How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[4luv]

i am moving today and boy is it a scary thing. I am still hoping for my marriage to be saved but at the same time i know that i have to move forward with life (emotionally and physically). i realize that i have been a basket case trying to "figure out" and keep up with all the lies and mind games that husband has been playing.

Yesterday evening husband picked up son from daycare for the last time and decided that he would take son out to eat and asked if i wanted to eat. I went and we had a nice family dinner. It was almost like a last supper type of thing and i could tell husband was savoring the moment. when we got home, husband sat on the floor to play with son and was watching me pack and said he couldn't believe that i was actually leaving. Then he asked was there anything that he could say to keep me from leaving. I asked was he serious and he said "I don't know." Husband then said how he is not sure what he wants now and just never thought that far into the future to the point of me leaving, packing, and moving. he said that he doesn't even know what his plans are as far as where to go. Then he asked why I couldn't wait a week to leave. I told him i made my plans to leave based on him walking out on Sunday and me not knowing where he was or when he would return.

For the rest of the night husband gave me a lot of hugs and just kept looking at me but then it went downhill from there (at least from my POV). Husband and I started to talk about things and some things came out from my end in regards to things that I knew but never told him I knew. it started when husband told me that if I would have nipped things in the bud the first time that I saw the text messages from OW back in Jan 2009 then he would have straightened up and that the only reason he made a big deal out of me looking at his phone was because he knew he was wrong and wanted to deflect it back to me and make me feel bad. he also told me about a trip he took to OW and son the weekend before we moved in together. i told him that I had actually just found out about it when I was reorganizing the files and noticed charges on an old credit card statement. I didn't know he had been sneaking around that long and i thought our first few months of marriage were good but now I find out that he was sneaking long before we even moved in together. I ended up telling him that I found a woman's bra and underwear in our closet that he claimed he got rid of a long time ago. he didn't actually get rid of them until this weekend and i told him I figured he returned them to whoever came to visit him this weekend. He is still denying that he had company but claims that he just threw the under garments in the trash this weekend. Then we actually talked about OW and he claims that he lied to me when he told me that he slept with her. husband said that he did sleep with someone but just said her because he figured that I would believe him since I already had doubts about the two of them...this was very confusing to me. I told him that I didn't know whether he had a PA with her or not but I do know that it is at least on an emotional level with her. I told him that after OW text me during the Christmas holiday I realized that something was going on with them and i found out that she had sent him information on getting a divorce (this slipped out). Husband asked how do I know that and I told the truth about how I looked in his work cell phone to find out if my suspicions were correct. Well, that is when CHIT HIT THE FAN!!! Husband blew up again about me going through his phone...first time since Jan 2009 (that he is aware of) and i fed into his anger. I was going to apologize but I remembered what husband had just said how he deflects things to get himself out of the hot seat. i told him that I had very little choice but to snoop when i would ask him questions and he would always lie. Husband then calmed down and said that he had been talking to OW about us and told her that (1) he wish he would have never gotten married (2) he told her how I went through his phone (3) he told OW that I thought they had slept together. This info hurt more than anything that husband has done and he said that he stopped talking to her about us because he realized it was wrong but he felt like she was the only person he could talk to.

So after this talk i can tell by husband body language that he has changed his mind about thinking that I shouldn't leave. he is clearly pissed about me looking at his phone and i feel an awful pit in my stomach. Its like I had the power/upper hand in the confidence i was exuding in moving on with my life and then during our conversation it was transferred to my husband. I was left feeling bad for snooping and letting him know that i snooped. also felt bad that husband had been talking to OW about us. I told husband that I thought the one part we had special to just us was our willingness to talk to each other about anything. i thought I was the only woman that he shared intimate thoughts with or his true emotions and feelings. now i feel like no part of our relationship was real...husband says that is not true but who knows...

So, DBers, I pose a question....how do I get the power back in this equation. i am the one leaving physically but now feel like husband has COMPLETELY backed away emotionally. Is this something I can't recover from...I plan on having little contact with him via phone once I move but I am not sure if he will ever forgive and let go of the snooping. his privacy is very important to me. And I realize that I have an entire laundry list of things that he has done to me but I am the one that wants to work on the marriage and he is not so I have to be the one to push those things aside for the longer term goal.
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