My H used to miss seeing our S even though he is 22, but he moved two hours away so it was his problem. S did keep in touch but of course at that age has a life which he continued to have, I probably saw him as much as H but he never knew that lol!
I like Mishka's suggestion, every other weekend and one week night at your place..
I know you feel angry right now but it will take some time to get your head round things, big questions are do you want him back? I agree that you need to set boundaries but be careful how you do this, sorry if I asked before but have you read DR yet as the key to DR is not to do all the natural and obvious things we do.. pursuing, begging, pleading.. it suggests GAL and getting on and doing 180's on things you did before that you want to change but all of these are for you not to get H back! Sorry for waffling!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh, don't do the one night a week at your place! Just a dinner visit where he either takes the kids to his place or out somewhere. Being in your home is too much stress.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Dear HC, This is my first comment on this forum and my heart was taken by the pain that you and your children are feeling right now. Previous posters are absolutely correct – it is like grieving a death. There are losses along the way which need to be individually grieved. However, if I can, I want to offer hope. It is not over until it is over. Your marriage might be on life-support right now, but it is not dead.
If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend reading Divorce Remedy (specifically the Last Resort Technique in chapter 6). I have been personally trained by Michele Weiner-Davis and have implemented her strategies in my own coaching business. Let me tell you, they work! Just this week, one of my clients’ H returned home after having a year long A. The year was excruciatingly painful for her, but she stuck to her DB strategies and now they are rebuilding their M.
A couple thoughts float to mind as I read about your sitch. First, do you have a place where you can express your anger, really get it out in a positive manner? Some of my clients find it helpful to go for a fast run or even get a punching bag! Their anger is then channeled in a way that isn’t destructive (ie: seeping out at work or at the kids or even your H). If you have something like this in your life, use it. If not, think about what might be effective for you.
Secondly, regardless of what happens to your M, you will always be co-parents. What I am about to say might sound ludicrous at first, but what is your H doing well in his parenting right now? It might only be a teenie, tiny thing like expressing desire to see the kids, but find that thing. And when you do have a conversation make sure you thank him for it. You could say something like, “despite everything that is going on right now, thank you for wanting to see the kids” or “I appreciate that you are making an effort to see the kids”. I know that it is easy to see all the things that H is not doing and focus on them, but this won’t be the most effective way to build a good co-parenting situation. So find the things he is succeeding at and make sure you let him know that you recognize them.
I hope this post is not too long. I am so pleased that you have the support of this forum and I will most certainly be thinking about you as you walk this journey!
Jeff, thanks I totally agree. It is obvious even with how he blows off what's happening to the kids, that he doesn't care what I or anyone has to say!
My phone is not working properly, I just sent H a text meant for a (girl) friend. She was teasing me about going out Sat night and said something about work. I replied that I wouldn't be in today, home with S3 who is sick and that "it's not a thing just a drink and some fun, brat." This is not about anyone, but he is upset. He sent back -wrong person....nice. Do I explain this isn't about a date or guy? I don't think even if it was that it is any of his business, but I don't know what I want to do at this point DB or give up. He can do what he wants right?
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
HC, one of my rules is that the lines of communication are *always* open when it comes to coparenting. My children are not going to get caught in the cross-fire of any mindgames going one between H and I. I would recommend that you respond promptly and politely to any communication regarding the children if you wish him to do the same. I am being ultra-cooperative and respectful in the coparenting R with my H, because that sets a precedent for how we are going to operate in the future. We have a 3 yo too -- that's 15 years of coparenting dependent children ahead of us!!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Welcome eryn. I'm also in Canada. I hope you will start a thread in the Newcomers forum to tell us more about yourself . We don't have many MWD-trained folks participating in the fora so you are a welcome addition.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My H used to miss seeing our S even though he is 22, but he moved two hours away so it was his problem. S did keep in touch but of course at that age has a life which he continued to have, I probably saw him as much as H but he never knew that lol!
I like Mishka's suggestion, every other weekend and one week night at your place..
I know you feel angry right now but it will take some time to get your head round things, big questions are do you want him back? I agree that you need to set boundaries but be careful how you do this, sorry if I asked before but have you read DR yet as the key to DR is not to do all the natural and obvious things we do.. pursuing, begging, pleading.. it suggests GAL and getting on and doing 180's on things you did before that you want to change but all of these are for you not to get H back! Sorry for waffling!
It's okay, I don't know that I want him back, but that could just be the anger talking now. It's easier to be angry than to be be hurt, though I am sure I am angry because I am hurt!
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Thanks Eryn- Welcome and thank you for caring enough to post about my situation.
He is doing great with wanting to see the kids and you are right I should tell him that- at some point.
He says he will do whatever he can to make this easier on me and the kids, he says he will come stay with them for 2 weeks if that is what I need. Problem is he lies, a lot. It's hard to know when he is being sincere, or just saying what he thinks I want to hear, or saying what will make him feel better. Another problem I have is I feel I've lived a lie and I don't know how to communicate with this person. right now I am too angry and want little contact with him, it makes this so much easier.
He wants us to be friends. I do not have friends who treat me this way. I understand we have children to raise together and I will communicate with him about the kids. I am having a very hard time not building resentment towards him. When my son cries for him our our D lashes out because of him, I just think, "I hate you for this."
I am probably doing all the wrong things now and I will get the book, you all recommend DR? I can't help but feel I am done though. perhaps it is anger talking. I am GAL, not talking about R, not really giving him the time of day, which I don't know if that is wrong or not? I am seeing an IC and finally am making these changes for me and not for what he will see them to be. I can honestly say that and have for the past week. I just feel different. Maybe it's my anger? Maybe I know I do not deserve to be treated this way. I also want to teach my kids that it is not okay to allow people to treat them this way.
Here's what I do knw....I want my family to not be in crisis. Not sure what to do to get us out of that?? I am happy that there is aplace such as this, where perfect strangers will take the time to listen to my crazy thoughts and care about my sitch. It makes me cry everythime I see a post and I know there is some good in this world I am living in right now!
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Definitely get DR and read it ASAP. As far as teaching your children that it's not OK to be treated that way...be careful. You are not going to help them by showing them your anger towards him. He is their father and if you are letting your anger creep into things, you are putting them in the middle of a conflict that is not their responsibility to deal with. As far as my children are concerned, their dad is going through a rough time, as adults sometimes do.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. We don't have many MWD-trained folks participating in the fora so you are a welcome addition.