Calling out the Piecers

[dday101798]

Heh, Valentines Day survived.

Uggh, we massively screwed up on Saturday and opted to go out to a Mardi Gras function at alst minute after a long day and neither of us had eaten. Turned into a absolute nightmare.

OM's sister and her husband showed up and (x)W just up and disappeared which add in the booze on a empty stomache, I wasn't ready for and well, we had a real nasty blow out that almost ruined everything.

But, we persevered and in the end both realized our wrongs.

Another 180 for me was in the midst of everything going on, one of (x)W's girlfriends had driven us and we ended up leaving her to walk home and she was understandibly pissed, but tore in to (x)W way much more than neccessary. So I took the initiative the next morning to call her and apologize in a voice message and let her know that it was mostly my blame for what happened. That's a first for me.

Her friend did text me back later thanking me for making the apology, however she has bigger issues with (x)W that don't concern me she says. I think that's sugar coated bularchy since this friend is the 'catalyst' in everything that tranpired to break up our marriage and I think she is really just upset that I am (x)W's focus (as it should be) and not her and hanging out and partying like a high schooler all the time.

Other than than that, s12 now S13's birthday was nice and quiet. (x)FIL finally spoke casually with me for a bit, and we're all supposed to go out to dinner later this week for S13's birthday. So, we'll see how that goes.

Thus, we survived the biggest blow out to date and nobody's feelings got hurt (at least between (x)W and I) and we've made the resolution that perhaps it is best that we just move away from all this rhetoric in town.

So, that's our focus for the week and get something in action here as far as a place of our own, pronto.

[dday101798]

Still kicken and ticken

Charges against S13 were dropped. Still ahve to take him for an interview with the youth officer tonight for all the problems with him lately but the picture is quite clear that the 'sitter' stirred all this up to try and keep us, all of us, (x)W myself and kids away from our own dang house.

Which initiated folks getting the boot from it. We're getting the message across, the party is over in that place.

Currently trying to work with a realtor and have 8 applications out for a loan. Plan A, is to buy our house back. Finish fixing it up and see where we stand financialy, stay or dump it and move on. Plan B is to take advatnage of the foreclosure market and see waht we can come up with. With the first time buyers rates and tax breaks, we'd be foolish not to. Renting just isn't looking cost effective on a house, and neither of us are keen to an apartment, but in the worst case, we'll go that route.

Other than that, S11 and I had an interesting conversation last night after he refused to homework, blamed all his life's problems now on the D. Of which, I call the bluff since homework and school issues have plagued him long before, and it was very unfair of him to blame it on us, especially when we're working so hard to put everyone's life back together as fast as we can.

So, going well. (x)W did mention the other morning I 'have to be more open and forgiving of some of her friends', to which I scuffed and rightfuly so and said I'd gladly be nicer and forgiving to each and every person, once they one by one remove their knives from my back. She was actually very understanding of my point.

Bottom line is we're all functioning like a family again for the most part, eating dinner at the table and awaiting warmer weather to things outside. Did play some football with the boys for a bit over the weekend, have to watch how active I get with the heart and all.

'R'wise, things are good. Getting a little flustered in a recent lack of intimacy, but that's on both sides, I think we've just been exhausted from everything mentally, I know I am

[dday101798]

Small updates, journalizing I guess:

S13 is officially on "house arrest" for 30 days. No charges, but a record of battery that iwll go away in the 30 days if he doesn't mess it up.

(x)W and I have just been so worn out with all this. Kind of creates a scary feeling in a way becuse we're just both exhausted and falling asleep on each other early. We had been having a few more drinks than we should to "unwind" and made a request of each other Monday to cut back and we both have. I'll only have a beer and my smoke when I get in from work and that's it, she'll have a glass of wine along with me, and that's it for her. Teamwork there.

However, with the exhaustion as mentioned, comes lack of intimacy which is taking it's toll on both of us. We were both dead set to have a "active" night last night, but ended up working late, so we ate dinner late, and she hadn't slept the night before when I went by my cousin's for dinner and . So, after I cleaned up the table from dinner she was already asleep on the couch, so I figured I'd let her sleep and clean up the kitchen and watch the news, ended up falling asleep myself.

We got up at about 2am and went to bed, but she still seemed exhausted, so I cuddled her to sleep and that was it. Well, this morning she siad she feels depressed and like I don't love her. I stated my case and she was accepting of my reasoning. We are definately getting out tonight and doing something. We've been 'grounded' for almost a month now, time to live it up a bit, have some fun, relax and then come home and get crazy.

I'm understanding her better and better every day, and really learning the person she became as a WAW. In doing so, that person isn't shelled away, she's still there and very much a part of (x)W's persona, pretty scary in it's own right, but I'm learning how to keep that person at bay and satisfied, kind of like keeping a wild tiger as a pet sometimes.

[mishka422]

Dylan,

I'm so sorry you have been struggling so much with your son lately. Poor kid really has had some trouble coping hasn't he?

Your W says she feels depressed and like you don't love her why? Just because of the lack of intimacy? I'm sorry, that is just weird. You are there every day, you parent with her, her shoulder half the burdens, you cuddled her to sleep, you cleaned the darned kitchen up!!!! For God's sake, what more does the darned woman need? You're just about the perfect H IMO!

Have a good time together tonight. Where will the boys be while you're out?

[dday101798]

Hey mish!!!

I think, without even reading the book, my 'love language' is certainly, acts of service, and hers affection. So yes, to her, intimacy is HUGE, and I realize that 100%. We're just both so darn wore out. Soooo, when she isn't getting that attention in that department, she feels rejected. Much the same as if I don't receive some type of appreciation for things I do for her, I end up feeling rejected and taken advantage of. She knows that now and we're, well, a work in progress.

Bottom line is, she said how she feels, instead of keeping it bottled up. In turn I got a chance to say I was concerned about it too and concerned she'd feel that way. So we both know we're on the same page, and most importantly, communicating it.

On the kids, both boys are reacting differently. S11 is latched to me and disrepectful still to (x)W, but then again, her communication skills with him is an area for improvement. S13 on the other hand, is just acting out. I strongly believe over confusion of OM. I neglected to mention, I have found in (x)W's phone, S13 has texed OM asking him what he was doing, OM has not replied, which is good. Unfortunately with his condition, [effective] communication with anyone is difficult.

On that note, I also forgot to post earlier, when we at the police department the other night, (x)BIL from downstate called (x)W a couple of time, then me. When we got out, (x)W called him as it seemed important, but (x)BIL just wanted to let her know he was in the process of moving into the house they had down there, switched the bills over and all, so OM has NO need to have anything to do with anyone at all and (x)W were taling about it again this morning on the drive to work and she did not speak kindly of OM in the slightest bit.

I AM requesting that his number be deleted from her phone effective immediately so that S13 no longer has access of any sort, weither OM responds or not. The less he sees or knows of OM, the less he'll think of him.

The boys will either have a sleep over with friends tonight or stay with their uncle and watch movies or something. Either way, we won't leave til late so that S13 will either already be asleep or on his way to sleep to aleviate any worry of him doing something out of line.

[addie]

dday,

You've been dealing with so much and you are handling everything in such a positive way. I don't know how you do it but keep the faith. Things will get better.

[dday101798]

Thanks addie, it A LOT to take on all at once, but when you've been down as far as you can go, the only way is up.

Just small updates otherwise:

(x)W and I are going to need some type of outside intervention here. We went out Saturday, both a bit peeved with some friends we had been waiting on way past our scheduled departure, so we got a really late start to the evening. We went out by ourselves to a karoake bar we used to go to way back when in our old neighborhood. We had a GREAT time. Then out of nowhere, we had yet another blowup when it was time to go home. Neither of us have any idea what triggered it or what it was even about. We made up for it when we got 'home' (the nice part about a good fight), but none the less, this seems to be a routine we're goign to have to work on. Now, there are certain excuses to the matter, (x)W had entere into "that time of the month" and has been very touch and go, and she normoally doesn't drink beer anumore, so, that may all play a factor. I don't know, something we're going to have to work on and get to the bottom of.

Other than that, the weekend was good, got sick as a dog Sunday and slept the entire day, litteraly. Yesterday we were supposed to get some financing issues straightened out on buying our house, but ran long at the health club, no dice. We did end up tag teaming dinner which has been a very nice thing. I don't know why, but we never meshed like this in the kitchen before. Yeah, before I did my thing and she did hers, but never in tandem. It's a nice feeling when everything gets done and as a team.

The shocker of the weekend, (x)FIL all the sudden as of yesterday has no problem with me staying there now while (x)W and I work out getting a residence straightened out and these issues with the boys persist. I chalk it up to mainly because things are getting done around the house for him, it's cleaner, and someone is keeping the boys in check. So, that is a major relief.

Uggh, but now this morning I get a call from the fraud protection line on my bank account, not looking forward to what this is all about.

But in all, yes, it's all in a positive direction, and what ever little negatives come along, only help make us stronger again.

OHHHHH, and I was dead on. (x)W cracked Saturday morning, which I also think added to the mystery tension of the night later on that she felt "unattractive" and "unloved" due to the lack of intimacy lately. I again stressed we have a lot going on and we're both at fault. I assured her she is the most attractive woman in my life and I do love her very much, that I was at a point where I could have chose to be with anyone I wanted, and I chose her. I also rolled the dice and called her out that it made me feel uneasy too in the fact that she's already demonstrated that if she feels 'unloved' by me, I fear she will just up and look for it elsewhere. So, sort of a reminder that I'm in the driver's seat now, ahe took it in stride and understood and assured me that this is it, no matter what comes up between us, this is the long haul.

[dday101798]

Heh,

Just "spoke" with the realtor, looks like a potential "advantage" to the D and buying our house from (x)FIL is the fact that he is no longer family opens the door to many discounts and breaks that would have otherwise been barred if we were still married. Crazy how this all works out

[dday101798]

Just plugging along, thigns are still well and no issues between us.

However:

S11 had a massive blowup with (x)W last night before I got there. Kind of bothers me a lot. They have a lot of repsect problems between them. I spoke with them both seperately, gave my two cents to each and by the time the night was over they got along fairly well.

S13, continues to be combative with everyone. Maybe it's the teen thing? Maybe it's a confused state over everything? Maybe it's both.

Main reason to post, all be it a bit again on the personal side, but what isn't here? (x)W has been enduring that time of month for a few days now, which usually means "lookie, but no touchie" if you want to live. But, appraently today, things must have cleared up as in the middle of some random texting, jokes and such, she refers to sex as f%$#ing as she often does lately. Mainly "are you gonna come home and f... my brains out?" That bothers me, a lot. She does/says that way too often. Sure, like any other guy out there, an occasional night of rompus fun is great and all, spice things up and what not, but to me, using that terminology EVERY time, is nearly vulger.

Mainly just venting, but am I weird or something?

[Cyrena]

Hi Dday,

I remember back when I was rummaging around in the archives a lot, I often came across this. It happened with both sexes, but men in particular would find their women wanting to talk dirty/be talked dirty to during sex, talking about f@#king rather than "making love," etc. They would often be upset, feeling their spouse was showing signs of what sex had been like with the OM.

In fact, they came to realize, the MLC affair was *partly* about these women wanting to own their sexuality, to be adult sexual beings rather than little girls. For a lot of women, the same thing would happen at some point, even without the affair. It could be that your wife is trying to say, "let's not sugarcoat things and use euphamisms--let's be direct and open and adult about what we're doing." From my own experience, it CAN be a sign of maturity. You could also look at Passionte Marriage, if you have the book, for more.