Hello, still here. Nothing new. Saw H briefly when I dropped off D17 at the house today, and we didn't really have anything to say to each other. I just asked him if he called an accountant regarding our tax returns for the year. He's the one who wanted a CPA to do them this year, so he can call and make the arrangements. It's weird, I don't have any real desire to talk to H, see him, or whatever.
What's also weird is that some days I look around and I don't recognize my life. I see my stuff here, I see my rabbit, I see my new dog, but sometimes I don't understand how I got here. Robx mentioned something in another thread about very few LBH's celebrating their wives leaving them. That stung a bit. Despite the initial upset-ness, I know mine had a sense of relief at least, if not celebrating. I did him a d@mn favor by leaving. This is what I don't understand- he's the one who insisted on multiple sex partners in our marriage, he was happy to share his wife with other men and he "needed variety" with his own sex partners- and he has no consequences of his bad choices. My leaving is not a consequence in his eyes, because I "had issues" and he was tired of trying to "help" me with them. Remember how he said that I was distorting reality when we met with the MC that first time, because I wasn't really that good at presenting myself (WTF?!?!), the whole medication bit, etc...
Some days it's easier to handle being alone than others, I guess. I haven't heard from many friends and family since the split. I guess as long as I'm not going off the deep end, they don't need to concern themselves. And I'm not going off the deep end, but somedays I would really like someone to talk to. I would feel like I'm imposing on them if I were to ask though. I don't know how accurate that perception really is. I don't know how to ask for help, and I guess I'm not sure if I really qualify as needing help since I'm not suicidal or anything else crazy. I can just handle it myself.
The two people who have showed concern throughout are my Mom and my sister in law, and I can't talk to them. Mom has enough on her plate to worry about with her, my dad and grandparents (jobs, insurance, health issues). I don't want to add to that. The other person who has shown concern is H's oldest sister and I love her dearly, but I can't talk to her about the situation because she is H's sister, so I just keep things neutral and pleasant.
Sorry about the pity party tonight, it's been a hard weekend. I'm gonna take Jazzie for her bedtime walk.
I don't see a pity party here .... only a woman who consistently puts herself and her own valid needs for emotional support or at least a reliable sounding board well behind everyone's else's needs for ... anything.
If you down-deep believe that the truth of your life is an imposition on the lives of your loved ones, that is a matter to explore in your IC, IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Hi, Bunny, 'Good to hear from you. I understand you're having no desire to see or speak to H. I've increasingly felt that way and after divorce last week, I don't care at all.
You don't recognize your life because it is all - all - so new and different and healthy. Can't cure normal. Give it time. Who of us on these boards feels anything "normal" in or about their lives?
Okay, now it's time for one of Gardener's infamous blue-and-red conversations (it's the only way I can really keep track!)
"Robx mentioned something in another thread about very few LBH's celebrating their wives leaving them. That stung a bit. Despite the initial upset-ness, I know mine had a sense of relief at least, if not celebrating. I did him a d@mn favor by leaving."You're assuming, here. And here:"My leaving is not a consequence in his eyes."Try not to make assumptions (The Four Agreements). Whenever I make assumptions, I am usually proven 90% (alright, 100% wrong - and -have wasted time and energy.
Your H has consequences of his choices whether he has faced them yet or not. And if and when he finds someone new (like all of us will on these boards - healthily and healthfully), he will simply seek - and find - someone else vulnerable enough to whom he can transfer his many, many issues. And for the first time in years, that person won't be you!
"Remember how he said that I was distorting reality when we met with the MC that first time, because I wasn't really that good at presenting myself (WTF?!?!), the whole medication bit, etc..."Yes, I remember, as does everyone who loves you and read it, too and responded with a single, loud chorus of: "Aw, what "BULLSH!T!" Do you remember that? You should. You agreed.
"Some days it's easier to handle being alone than others, I guess."It sure is.I haven't heard from many friends and family since the split.Me neither, except for two cherished ones. I figure the rest are giving me time or just don't know what to say. So I call them. You should, too."...guess as long as I'm not going off the deep end, they don't need to concern themselves."Bah! Ppfftttt!!"And I'm not going off the deep end, but somedays I would really like someone to talk to. So would I. You have my phone number in the .alt. Use it."I would feel like I'm imposing on them if I were to ask though."(Making assumptions, again). [color:#336633FF]"I don't know how accurate that perception really is."[/color] Probably not accurate and totally inaccurate in my case." "I don't know how to ask for help, and I guess I'm not sure if I really qualify as needing help since I'm not suicidal or anything else crazy. I can just handle it myself."You're human. You want to talk. That's why you;re here on this board. Don't ask for help unless you really need it. Just call. Just talk. You'll be glad you did and they'll feel (and I'll feel) glad that you did. Practice. Start with me.
Peace,
Last edited by Gardener; 02/15/1004:49 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I can hear that you sound a little down, but it sounds a lot better that you ever sounded before you left!
Don't worry about whether H sees you leaving as a consequence, or whether he has regrets, or anything like that. For one thing, it's mind-reading, and for another it really doesn't matter. You left because it is what you had to do to take care of yourself. Whether he held a bash or a pity party doesn't matter. How it made him feel should not have anything to do with how you feel.
It will take a while to find the friends that you can talk to about all of this. This is a good place to start, at least you can get things off your chest here. Drop some notes in the alt., send some emails, you'll find the right people to support you. And as time goes on, you'll find them around you, as well.
I am glad your D is spending time with you, I thought that would happen! It sounds like your bunny and new pup are a blast, too! Keep moving forward, a day at a time, and things will keep getting better!
I knew I was mind-reading when I wrote about imagining H's reactions, I really do know better than that, I let myself bring myself down. Most of the time, I really don't care what he does. We're leaving each other alone now, and he's not hitting on me anymore. We are going to have to talk sometime to get the dissolution paperwork started though. But I think I want H to initiate that, that was my atty's suggestion, and I agree. (Don't be mistaken, it's a joint filing, I'm talking about H calling his atty to get the ball rolling.) Why waste my time and energy on it? If H wants a D, he can take an active role in our sitch and quit being a coward. I already did the hard part of moving out, he can do the hard work of calling his atty and saying start the paperwork.
I also know that I am just going to have to get over the dread of making the first move with my friends and family. I hate doing that, it's really uncomfortable for me, but I'll try... I was thinking about dropping some private notes to my cousins on my family FB account to let them know my new status and address. H and I agreed that we wouldn't have anything obvious about the split there, but if I send them privately, I don't think that will be a big deal. H did remove his "married" status, and I did the same after I realized that. I also want to get to the dog-park several times this week to meet some new people.
H looked like crap when I saw him yesterday, he was in the middle of a nap and didn't appear to be feeling great. (I'm sure I wasn't looking too hot either, but my excuse was that I had just spent 30 minutes at the dog-park in 20 degree weather with wind gusts, i.e. hat hair and really rosy cheeks!) All I could think when I saw him was "wow, nothing new..." For the last several years, H was run down and feeling poorly more often than he wasn't. Those were times I would feel uncomfortable in my own house, because he would be cranky and irritable, and I'd be trying not to disturb him. I don't miss that!
PS- you know it's cold in your apartment when the dog insists on a spot under the blankets in the bed at night instead of staying in her own doggie bed! I'll get pics posted of Jazzie and Chester soon. (Chester is less than thrilled that Jazzie licks his ears and smells his butt...)
OK- I decided to set up a profile on match for the heck of it. Maybe I could meet someone nice to spend some time with- worth a shot, right? Well, granted, I'm listed as separated so that cuts down interest among potential dates, I realize you do better once that "divorced" button is selected. So I get an e-mail this morning from a guy on match. OK, he seems nice enough, I give him my IM info. HOWEVER... lets keep in mind- I got myself off the swinger sites to meet "nice" guys, not horny bastards. We start chatting- He's looking for casual, "adult" company, a sex partner, what's my bra size, his d**k is 10 inches and do I do _____, _____, and _____? WTF?!?! Is there a sign on my head that says "Use me! I'm f***k-able, don't worry about anything else"??
Obviously, I'm not doing anything with this creep, he's blocked, but come on... I would like to think I'm worth more than that, it's been a hard lesson for me to learn. I'm still working on it, and those idiots don't help.
I have removed 1070 profiles from my Match account. Seriously. Only a handful have been horny b@stards but I did get a lot of those in the beginning. Now anyone that I don't find interesting from the start, I remove. At this point I think we respect ourselves enough to be selective...
(((((Bunny))))) You are worth a LOT more than that. And there are guys who are interested in a lot more than that! I don't like the ones that make us all look like creeps! Though I guess they do make those of us that are not like that look a lot better!
wrong - and -have wasted time and energy. 