First meeting w/ WAW, I'm shaky need encouragement

[SweetCyborg]

I'll try to be brief. Sad to have to be here, but SO glad I found DB book and site! Ssems like a helpful loving community!

We've been together 16 years, married for 12. We had a romantic vibrant passionate early romance in NYC, with many friends, dinner parties, travel, good sex. The engagement was triumphant in scale and creativity, and we had and a nice, unique, lovely wedding.

We both worked in the music biz for big companies, and ultimately started a popular website where we reviewed restaurants and were featured in Entrepreneur and NY Times.

I was laid off from a big multimedia company, and my wife wanted to go back to grad school. I LOVED NYC, but acquiesced to leave for a while b/c I loved her.

After grad school we ended up staying in ths midwest town (which made me sad but I was dealing with not going back to NYC) and we both got decent jobs at the University. Three years ago, she started an EA the PA w/ a co-worker. I was torn apart! We were friends, soulmates, but she was suffering from BiPolar deppresion and this guy who was married but separating from his wife, took advantage of her vulnerability. I was devastated, cried, begged, threatened to leave, but she would not break it off. I wish I'd read DB last time.

She had a suicide attempt, and this guy kind of kicked her to the curb and I really had fought to get her back thou I was so hurt and betrayed, I still loved her. She committed to cutting him off, and trying our marriage again. It was hard for her to b/c they work together. They had one or two non-work related conversations/emails which she told me about which mad me very angry, but finally I let it go and said "let's get back to our marriage". I do not give up easily.

We got back together a year ago started counseling, but she was always resistant, she felt ganged up on (even though I always tried to let her talk/ vent) and that we could never get past the affair. Yes, I was still angry hurt etc. but would rarely bring it up. However, I always felt that she had not done everything to rebuild trust b/c she still works w/ the OM.

Well, in the last year, we've had ups and downs, but I thought making progress until she quit therapy because it made her feel too bad about herself (she has very low self-esteem). Yes, I would occasionally bring up the A.

Last week, we had a big fight where I brought up the past (which I know now from reading DB was that I wasn't truly forgiving). and she left just before Valentines day and said she's "DONE" and doesn't want to work on it anymore.

Again I find myself going crazy, shaky, can't sleep, eat, think straight, work etc. IT SUCKS! I know she too is having a hard time staying at her friends house.

Anyway, we're supposed to have a meeting today and I DON'T know what to say. I don't want to SCREW it up! I have stopped pleading, begging, calling, emailing as the 'last resort' technique suggested which is very hard for someone like me and I'm sure she's shocked but hasn't really contacted me either.

She says she loves me, but is hopeless that things will ever improve and she can't take it anymore. I can't tell if she's suffering from impaired judgment since being off of her meds for several months. Yes, I was 'picking' we had some ups and downs but I thought it was getting better I didn't know she wanted to leave me again. I wish we would've stayed in MC.

One moment (last week) she was planning our vacation, the next day (after fight) she was leaving??? That doesn't sound like straight thinking to me. Unless, she'd been thinking about it but wasn't sure until the fight.

I want to not make any wrong moves today. I don't want to beg but I don't want to agree to a divorce (which is what I think she's thinking). She only sees the bad in the last year, and I always seem to highlight the good.

How should I approach this "next steps" meeting? Should I let her lead instead of fighting for my marriage? Should I just listen? Should I try to convince her that it has been too soon since her affair for me to be fully healed but I was getting there! Please help me ?

OK thanks, guess I wasn't so brief after all...