I think my stress at work was more self-inflicted than anything. I always compromised myself when work asked me to work longer, travel more, and even my core values. I used to say "well, it is in the best interest of the company". Thinking that if I continued to remain completely and unselfishly loyal, then my future was "golden".
I soon discovered that I was being untrue to myself? I think the last straw was when a client, in a meeting, asked for my help with "adjusting" the reason for a major system failure. He indicated to me that my company's response, "did not help him" (hint hint) and affirmed by saying that there would be additional opportunities for the company if we (I) helped him out. He wanted me to change the response (basically lie).
My employer was always looking for a way to increase revenue. Doesn't seem like an issue and I support any business or person who pursues their dream to improve their financial status as long as it is done with integrity.
I told my then client that I would not do that. He was so upset and I just didn't care anymore because I refuse to compromise myself any longer.
I was working 16 hour days spending some nights at work. I still remember the many late late nights crunching numbers on my laptop in my living room and my H asking when I was coming to bed. I didn't sleep much, I didn't work out at all, I become more and more tired and began missing opportunities to have dinner out with my H and friends.
While this was happening with my job, I felt also pressured by a sister who was diagnosed with clinical depression - my Mother felt so guilty and began drifting into own depression, becoming a horder and consistent buyer of items on the Internet.
My baby sister (who had cerbal palsy) died in 2006, after living 26 years and being cared for by my mother, my two other sisters and myself. I always felt the pressure on having to take care of my entire family, because I was the oldest and was at least financial stable to support them.
My mother was diagnosed with brain tumor and had brain surgery in 2007. She kept this a secret for 5 years and it was my nephew who was with her when she had a severe seizure and she had to be rushed to the emergency room because she was non-responsive. It was then we discovered that she knew for years. My mother did come through the surgery and is fine today, but I was so worried because for months, she could not walk, dress, or fed herself.
My two sisters and I felt so guilty when we placed her in a temporary rehabilitation facility because we just could not do it without professional help for our Mother.
I discovered in 2008 that my one of sisters was sexually abused by a family friend as a child - now that explained a lot - her behavior over the years that is. It was doing this time that my H says he began to "question" our R.
I know several things:
1) I was under a tremendous amount of stress from work and family 2) I was dealing with my own history of abuse from my childhood 3) I was disappointed in myself for all of the weight I gained - I did not feel attractive 4) I lost confidence in myself 5) My marriage was slowly beginning to have problems that I did not know how to deal with
I don't say all of this to make excuses, but when I look back and since being in IC, I have more clarity about myself (not necessarily my R) and what was going on that contributed to my feelings of despair. I apologize for the long post, but It felt good to get that out. That you LFW for asking the question.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
