So it has been one week since our "reconnection". My H has been spending a little more time with me than before but no talk of moving back since last weekend. He stayed here last night and then got up early this morning telling me he wanted to go to work to get caught up. He plans on coming back later this afternoon and we have plans to go to a party tonight. I sense he wants to spend time with me but still feels anxiety about being here full time. He has had 2 IC sessions so far. I think he is planning on continuing with that however there has been no further talk of MC at this point...I know, I know it has only been a week.
I just read this on ThisCan'tBTheEnd's thread.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
Someone had spoken of ultimatums and drawing the line as being frowned upon here...but only the LBS knows when the time is right to set those in order to break a cycle of cake eating and emotional abuse that continues on and on and is clearly seen. I think the Divorce Busting book refers to it as "Last Resort", and it's been said that it wouldn't work in MLC.
It worked for me to break a cyle or two as I had set a couple myself but only when the times were right and I knew they were right. The attitude of being willing to lose all in order to gain something better is a major factor, and you have to be emotionally ready either way this might go, as it would be a gamble...as life is ALWAYS that. There are times when you will know you're facing a cycle, and it must break or it will go on and on and on and on...and it becomes up to you to break it. Sometimes you will be afraid, that is a normal feeling..courage is such that you act in spite of the fear, not to hurt, but to help it along.
My husband was working through the final stages toward coming back together when I drew the line not once but twice on his attempted disrespectful treatment of me. I'd seen flashes of the old and the new..and he was trying me to see what he could get away with as he continued to change in rapid fire fashion...I could clearly see he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...and I acted on that knowledge to start setting boundaries...which can be construed as Ultimatums.
Cake eating is a simple one..one that refers to the spouse wanting to do whatever he wants and still have you wait. This one is a touchy one..but the cycle would become clear and again, you would see it. You should not be expected to continue to watch him hop back and forth, whether it be hopping back and forth between you and an OW or moving in and out like a Jack in a Box any time he feels like it, and continue that behavior..but if you choose to not confront him....he may not break that on his own; and it would increase his disrespect for you; in essence you would become a doormat for him. It's like breaking a child of a bad habit. Again, you would KNOW when this is a cycle that must be broken...and understand that he could become angry and decide to go away...but self respect is being sacrificed every time he does this; and a LBS can only decide for themselves what they are willing to continue to tolerate at that time.
More food for thought.
Let me remind you and anyone else who is reading this once again...every person is different, every MLC is different..what works for one may not work for another. Sometimes it is a series of trial and error.
HB-thank you for writing this. That was me that said that deadlines and ultimatums are frowned upon here. I had been concerned about whether or not the deadline was the right thing to do especially after my H could not move forward when the deadline came. It took being without me for about 6 weeks to make my H realize some things and thus push him slightly forward. That being said, I am afraid we could end up in the same place we were if I don't set new boundaries.
My H is a attorney and will be going into trial mode (where he can pretty much think of nothing other than the trial) here in about a week lasting up to 4 weeks. When that happens, there will be very little interaction with him, pushing our relationship even further to the back burner. It would be difficult to set boundaries during this time. I want to keep things moving forward but how?
