Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

I started this very, very, very long post last night & lost 90% of it. So today is actually yesterday.


H. locked in office, w/door completely latched shut today. I am going to sign 12 month lease today. H. didn't know that. Don't know if H thinks I already signed a lease or not. Asked H. in December to get bills into his name, which as of now, still hasn't happened. Send H text that says 'get bills transfered today or Mon.'. H. comes down stairs raring to fight. 'Why can't you just talk to me?' H says. Say 'Know how much you love to text' - wrong $hitty thing to say - jab at H & OW. Also say 'you are not making it easy to talk to you'.

H. says 'you are so passive-aggressive w/that sh!t' [meaning texting, instead of knocking on door & speaking]. Respond 'you are right, I should have just told you' - despite the fact that I told him 2 months ago. Despite the fact that he knows I am moving out in 10 days. Despite the fact that I've mentioned it again within the last 3 weeks. But he was absolutely correct that it was being passive-aggressive, so I agreed in a non-snarky manner.

H. starts freaking out that I have to talk to him, I can't stop talking to him forever. H. screaming that I'll never change. H. again threatens to cut my phone off. Ask him if we can go to store together, so I can switch my phone back to my account. H. screaming 'you wanted a new # anyway' & 'you are going to get a new # and not give it to me'. Tell him I'm going to keep old #, just don't want him surprising me by cutting off phone.

Tell H that he should have told me 6 months ago that he was leaving cause he 'liked another girl'. I used that phrasing to draw attention to how ridiculous this situation is. Could have spared me the grief of the last 6 months. H. screaming that OW has nothing to do w/this, H was planning on D'ing me anyway, I refuse to accept reality. Tell H. that if he was so intent on D and OW had nothing to do w/any of this, why did he hide her. Told H that if he was so sure what he was doing was OK, why does he continue to lie about it and why hasn't she met his friends yet. ALL of his friends are married and I'm pretty sure that most of them wouldn't approve of H's A.

H. values friends approval very much - too much in my opinion. This has been a source of conflict during R/M. I don't need / want H's friends approval, and have the same feeling regarding my own friends, but to a lesser degree. That is why I mentioned the part about not being able to intro OW to his friends; I'm pretty sure that she won't receive a warm welcome.

H. screaming, script, OW has nothing to do w/this, was gonna D me anyway [while we were talking about renewing our vows for our 5th anni in 2 weeks] script, blah, blah, blah. H. screaming "you think I ruined your life". Again tell H stop reading my mind b/c a. he's wrong b. it'll drive him crazy.

I think he said that b/c on VD, we had an anti-VD party at the bar. We had paper lace valentines and people wrote silly things on them and pinned them to their shirts. My friend's read "you ruined my life"; I thought it was hilarious, so she gave it to me. I hung it on the wall in my office, where it has been all week. Told H that overall, the R/M was pretty good for me and only the last year & change has been awful. Told him that he didn't ruin my life b/c that sort of thinking / attitude makes me the victim and robs me of any sort of choice / responsibility in the matter.

H. screaming that I've gone through his personal papers, etc. Totally untrue. Don't even respond. H. accuses me of 'spying', saying 'you know exactly what's going on w/OW'. Truth is, I have no f*^&ing idea what's going on. H. also accuses me of 'not dealing' w/sitch. Tell H. I've been here for 7 weeks and told him I wanted to tie up loose end re: M/R, finances, etc. H. didn't / wouldn't talk about it, and I don't feel like I should have to pursue him to talk. This is what he wants, he should man up and take the initiative.

Tell him that I've been dealing for last 6 months. Have no choice in the matter, obviously. Seems to me that H is completely not dealing, just getting more and more enmeshed in fantasyland w/OW. Did not say that. Instead, AGAIN, say to H. to please get help for issues w/depression. This has been going on for well over a year. H. spews that depression is my fault / due to bad M, etc. Having had LIFELONG depression issues, gently tell H. that d has a way of coloring everything around you, and left it at that.

H. brings up that I asked him to hold off on filing briefly. Had he filed w/in last 2 weeks, D would be finalized w/in 2 weeks of my 40th b-day. Asked him to wait, so as to not wreck milestone b-day for me. When he brought it up yesterday, said 'do what you need to do'. Told him I'm weak, weary from this, need a break, needs to be done sooner rather than later, etc. H. claims he's filing next week. Don't know how, as I have the M paperwork. We got married abroad, so it'll prolly take a while for him to get duplicate paperwork, I think? But also communicated to H. that I'm not fighting D.

H. brings up financial, house related. Tell him I have to leave. H. will not stop talking. Tell him I have to leave again.

Calmly tell H. that after my move, the only things we have to talk about are financials, the house & the D. H. has mentioned numerous times that he wants us to be 'friends' after this. Every single time respond w/ I'm not going to be your friend, I'm not going to be your enemy, I'm just not going to have anything to do w/you.

H. talking about being 'generous' w/$$$, etc. Tell him I have to leave, we can talk later. Ask him if I should plan to talk to him after work. Says 'no, I have band practice, and will be drunk'. Say o.k. & leave.

So this morning, I notice that H. has been in my office yesterday b/c I found some of my office things in the bathroom. Huh?

I get that H. is hurt / angry. I suspect that H. is starting to reconsider decision to D. Ass-u-me that OW may be pressuring H. due to 90 min. daily phone calls. Could be totally off base w/that, tho.

Any insight? Feel like the pushing H. away is working. Acting like I'm WAW instead of LBS seems to be making H. nervous.