The only explanation I have is that H is not in love with me. He loves me and as the C said, "he just cant break away from you, I dont know what it is to hold him so connected with you but he seems to have done all possible to get away from you only to come back again". It's not much different to where I am. We are tangled into a unhealthy R, both unable to take the next step although we both have good reasons. The only difference is that I am willing to act in a way that will bring back the missing emotions while he isnt.
It's how we are. I am more passionate about things and life and since I decided to turn this around, I am willing to work hard for it. He isnt that way. As long as he doesnt do his part, I hold back, as long as I hold back, he isnt "feeling" well into our M. Again a gridlock.
The C doesnt know him. And She has seen him twice. And she has told me she is not exprienced with couples counceling. I do know better where we stand. I dont buy the depression thing either btw.
H left yesterday. Which is agood thing at this point. I need a break. A week will be good. He was very upset leaving the...kids. And made me feel stupid again for a minute.
In our M, dates and anniversaries were downplayed. You see, for the first 3-4 years, all the important dates were close to other dates, sad dates, deates of death, weeks of someone being in the hospital,business trips, all these forced me to not care about these much. But I dont want that. I want it to be different.
Ali, you know, like very few people do, that when he said he wanted back, I wasnt excited and happy about it. I agreed only if he was willing to do his part. I cannot generate good feelings on my own. Loving feelings have got to be a product of our interactions. And that isnt happening much. K
