me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yeah, went to therapy today. I said my peace about the boys; said that we came to therapy because she was going back and forth; said that I clearly would be better off without her.
She said that she hated me, that clearly I still didn't value her needs, that when I called her for V-day it made her both happy and mad, etc.
The the C led us to talk some about our issues with not connecting with intimacy, said, let me throw out a "hot potato" but you guys both clearly don't want to get divorced, would you consider therapy focused on that? Well... we're almost out of time, but you two should digest what we've said today...
Yeah, I'm at the house tonight, ate dinner with the family. W sounds like she wants to lay low for the moment - was kind of an intense session. Seems like they all are.
She's swung back from the "get it done ASAP" (and that was everything agreed upon for the settlement by Feb 19th) to "let's wait for the next appt in 2 weeks" - because, as she says, she doesn't want to make a mistake either.
Called W last night to talk about our plans for Saturday and the Cub Scout Blue & Gold banquet. She basically said that she's down to the point where she doesn't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and she doesn't have anyone to lean on. Her stomach had been hurting for 24 hours, etc. Bottom line she's miserable and doesn't see any relief from it in the future.
(Recall here that OM has basically dumped her.)
I had intended for it to be a brief phone call, but we talked for over an hour, I made her laugh, etc. She said at one point that it was helping.
Honestly wasn't sure here if I should have gotten off the phone with her or not, but in the end my thinking was that, she's a human being and could use some cheering up.
So, I flew from CA to OR this morning for work - about 10-15 minutes before I got up to present to a big room full of people, W called me, cursed me out. She was upset about money - she has bills to pay, everything has to go through me now, it's like she's being treated like a child, she can't believe she made herself vulnerable to me (I guess last night), she's so mad at me now, etc. Then she hung up on me. I seriously think the only thing I said during the conversation was "hold on," "what's up," and "what do you need?"
So, when I got a chance, I transferred half the amount we'd been talking about for monthly support (assuming bi-monthly payments) into the joint account. Tried calling her back, ended up leaving a message and texting about it. Have tried calling throughout the day, but no answer.
Seriously, throughout this process, W has never hung up on me, has never not answered the phone, etc. I'm sure she's been busy through the day too, but still. And yeah, I know not to call repeatedly, but honestly this is the state in which she calls her lawyer to set up court dates, and I've wanted to talk her down.
I'm still in OR, flying back tonight - meetings are over though.
I'm not mad, not anxious really, just want to resolve this as calmly as possible. Frustrated, really. She's worked herself into a state that's not necessary. I wonder if she starts to feel closer then feels a need to demonize me. I tell you though, she's in a miserable state.
Bill, you've read here. Of course there is a step back whenever there is a step forward. No more calling. Even if she calls the L. Shucks, if her stomach was hurting I wonder how she thinks you felt when she dropped her bomb?
Give her the space and time to learn how to come down on her own. She has to do that and you can't do that for her.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Yeah. No more calling. Thanks Wifey. I guess I'll have to call tomorrow though, we're doing the Cub Scout thing.
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
Shucks, if her stomach was hurting I wonder how she thinks you felt when she dropped her bomb?
I'm still 30 pounds down from when this started, and my hair is noticeably thinner.
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
Give her the space and time to learn how to come down on her own. She has to do that and you can't do that for her.
Hmm. Yeah. This was part of our relationship. She has said that she has found that she can spin out of control, and not know how to handle it, without me around to help her calm down.
Funny though...the cycle IS pretty predictable, and even you are realizing it now.
Just to put another thought in your head...every time she lashes out at you, and you handle it without lashing back, a positive deposit is made.
Those deposits do add up, even if we don't see it or believe it.
When you handle these situations with calmness, truth, not wussing out and giving in but also not trading tit for tat, it sends the message that you have you squared away. And it says that you are doing that thing that the WAS so often NEEDS to see (though they will never, until the very end, tell us they need) - the LBS remaining the rock in the relationship.
Isn't it odd how you can be the soothing voice when she is messed up inside?
You can't convince me that there is not positive in that.
You sound strong. That's awesome.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
