HB - thank you so much for your encouragement. I've read about your journey. I read your resource posts when I first came here. I wish there was another way to get to the point that I think I have finally reached----or that I would have gotten here sooner, but I think I can accept that I'm "here" now and get to work.
Believe it or not, there is no "one set way" to get to the point of understanding; which is where you have gotten to.
Understanding and comprehension are not reached on a certain timetable...each person has their own unique way of getting there.
It took me three months after I was bombed to finally get what I had to do for myself...and even after that I made a whole bunch of errors...and this was partly because I was allowing myself to get very angry at what I was seeing; and when my anger showed, he ran...and backslid, leaving me kicking myself hard before I tumbled after him; like Jack and Jill and the water, plus the hill. LOL!!
There were MANY times when I slipped backwards..and took him with me when I did....time was added on for the mistakes...each time you make the mistake of pushing and/or saying the wrong thing(and I was famous for that)...the midlifer can and will go backwards...in that process taking the LBS with him.
I cannot exactly tell you when I finally just let go of it all..but I reached that necessary point..and almost forgot he was there for a time.
He followed me so closely, he was literally walking on my heels; but still I strode forward; immersed in my own life.
When the pressure comes off, they come forward....or not; their choice not ours.
And you know, they hold the power of decision; they always did(and remember so do you)...it doesn't really matter to them what you want; they are looking at what they want in their lives.
But you can make yourself more attractive to them..in the hopes they will decide to continue their lives WITH you instead of without you.
Shared history can make more of a difference than you think...you KNOW them in way that no one else can; as you have been there when no one else has.
Some additional thoughts I've been thinking about:
Someone had spoken of ultimatums and drawing the line as being frowned upon here...but only the LBS knows when the time is right to set those in order to break a cycle of cake eating and emotional abuse that continues on and on and is clearly seen. I think the Divorce Busting book refers to it as "Last Resort", and it's been said that it wouldn't work in MLC.
It worked for me to break a cyle or two as I had set a couple myself but only when the times were right and I knew they were right. The attitude of being willing to lose all in order to gain something better is a major factor, and you have to be emotionally ready either way this might go, as it would be a gamble...as life is ALWAYS that. There are times when you will know you're facing a cycle, and it must break or it will go on and on and on and on...and it becomes up to you to break it. Sometimes you will be afraid, that is a normal feeling..courage is such that you act in spite of the fear, not to hurt, but to help it along.
My husband was working through the final stages toward coming back together when I drew the line not once but twice on his attempted disrespectful treatment of me. I'd seen flashes of the old and the new..and he was trying me to see what he could get away with as he continued to change in rapid fire fashion...I could clearly see he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...and I acted on that knowledge to start setting boundaries...which can be construed as Ultimatums.
Cake eating is a simple one..one that refers to the spouse wanting to do whatever he wants and still have you wait. This one is a touchy one..but the cycle would become clear and again, you would see it. You should not be expected to continue to watch him hop back and forth, whether it be hopping back and forth between you and an OW or moving in and out like a Jack in a Box any time he feels like it, and continue that behavior..but if you choose to not confront him....he may not break that on his own; and it would increase his disrespect for you; in essence you would become a doormat for him. It's like breaking a child of a bad habit. Again, you would KNOW when this is a cycle that must be broken...and understand that he could become angry and decide to go away...but self respect is being sacrificed every time he does this; and a LBS can only decide for themselves what they are willing to continue to tolerate at that time.
More food for thought.
Let me remind you and anyone else who is reading this once again...every person is different, every MLC is different..what works for one may not work for another. Sometimes it is a series of trial and error.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
