Matilda, My W and I had a busy Valentine's Day. We broke the evening into three separate events--a Breakfast at Tiffany's dance at our studio, listening to her friend sing jazz at a restaurant, and Salsa dancing at a latin venue. My W wore a black dress she had recently purchased. She is putting more attention into her appearance and wardrobe, tring to be stylish. She was worried about spending so much money on the dresses, but I didn't fret about it, nor intend to. I let her close down the latin venue at 2AM, even though I was ready to leave an hour earlier. She said that I was not cranky in the car on the way home, and seemed in a good mood.
She initiated sex, but my body did not respond. She tried to relax me by saying that there was no failure, but I felt pressured to perform. She asked me the next day my thoughts on the matter, and I told her it was a stimulating way to end the evening. She didn't seem angry or to take it personally.
I took the day off yesterday due to significant snowfall where I live. I drove my W to her job and waited in a cafe until she left for the day at 11:30AM.
She asked me to practice later in the day since her venue was closed. She had several beers in her at that point. I think she drinks out of boredom. She doesn't manage unstructured time well. I don't like practicing with her when her skills are not 100%, but I didn't turn her down. Her focus was on getting me to smile during the dance and connection. My focus was on practicing technique. We did practice the Salsa combination I learned in class, even though she couldn't manage the spins.
Her dance friend hasn't been back since I wrote the email two weeks ago. My W hasn't complained about it. Maybe she wanted to set limits but wasn't assertive about it. He has found a girlfriend to distract him from his problems.
I'll have to think about my W's advice during practice. I do tend to emphasize technique to the exclusion of partnership. I think my reaction in the bedroom is understandable. As long as she can be patient, I think sexual intimacy can be cultivated.
I'm not expecting anything more than a verbal or written reprimand for my failure to follow agency policy regarding providing resources to clients. It would be a long story to explain my lapse in judgment.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, one thing you wrote seems so significant to me: "Her focus was on getting me to smile". In the past I have felt your wife was selfish and it was all about her need for you to do things to please you. I hope that this change in attitude will be just what your relationship needs!
Matilda and Jak, There are probably different ways to interpret why she was intent on my smiling during the dance practice. It is significant. She's wanting my attention and connection.
She keeps saying how much I've changed. She says that I'm calmer, more flexible, more open to new experiences, less stressed out, more fun to be with, easier to live with.
She patted me on the behind for the first time in probably two years.
We're planning our next trip to Puerto Rico for sometime this summer. I told her I'd be willing to go for ten days this time. We're working together to keep the trip around $2500 including hotels, airfare, and food. We spent almost half that much in hotel expenses on our last trip, by staying in a suite.
She has been putting more effort into her appearance including buying stylish clothing that is complimentary to her, and putting time into putting on make-up. She has lost weight since she's not eating out so much with her dance friend, and is down to 130lb.
She cuddles with me at night when she comes to bed.
I let her know about a Hustle formation team forming at our studio, even though it's not my favorite dance. She's been after me to learn the Hustle. I called our dance teacher and signed us up for this. It's a ten week commitment, in which we will learn a routine and perform it as part of a group at a studio dance in May. It took me several days of thinking to decide to partner with her on this, even though I have little experience with this dance, and would not choose this dance as my first choice.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hope you will enjoy the Hustle class. It must mean a lot to your wife that you are changing. I think your changes are causing a change in her.....which is the purpose! Besides that, you are a happier person. Are you still taking time to write???
Matilda, I get up early every weekday morning and read and write for about an hour. I'm practicing improving descriptive skills and writing scenes. I practice yoga for 20 minutes before I go to work to keep myself flexible.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends, My W is expecting to lose one of her PT jobs this year. She's talking proactively about addressing the problem. She's been at this job for two years, and has gained experience and confidence. She sent me an email this week, asking for an idea of what our budget would look like. This is new behavior. I'm looking forward to more financial partnership on weathering her likely unemployment.
I do wonder how physical intimacy can be cultivated. I'm not able to imagine what that would be like. My reaction is to want to procrastinate and avoid the topic. She's going to have to partner with me to move forward. If she goes back to being reactive because things aren't perfect, we'll continue to be stalled.
She's also partnering with me on planning our next trip to Puerto Rico. I'm willing to take more time off (ten days), and lower the quality of our hotel rooms to lower that expense. We may have to delay the trip if she becomes unemployed.
Things aren't perfect, but we get back on track after a difficult day. She had a meltdown when the store didn't have turkey breast for our cooking job, and I got thighs instead and didn't tell her about the substitution. She feared the customer would be upset about the substitution.
Her dance friend avoids coming into the house and me, as if he's possibly afraid of me. My W says that I chased him away. My W agrees that he is someone who needs to have limits set on him. I have no doubts that limits needed to be set. My mistake was not speaking-up sooner.
The Hustle formation team will start in mid-March.
Our health insurance will cover massage therapy if my W is a patient at my chiropractor's office, and it is done thru their on-site massage therapist. She loves massage therapy, but hasn't gone due to the expense, as insurance typically doesn't cover it. She would only have to pay a copay. It wouldn't hurt for her to see a chiropractor every now and then too.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi, CL. If you both like massages why not buy a book on couples massage! It certainly wouldn't hurt your efforts to cultivate physical intimacy! I know you want your wife to change, but it may still be the age old question: which came first, the chicken or the egg???? I suspect she is longing for physical intimacy, but doesn't really get the whole picture of your expectations of what needs to happen first.
Matilda and DB Friends, My W had some type of outpatient surgery last week at a gynecologist's office. She hasn't been the same since--fatigue and cramping, though slowly getting better. She's been having trouble finding the energy to go out dancing, which is distressing to her. Last night she decided to stay in. She asked me to give her a massage to loosen up tight muscles. We spent the night together chatting about different things--nothing heavy. She continues to assert how difficult I was to live with until the past several years.
She went to her first chiropractic visit this week at my chiropractor and had an hour long massage. She is signed up for another one next week. She said that she went in there stressed out and left relaxed. The receptionist insisted that I get one too, and wouldn't accept my excuses, so I'm signed up at my next visit in three weeks.
My W indicated to me that she wanted to go the Spring Ball this month. This is sponsored by the local ballroom chapter. I was surprised as she only accompanies me to an occasional ballroom class. I'll have to put on my partner hat, and make her my priority for the evening.
Earlier in the week, she called one of her dance friends to see if he would pick her up to carpool to a venue in a difficult neighborhood. He had already arrived, but offered to drive her home. I told her that I would drive her there (15 minute commute), so she wouldn't have to deal with walking in a difficult neighborhood. She was grateful.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
