Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

Also, get the sense that maybe H is afraid to try to reconcile due to the way the whole sitch has spiraled out of control. Fidelity / faithfulness was deal breaker for H. H. keeps saying I think he's a scumbag, ruined my life, etc, etc. Keep saying I don't think those things, just think he has made some poor decisions the last 6 months. But I'm not saying anything about salvaging / rebuilding. I voiced that to him numerous times, so he knows.

Please, anybody reading this, please offer me opinions / thoughts / anything.

[Vulcanized]

H. has been hiding in his office all day. Called OW for 90+ minutes 5 mins after I left yesterday.

Asked H. if he had company here last night, as I found office stuff in bathroom. Didn't specify what. H. said no company and denied being in my office. H. said maybe cat took item into bathroom. Item in question was a wrapped roll of quarters, that was in a plastic container and placed upright on a cabinet in br. I really find it hard to believe that 6 lb. cat did that. H. denied being in office 3 or 4 times and I just kept saying 'ok, thought I'd ask'. WTF???

And yes, again, I am asking for any and all imput.

[flowmom]

RNM, it sounds like he's still trying to invade your privacy, and that when he thinks you're doing that, he's projecting. Remember to leave the room every time he talks about the R. You are letting him scream at him about R stuff when you need to be showing him the self-respect that you have by promptly leaving.

If the topic comes up about salvaging/rebuilding, say something like "it's too late for that, our M is over and the only way we could be married is if you broke all contact with OW and we started back from zero and it doesn't look like you want to do that". That gets around the guilt/A being dealbreaker isssue.

If he's hesitating about the D, it may be more based on finances than wanting to reconcile. You are looking for him breaking things off with OW at this point.

Good luck and hang in there. It sounds like you're confident taking the WAW stance, and I think your confidence will help you a lot as you are DBing. Just remember the 180s...if you are doing stuff that he's complained about in the past, then you're not doing the 180s that make him think that you've changed.

[Vulcanized]

RNM, it sounds like he's still trying to invade your privacy, and that when he thinks you're doing that, he's projecting.

I think you may be right w/that! I've been doing my damnedest to not snoop/spy, etc. Other than the occasional phone bill check, have been more successful than not. I'm sure any tangible 'evidence' [cards, gifts, letters, etc] would be in his office and I do not go in there.

Remember to leave the room every time he talks about the R. You are letting him scream at him about R stuff when you need to be showing him the self-respect that you have by promptly leaving.

I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this.

If the topic comes up about salvaging/rebuilding, say something like "it's too late for that, our M is over and the only way we could be married is if you broke all contact with OW and we started back from zero and it doesn't look like you want to do that". That gets around the guilt/A being dealbreaker isssue.

If that were to happen, it won't be any time soon. Think he needs / wants to sink further into A w/OW b4 anything like that happens. Have told him that M is over. Didn't get into the specifics of 'this' M. Stopped mentioning / alluding to future M either.

If he's hesitating about the D, it may be more based on finances than wanting to reconcile. You are looking for him breaking things off with OW at this point.

Unsure about the money. Assume offer of $$$ is guilt-based. Haven't said a word about H footing the entire bill for D. Will when/if he files. If H wants to continue on w/D, it's going to cost him. Not to be vindictive, but just practical, want the $$$ I put into house, which he lives in. I paid 1/2 mortgage for last 4 years and it's fair that if H is keeping house, he should buy me out.

I don't see him ending A anytime soon. If it isn't a PA, I'm sure [guessing] it will be in the near future. Or I can't imagine how it wouldn't become so. I'll be 'out of the way'. H. has already projected me cheating many, many times over the last 6 months.

Good luck and hang in there. It sounds like you're confident taking the WAW stance, and I think your confidence will help you a lot as you are DBing. Just remember the 180s...if you are doing stuff that he's complained about in the past, then you're not doing the 180s that make him think that you've changed.

My biggest one is actually talking about problems instead of dodging /ignoring / hoping them away. Other big one is controlling [for the most part] hot-headedness.

Thank you for your input, flowmom. It gets frustrating not getting much response. RL friends aren't much talked with or to about this, so this board is my biggest means of support.

I really appreciate you're taking the time to respond. I'm following your thread and rooting for you.

[Vulcanized]

Moving day in a week or so.

Didn't come home last night, spent night on BFF's couch. Surprised to find H. here when I came home. He was in office, door wide open. Seems like his mood is mirrored by how far the door is open.

He's been downstairs since I came back. I'm hiding up here. NC between us since Friday.

I don't know if acting as if I've moved on, maybe OM in picture [due to nights not coming home] is having much of an effect on H. I'm pretty sure he is still reading my journal. Phone & comp. both on lock down, so he can't access either of those.

Feedback anyone???

[Vulcanized]

Quick update:

Just now, H. finds button that fell off his jacket. Start looking for some thread for him [thread happened to be right there]. H. tries to hand button to me. Tell him 'You can fix it. I'm not your wife anymore'. H. looked stunned. H. always had me do his mending, so that felt GREAT saying that to him.

H. then initiated a few mins. of small talk, which hasn't happened for 2+ weeks.

[Vulcanized]

Want to clarify that during the above exchange, I had a smile on my face, and said that in a way that was sorta funny, not mean, not snide, not nasty. More of a "I'm not doing any wife things for you anymore" delivery. And H responded in a more friendly outgoing manner than he has in over 2 weeks.

Feedback? Suggestions? Opinions?

[trytryagain]

good for you for standing up for yourself and letting him handle that button thing on his own. i think it is little things like that that give WAS's an inkling of what their lives might be like without their LBS. small victory for you, and a great 180, too!

[crushed_v95]

I don't see him ending A anytime soon. If it isn't a PA, I'm sure [guessing] it will be in the near future. Or I can't imagine how it wouldn't become so. I'll be 'out of the way'. H. has already projected me cheating many, many times over the last 6 months.

LOLOLOLOLOL! I love it when these creeps do this crap. Some woman wrote me a thank-you letter, once, and I've had no contact with her since. From the time I let my wife know that I was tired of sharing her and planning to leave she calls this woman (thank you note writer who I have never met) my "little girlfriend".

It's pure displacement. Too bad we can't resurrect Dr.s Freud, Jung & Adler and get some of these wayward spouses on the couch. The fun those gents would have sifting through the roaches and dung in their broken psyches...

[Vulcanized]

good for you for standing up for yourself and letting him handle that button thing on his own. i think it is little things like that that give WAS's an inkling of what their lives might be like without their LBS. small victory for you, and a great 180, too!

Thanks tta. It was a funny moment, the look on his face was priceless. It's hard trying to read him and whether or not the withdraw is effective or not. But that sure seemed like it was working! He's been using some of my tricks on me; not talking, just being happy and quiet. Grr.

I don't see him ending A anytime soon. If it isn't a PA, I'm sure [guessing] it will be in the near future. Or I can't imagine how it wouldn't become so. I'll be 'out of the way'. H. has already projected me cheating many, many times over the last 6 months.

LOLOLOLOLOL! I love it when these creeps do this crap. Some woman wrote me a thank-you letter, once, and I've had no contact with her since. From the time I let my wife know that I was tired of sharing her and planning to leave she calls this woman (thank you note writer who I have never met) my "little girlfriend".

It's pure displacement. Too bad we can't resurrect Dr.s Freud, Jung & Adler and get some of these wayward spouses on the couch. The fun those gents would have sifting through the roaches and dung in their broken psyches...

Crushed, amazing the silly, silly things they say. Anything to deflect / justify their own bad behavior.