No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[25yearsmlc]

as OM's flaws are revealed, the contrast may not always go against you. But anyhow....a moot point soon enough.
J-

[Hope4us]

Ok. I did get a chance to read that part. Just not the rest. I thought you handled it quite well by the way.

If you still want to save your marriage, my personal feeling is that you're going to have to wait for another period of time AFTER OM retires before you'll see any changes.

From what I have read, your W sounds like she's in limbo hell. She sees/talks to/works with OM and even if the A is over, she still is getting those love chemical shots every time she has any contact with him at all. I saw it in my W. OM dumped her as soon as I exposed to his W. He already had a new GF in his new city after he moved but was still getting together with my W when he didn't have plans with the new GF (I confirmed this through various means). Then after I got ahold of OMW, OM dumped my W in a minute. But my W still hung on to the idea that he would be there for her when she divorced me and they were still in contact by IM/email while at work until.....

My telling the kids what was going on when I was preparing to file for D was what finally ended contact between her and OM. And like I said, it took probably a year before I saw real changes in her.

Now, after almost 2 years of NC, my W is back to herself. She's said to me now that she realizes she didn't love OM, but that he was giving her what she needed at the time (that I wasn't due to crazy work stuff, travel, long hours, etc) and it was intoxicating.

If I was you and you still want to try (which it seems like you do), I would give her all the space in the world. I got to a point where I detached enough from the situation while still being loving and doing fun things with W when she accepted my offers and if she wasn't interested I did them anyway. That gave her the time to figure it out without pressure from me. And she's told me recently that she loves me more than ever because I did let her make that decision on her own without any pressure.

Was it hard? Hell yes. And if you read some of my old threads you'd never know it because I was all over the place. But looking back now in retrospect, that space and no pressure was what she needed.

I can't promise it'll work with you guys, but I could almost guarantee that it'll be a number of months after OM retires before you'll see her begin to change. And that's only if there's NC even after he retires.

Good Luck.

[MrBond]

Thanks H4U. I kind of figured that. I just couldn't believe I had to wait 2 years until he's out of the picture.

I don't think she'll keep in contact with him. I just have to bump up the attention to fill that void.

Did you flirt with your W? How did you do it?

[MrBond]

Well I don't know if this is a sign for the man upstairs, but ever since I've been praying a bit for my sitch, things have been moving in my personal life. Last week I joined a prayer group at work and then two days later the OM shows up at my working place.

Yesterday, we had another prayer group meeting. Now, I often think about the girl I was dating. How wonderful she was, etc. And I often wondered if I should go after her or not. Then today she "unfriends" me from Facebook.

I wonder if it's God's way of telling me to concentrate solely on my W or rather the sitch with my W.

It's a helluva coincidence.

[MrBond]

" the contrast may not always go against you."

Clarify please.

[25yearsmlc]

It means not every comparison between you and OM will be one you lose. On the contrary, you'll win out mostly, based on the crazy stuff he's done I'd have to say you're already making headway. And as I said, soon it'll be a moot point anyhow. (He must be a bit older too.)

I just about totally disagree with hope4's approach with his w's "A"/EA/PA and that's assuming way more about your w than you know (ie that she had the same type of A as his wife). Nor do I think much of that approach, if any, is from DB so please think long and hard before you expose your w's behavior to others, let alone involving your children in that exposure (which seems totally punitive ) b/c even if it "worked" for them and even if they work out long term, I'd say that w might have come around anyhow or maybe they have the unusual sitch where she needed her h to stand up and draw a line, or maybe she doesn't mind the shaming or even thinks she deserves it... but it is NOT a DB approach or in alignment with any MC's I've met or known and can do so much damage and make you look so petty and vindictive, that she'd be able to justify the R with OM b/c you're such a jerk as evidenced by your involving so many others. As for involving your kids at their ages....well, Wow, I'm so stunned I just am strongly oppposed to that.

His telling you all this is one person's version of their experience, and projecting it onto you as a course of action probably isn't such a great idea. No, I'm not projecting mine onto you b/c we all know my sitch is nothing like yours as far as a 3rd party, and we didn't have the same issues. But I once nearly had an A and if my h had exposed the "almost A" (which he did not know about) or if he involved my children or tried to punish or shame me into staying with him I'm pretty sure I'd have left him or at least deeply deeply resented him for cornering me. It doesn't seem to come from a place of love
and in the end, that's what would have mattered the most to me.

More important, I'm very much a supporter of MWD's approach and don't get why people who oppose HER approach post here. They can post on other M sites, or write their own books...but to come here and hand out advice based on "this worked for me"...and not even present it that way but act as if it's part of this place's philosophy...nope. I disagree.

Anyhow, back to you, let me say that one size doesn't fit all. And yes, it's probably a sign if you are praying, opening your heart to His signs and you get one...hmmm, yep. And besides, don't put yourself in limbo too. Isn't one person being there enough? Would it really be fair to a new woman to say you're half available? And there's also the issue of ruining whatever chance there may be, of proving your commitment to your w.

Now that does not mean you wait around forever. I hear you. Maybe an internal "deadline" for you to know that at some defined point in the future, this will end one way or the other...might not be a bad idea. MWD discusses this b/c after all, we are all human. Not all M's can be saved....

Yes it takes two people to make a M work...but now and then, it only takes one to end a M...if it happens though, you'll be alright and you now know that. As for the cool woman you met already , be mindful that sometimes they can be like OPs in that they look REALLY good when our own spouses are at their worst. Not necessarily accurate though.

How long do you think you can hang in there at this rate? Did your w say anything about a recon in the past? If so, what?
j-

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Thanks for the clarification.

For H4U's story, I wasn't planning to do the exposure thing. In fact, I basically told my W I had forgiven her for it over a year ago. I think more than anything I was "expecting" an apology from her or some kind of remorse. I never got them. That's when I realized that it really was up to me to "get over" what she did on my own. It was hard and I did the best I could through detachment. But of course the thoughts would come in every now and then since she still worked with the OM.

I was interested in his interactions that drew her closer to him. I know in both out instances, trust is a big issue. I do believe that she is much more receptive to something since the OM is leaving, but what that thing is, I don't know. Like his sitch, I think it will take awhile for her to forget about the OM (if she ever does). So right now I'm playing it by ear.

"How long do you think you can hang in there at this rate? Did your w say anything about a recon in the past? If so, what?"

Right now I'm playing it by ear. I never thought I would last one year much less 2. I'm just taking things a day at a time. She has never mentioned anything about a recon. The closest was about 4 weeks ago when we had gone to my friend's house for her party. I invited her to come and she went, although she kept to herself.

She later told me that it was a "big thing" for her. In what way I'm not sure. I think if I would have asked her, she would have changed the subject. I just wanted her to dwell on it a bit.

Right now since interactions with my W has been positive, I don't consider myself in limbo. I mean, I do what I want to do, I'm learning every day, healthier, got goals, etc. But what I want to do is to continue the positive trend with my W and not go backwards.

That's what my questions are. What should I do from here to keep the positives going? Patience is key and it does bother me that it has taken so long at times.

[MrBond]

BTW, the OM is 61 and my W is 37.

[Hope4us]

Bond, You came on my thread and asked for my take and I came over here and gave it. You can do with it what you will. It's my OPINION based on what worked for me.

Now for a short thread jack.

25MLC. Read what I wrote above. Bond came on my thread and asked for my take. I'm not going to defend what I did and what I didn't do. But I will defend telling my kids. You can think it's punitive all you want, but both of my kids THANKED me for telling them the truth. Might not be DB but the TRUTH isn't what causes damage in ANYTHING. I was going to file for divorce and I would not allow my kids to think I thought my W and I divorcing was what we BOTH thought was best for everyone involved. They needed a STABLE parent and at that time, my W wasn't. And I know that doesn't fit YOUR idea of what anyone should do, but I'll post here until the Mods tell me I can't, not you. I also have talked to MC's and read a lot of books written by MC's who specialize in Infidelity and some of them support exposure and some of them don't. A couple of them I've read support telling kids as young as 7, in an age appropriate manner.

Bond, You have any more questions for me, I'll be glad to answer them. Just like everyone else on these boards, you're free to do with it what you will.

[MrBond]

Hope4us,

I guess my main question is that in your case, after the OM was kind of out of the picture, what did you do to try and attract your W back?

Did you flirt with her? Ask her out on dates, etc.? Touch her?