What about the REAL issue here? Have you had a talk with your D? See how she feels? You should look into C for her if needed.
She's only 3 so I dont know what/how I should talk to her about any of this. My L might be able to tell me more about that...as they may have a childrens C that they work with.
And I wanted to say that I think I finally learned what doing something for "you" means tonight.
I told you all about the date I had scheduled...and despite being served today I went on it anyway. I think it was the best thing I could have done and I wish it could have happened about a month ago...as I dont think I would have
We just hung out as friends...but the boost to my self-esteem at having someone just spend time with me was amazing. Even if I gain nothing more than a friend, I came to realize that there is more to life than my ex, and that I'll be fine no matter what. I also dont feel bothered by my ex and OM...as long as D3 isnt exposed to any shenanigans...they can do whatever they want. The hate and anger has subsided...and it's almost indifference at this point.
As I said...I wish this had happened a month or two ago. Then I might not have been served with custody papers.
nsw, I hope you can look deep into your heart and decide what is best for your D and act in her interest. Even if that means not getting into a custody fight to have more time with her. Maybe you need some time to rebuild and work on IC before you can be the stable father that your D needs you to be. From reading about your sitch, it's not obvious to me what's best for your D at all.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The date you went on just hid the pain. After she's gone, the drama is still going to be there.
Are you really 32 years old? You talk like you're 18.
And why would you go to your L to find a C? Do it yourself. If you're going to IC, then ask your C.
It seems like you're taking the easy way out for everything even in the case of your D. Rather than talking to your D or figuring out how you would work out custody for her, you go out on your date.
My D is 3 too and she's plenty aware of what's going on. You're just ignoring her. Honestly it's no wonder your W is going for full custody. You act like you don't have a clue. Oh I'm sure you're a good "dad" for taking her out for ice cream and everything, but you need to start considering her overall welfare.
Have you thought enough about HER needs? I hate to say it, but your W has the right idea. She has made this all about her and your D. You are the one who refuses to grow up and take personal resposibility.
You're giving up your D's life for a little side action to take care of your needs. Oh poor you. Grow up. Did you even ask the .
I didn't think this post would end up being so harsh, but you are using your D at your own convenience just like you W. You are putting YOUR needs before hers. My D is the same age as yours and when I see kids being tossed to the wind like you're doing, it ticks me off.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My D is 3 too and she's plenty aware of what's going on. You're just ignoring her. Honestly it's no wonder your W is going for full custody. You act like you don't have a clue. Oh I'm sure you're a good "dad" for taking her out for ice cream and everything, but you need to start considering her overall welfare.
Have you thought enough about HER needs? I hate to say it, but your W has the right idea. She has made this all about her and your D. You are the one who refuses to grow up and take personal resposibility.
You're giving up your D's life for a little side action to take care of your needs. Oh poor you. Grow up. Did you even ask the .
I really shouldnt have to defend myself, but here goes.
My ex lives with her father and her fathers girlfriend, both who drink and smoke heavily. Her father was even convicted of a DUI, and according to my ex's mother, the reason she left my ex's father was because he abused her physically and verbally. So it would not be in the best interests of D3 to have her live in that environment.
And if you think that date was about "action on the side"...thats because you dont know me. I'm not a 41 year old predator. Relationships to me arent about sex...its about having someone there for you...to talk to and share your life with. It was that way with my ex...we werent heavily intimate because of how she was raised and that was ok with me. I would much rather sit on the couch and spend time together anyway. And as far as the new person goes, I'm planning on keeping it at the friend level until at least all this stuff with D3's custody is settled.
Relationships to me arent about sex...its about having someone there for you...to talk to and share your life with. It was that way with my ex...we werent heavily intimate because of how she was raised and that was ok with me. I would much rather sit on the couch and spend time together anyway. And as far as the new person goes, I'm planning on keeping it at the friend level until at least all this stuff with D3's custody is settled.
Do you truly feel [like 99%] that you are emotionally ready to become involved, no matter how lightly, w/a new R?
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I don't think anybody will debate a R *can* enhance life and be a very special thing. The problem I have is you really haven't done much growing or changing for the better (yet) and you are already looking ahead to the next R. You only stopped pestering your STBX, what, a week ago? Now that you have some legal barricades that sort of force you to stop that pursuing and negative behavior towards your STBX you are moving on to the next R. IMO something FOR YOU should be happening in between. You have some self improvement and maturity to gain and most importantly, you need to be able to self soothe and be happy all on your own.
As far as your STBX living with her dad, well, that might not be a permanent arrangement so don't bother listing all the negatives. If she is suing you for full custody there is a good chance that suit will also involve a demand for monthly support of some kind. Your STBX very well might be making a move once she figures out the logistics of monthly support.
Legally you have NO recourse against your STBX regarding the OM so she sits in a very good position. You were not married to her and it doesn't even sound like you were together long enough to be considered "common law" spouses. Chances are the courts will ONLY consider the fact the two of you share a minor child. And, while your STBX is not without fault, "on paper" your pursuing and crazy behavior can easily be documented. Her transgressions are not exactly transgressions in the eyes of the law as the two of you are not married. In fact, your STBX could easily have her boyfriend be a witness of the night you stormed over there.
I suggest you change your stance because right now, this *very* much could be about you having to defend yourself. Your daughter is going through enough right now and even if you keep the new person in your life separate from your daughter you are still taking away mental energy as you seem very needy for a R.
Right now your ONLY focus should be on the R you have with yourself, your daughter and learning how to co-parent with your STBX.
Every single time something is pointed out to you or suggested to you, you come back and say "well, its not like I am a predator" or something else extreme. Nobody said you were a predator. What we are saying is perhaps you are not making the best choices at this time no matter what your desires or needs are.
Right now your ONLY focus should be on the R you have with yourself, your daughter and learning how to co-parent with your STBX.
yes!!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't care how you justify what YOU want. What YOUR needs are. Hell we all want great relationships. No one should go through the crap we go through with our spouses.
If you actually read my post, it was about YOUR D. While you and your W are taking care of your own selfish needs. And it is selfish. Who is satisfying your D's needs?
To clarify...it's not selfish for you to want someone who loves and respects you. What is selfish is that you are putting your needs BEFORE your D's. You never did answer the question. Do you want custody of your D, even half? Or are you planning to just let your W take her away from you?
If you don't care for or love your D, that's not a problem. But if you do, then start stabilizing HER life first and then take care of your needs. Right now the best way to stabilize her life is to stabilize yours. To show her that if you don't have a woman in your life that you're not going to be a big psychological mess.
Plus if you don't start dealing with your anger issues with you W, you will be putting her down and hating her in front of your D and that will mess her up. Let me make this clear...your W will forever be in your life because of your D. What have you done to deal with that?
What ever happened to you trying to be codependent no more?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Do you want custody of your D, even half? Or are you planning to just let your W take her away from you?
Not at all. I am planning on either getting full custody or keeping things exactly the way they are...which in my state is called "Primary Custody". I wont go for or accept in mediation anything less.
Until my ex left she really didnt act like she wanted ot be a mother. She would go out after work to drink/party and then sleep until 1PM and then get up, spend a few minutes with D3, then go to work. For the past two years I've gotten D3 up and dressed, fed her breakfast, lunch, dinner, brushed her teeth and got her ready for/in bed. Even now I do all that except lunch most days and on Friday nights when my ex has her.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Plus if you don't start dealing with your anger issues with you W, you will be putting her down and hating her in front of your D and that will mess her up. Let me make this clear...your W will forever be in your life because of your D. What have you done to deal with that?
What ever happened to you trying to be codependent no more?
I dont have a problem with my ex being in my life forever. It's not like I would have to see her for any other reason than medical/school things dealing with D3. She and OM can ride off into the sunset for all I care, as long as D3 remains primarily with me.
But in a way I feel bad for my ex now that these custody proceedings have started. If she isnt willing to keep things as they are at the very least...this is going to get very ugly. I dont want it to be like that...but if it comes to me losing custody of D3 or my ex facing legal consequences of some things, D3's living with me will win out.
I wish there was a way I could get her to call her L and drop the custody suit before things do get ugly...but I dont think thats possible. Anything I say to her now will just go in the ammo pile...which sucks for her.
