In response to what Coach said.....would you feel the same way if you found out today that your W had been in an A when she was S from you (or maybe even before she left you) and didn't tell you that when the two of you reconcilled?
I have withheld things that I thought different ones in my family were not strong enough to handle. Maybe they were very old & fragile. Maybe they were very ill at the time, etc. I understand how you are relating that with a MR that is in ICU. But that is how I was seeing the other thread that I referred to when the OM from the past called the WAW when she & her H was recovering her A and doing fairly well. She was afraid to tell her H and wanted to protect him from any pain it would inflict. Since I have a H with a health condition....I immediately thought about it in that light, but I was shot down for it b/c it was not being transparent.
In response to what Lotus said.....
Being in dreamland and having a PA is different. Your H never knew of your PA, right? To me, that is serious stuff. Did you contact the OM before or after the retreat or just stopped contacting him? Did you go through withdrawal?
Do you wonder how your H would react if the OM (or somebody else) contacted him and said something about the PA--and he doesn't even know that information? Would it cause a problem now? The new information might cause him to think he looks like a fool (you know how some men are about that)b/c he was in the dark about it.
I think it is very rare that two people can go the rest of their lives without telling their S about an A without it coming back to bite them. It concerns me that a newcomer would think they don't have to have transparency in the M b/c often times.....even if they think they have forgiven "complaints" they don't realize it includes an A they didn't know about.
I understand what forgiveness is, but I also think the person doing the forgiving should know what they are forgiving. At the time of forgiving, the emotional state is usually one that you think, "It doesn't matter what has happen, I forgive", and if one can truly do that then that's wonderful and it wipes the slate clean and you're off to a fresh start. However, even if it is suppose to include "everything" they ever did, I think I know how most people would respond to certain situations. If I told my H that I forgave him of the things in the past....and then some woman contacts us that she has a child that was born out of an A with him.....I think I would be dazed to say the least.....and my first reaction would probably be, "I didn't know I was forgiving you of a PA when I thought I was forgiving you for spending too much time away from me & the kids". It's kind of like wrapping up a package and having a lot of odds & ends with this one really ugly item you are hoping gets lost in the shuffle with the other stuff and he won't notice it.
Anyway, I won't continue to harp on the subject.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
