flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

Flowmom, I like the intellectual, businesslike aspects to your personality! But have you been able to laugh and let loose in awhile? Maybe tonight!?

I did have a nice evening with my friend from Liberia and her adorable grown-up son. We had beer and pho and watched skeleton and ice dancing at one of local sites.

I think I am due for more laughing and letting loose, and trying to figure out what that would look like. If I wasn't so ancient, I'd want to go dancing...it's been a long time.

I have to laugh at how I'm coming off here. I do have a hyper-analytical side, but IRL I'm *not* a planner, I like to be spontaneous, and I'm also a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, blurts things out, and likes to have fun.

The hyper-analytical side is my problem-fixing side...it's my way of managing fear using control. With DBing, I'm going to have to find a way to balance control (stopping myself from doing things that every fiber of my being screams out to do) with letting go and being myself (not sure what an outlet for that would be). For me, being the mommy has required a lot of self-discipline and working long, long days. I am getting a lot more childcare support than H has ever given me before. But before xmas the vast majority of my waking time was filled with childcare, houswork, and "executive parenting" tasks.

[flowmom]

Helicopter drops? Wilderness and wild carnivores? flowmom, you are my new hero. You impress me more and more every day.

Ancient history . If you only knew how banal my life is now.

[Number 8]

AND you have an excellent vocabulary. How could I have forgotten to compliment that? It's so nice to come across a fellow word lover.

[flowmom]

So this is the second week in a row that I've gone out for an evening, leaving H to put the kids to bed while I go out and do something social. Both times were pleasant, but I'm left with an empty feeling afterwards. It's GALing and my friends think it's great, so why do I feel deflated?

The familiar feels uncomfortable. The unfamiliar feels uncomfortable. I guess I'm feeling uncomfortable within myself. Maybe more of that ego-clinging, seeking to hold onto something...when really there's nothing there to hold onto...

[rr22]

No, it's grief. You used to have a partner to see every day who you closely identified with for 17 years. Now you don't. It feels like going around with a limb missing for a long time and I feel much of what I do for GAL still (7 months post bomb depending on how you want to count it) IS empty. If you've spent your entire adult life with a partner, it is a hard transition and it's not because you don't love yourself or fear entering the cosmic void or whatever. Your H's companionship is what you are used to on a gut and neurological level. Animals don't like being removed from their packs and isolated.

[Lost Rabbit]

Just popping in to say hi, some how I lost you lol!

Will have a good read later :wavey:

[flowmom]

I guess you're right rr. It helps to read that others feel the discomfort of GAL too. I guess I will prepare myself for that next time.

[newmama]

GAL gets easier though...I have no problem missing WH when I am doing something all female like belly dancing, or hanging out with my girlfriends. It's the other stuff that is very hard.

[Lost Rabbit]

Yep echo NM I was ok when with the girls enjoying myself or riding madam but it was when I was on my own I struggled..

[flowmom]

So R2C gave me some advice to DB the inlaws -- need more input on this! They know the sitch, but I don't know what H has told them about it. MIL supports giving H space but hopes for reconciliation. BIL probably thinks H "deserves to be happy". They all live 1000s of km away.

1. my MIL (who I've called twice since the S, just to keep things friendly but didn't discuss H or the sitch in detail at all) wants to come to visit in June and go on a trip with FIL, the children and me...how to respond??

2. more importantly, H's brother is coming to town in a week. BIL has been a confidant to H, and probably encouraged H to separate. BIL is much younger than H, and very self-centered...never has really committed to a R. BIL will be staying with H for 2 weeks and the kids do love him -- they will be seeing him a lot. BIL may have plans for H, like getting him laid or something along those lines. Probably sees himself as a cheerleader for H "getting on with his life". He's coming to support H, but what that would look like is scary to me.

How to deal with these people?? I have good Rs with them, but now it feels like playing with fire to interact with them at all.