No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[25yearsmlc]

Bond,

The age thing is a surprise. I have to ponder that. Also, it lessens the chance of it being a PA in my opinion. Didn't she more or less describe it as an EA (or at least what we would consider an EA?) If so, I can see why...

As far as how to keep the positives going, here's what my DB coach said and I got good results with it, but not all of this is easy at all. In fact some of it is "Mother Teresa HARD" to do.
First, she said to "Applaud loudly for the 1% positives your spouse does", which is tough when so much that's normal to expect, isn't happening. You'll think she doesn't deserve it, and maybe that's true. But it does make a difference. At one point in our sitch my h and I were discussing finances. He had always paid the bills and then suddenly stopped and forgot to tell me. The electricity got cut off which was a nice touch. I told him that some bills were "falling through the cracks" and he probably thought I was going to ream him. So he blurted out "Yeah well now you can pay all the bills like I have for 20 years!" and I said, "I know and I want to thank you, b/c it really is a stressor for me and I appreciate that you did it all that time..."
H was silent for a good 30 seconds and then said..."You're welcome..."
I believe that small interchange was a pivotal one. We handled something in a whole new way, and it was a start...

Also she said to "listen like a lover" meaning when they tell you about their dreams, job, life, anything (other than an A) you support and validate. Lose all anger in front of them and anything else that's negative on your end, in their eyes...basically do 180's. You don't want to fuel her fire or help her justify her actions. That's the "contrast her negative images with positive ones" so she has to start realizing her "data" about you or you two as a couple simply isn't real, or at least not any more. The happy family stuff==go for it. The more of that to contrast with the lonely life she is also having are two pretty contrasting lives...does she really want to wallow alone in her indecision and depression or might she want to help raise and be there for her kids and stand by this man, who stands by her as you are? I hope and cling to the belief that she may ultimately stand up and say "I choose to stay..."

Another one that was hard but made sense in retrospect, is that she for me s to "Lose the parental voice"....meaning when you ask her things like "How could you do this?" OR "WHY did you hurt..." etc those questions are not designed really for discussion. They elicit defensive responses in the listener, and shame perhaps. Neither of which leads to reconciliation and the restoration of a m.
You want her inner voice (the voice that at least occasionally is saying, "WTH are you doing to your children and this man???!!" to challenge her.)

So the more you force her to defend her choices, the more you shut out that inner voice of hers. So lose that parental tone/voice and let her hear her own voice and let her examine these choices rather than defend them....which only prolongs this. Which sucks.

H4, say what you will. That's fine. But I stand by my comments b/c I think your approach is simply not what MWD promotes (not about me or mine, but HERS). And your kids thanking you at this point in their lives, means very little to me. I have no "proof", (if such is possible), whether your sitch could have worked out without the exposure, and now you'll never know, nor do I know what all your motivations were. You don't answer to me on that. And you may not even know what they were as many LBSers wrap their punishments in "teach a lesson" disguises and MWD says it's not our jobs to teach the spouses life's consequences as life does that for us. But I never said you should help or enable a cheater by lying or covering for them and I do not support that. But your sitch was very diff from Bond's, his w may not even be in a PA at all, and most important, he wasn't asking you about exposing her.

[b]I hope your sitch leads to the full restoration of your m ultimately. I really do. But I completely disagree with actively promoting the exposure of an A, & I think the more people that know it, the harder it is for a WAS to return, and another MWD comment is to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth and exposure usually does the opposite. (I assume that's why she opposes it, plus whatever it does to the R between the children and the WAS.) It may not apply to you, but often it is a reflection of an LBSer's understandable (but unhealthy) rage that does this and their indignation that the WAS will "Get away with it" and that's not coming from a healthy or loving place. Yes, I do understand your desire for the kids to know at least that you were not 'out of the blue' mutually choosing to get a divorce. I don't think that is punitive. [/b]

Bond, do those suggestions above address your question?

j-