OP, I didn't say anywhere in my post that you were trying to "fix" your mom. :)I wasn't seeing it that way; your post was clear on what you were doing. I was making an observation or two based on what I was reading. I know several people in a similiar situation.
And, actually, you're doing right to let her know how you feel; anytime you don't like something it's your responsibility to let that person know. Doing what works, and discarding what doesn't.
Was the book I posted above pretty much what you're looking for in the way of an answer to your question? I dragged it over here so you wouldn't have to go looking for my thread.
Hope all is well.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I didn't say anywhere in my post that you were trying to "fix" your mom.
I know. I was just stating my position.
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Was the book I posted above pretty much what you're looking for in the way of an answer to your question?
No not really. But my thinking is probably in error regarding this. I am trying to figure out my W and what exactly is going on. I get it but I don't and I think I need to sit back and not worry about it and follow my lesson that I learned.
I have to go right now, but I will check in again later.
No not really. But my thinking is probably in error regarding this. I am trying to figure out my W and what exactly is going on. I get it but I don't and I think I need to sit back and not worry about it and follow my lesson that I learned.
I didn't think so. I had read and re-read what you were trying to say...and I was trying to figure out what you were asking...and I missed it, too, whatever it was..though what I posted was true as to what I think...I'm sorry.
You're trying to analyze what's going on...and since this is so confusing, you're not sure exactly how you're supposed to go about this.
It's normal to get it but not get it..understanding comes for people at different times in this. In alot of ways, you're afraid she won't come through without your help..and your fears bother you. I understand this very well....letting go is one of the hardest things to do in this...and accepting the fact we cannot help them; not at all. The MLC'ers are on their own..and any interference on LBS' part will cause them to backslide and run farther away.
Follow the lessons as you learn them....it doesn't matter where she is...the "plan" such as it is in MLC will be followed to the finish line; on her timetable, not yours.
Things will become more clear as she moves along, and your understanding WILL increase, given time.
Gotta run for now, too.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks HB for checking in on me. You have much wisdom and it is nice that you have come back to help.
I think in my sich, I will be fine. I guess what I was asking is more of an age thing and certainly dare I say this "hormonal". As I go though this process I am finding out things from both sides of the fence and it just makes me wonder. I know that everyone here has their own point of view about MLC and I believe they are all correct. Maybe what I am asking about is more like a 3/4LC or an almost end of life crisis. I just know that it seems a little bit different than what everyone else is experiencing.
I understand MLC, the resources especially your posts and Snodderly's make it all very clear.
I guess somehow I am still not convinced that I am asking the right question.
Op, not a problem, and you're welcome. There were times in this when I wanted to ask a question, and couldn't seem to get it out, either...stress plays a huge part in trying to find answers; and it doesn't help when you really don't know what questions to ask because you're in deep unknown waters..and still dog paddling along. I know how you feel.
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I guess somehow I am still not convinced that I am asking the right question.
That is entirely all right; we'll keep talking until your question that is still unknown is satisfied.
I see your comment about age/hormonal issues that have to do with this. I think, but am not sure that was covered in some of the resources. I will look and see if I or anyone else did cover that subject.
The short of it is this can strike between the ages of 35 and 55, and it DOES involve the hormones..bringing on hot flashes, mood swings and general confusion.
I will come back later, if not tonight, then later this weekend.
Have a great day, you're doing fine...your posts are very calm, considering the lot you've been cast and the hand you've been dealt.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I see your comment about age/hormonal issues that have to do with this. I think, but am not sure that was covered in some of the resources. I will look and see if I or anyone else did cover that subject.
From what I read it just said that their hormones were out of whack. I have yet to find anything that relates menopause/andropause(for men) to this whole process. The answers that I seem to get from people that are breezing though this process is that it has no cause/effect. I am not sure that I agree. Certainly all women/men go through a decline of hormones and they all don't have a MLC. However for those that do how does this event relate? When their hormones levels out does the crisis end or subside?
"Normal" male adropause lasts from age 30-70, with about a 10% drop in hormone levels per decade. Women off course have a much more precipitous drop. I don't know if men in MLC have a different "normal" or a larger drop in levels.
I know speaking for myself now that I have started to exhibit signs of hormone decline. My body itches for no apparent reason and I am sure I could come up with some other symptoms. LOL.
Anyway I was looking for other people to chime in about my theory or am I just way off base?
FWIW, I've read in the Resources that MLC men tend to go through the night sweats--I certainly remember how my H used to drench the bedsheets--which would suggest there has to be a hormonal component to their experience. Also, post-MLC my H notices that he's much more "emotional" and other symptoms of having more estrogen in his system. I'd be curious to see what you come up with....
Hi Cyrena...glad you chimed in on this; I always hoped I wasn't the ONLY one who saw my husband suffer hot flashes and have the night sweats...believe it or not, it was TWO weeks before I actually figured out he was experiencing exactly the SAME thing a woman experiences in menopause..and it further cemented my discovery that he was going through the dreaded Change of Life.
OP, from a sort of scientific point of view..men and women are supposed to become "balanced" during the change..men will somehow end up with more estrogen and women with more testosterone...it creates some sort of balance. That, in itself would also explain, the declining sex drive of man and the peak of a woman as they get older..it's like the opposite occurs..when young, the man is faster, the woman is slower..the opposite occurs as they age. The woman is faster, the man, slower. Emotional changes also occur that are supposed to teach each how the other half lives..is the only way I can phrase that.
Women must experience the emotions of men, whereas men must experience the emotions of women...and it all balances out.
One of the things I have discovered, is, at times I think more like a man does on some things..whereas my husband at other times thinks like a woman. It's amazing how this is supposed to work..but it does.
When you quit laughing..read what comes next, LOL!!
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Certainly all women/men go through a decline of hormones and they all don't have a MLC. However for those that do how does this event relate?
I think the ones who are already emotionally balanced and mature, they are the ones who "breeze" through..they are also the ones who are open minded, and willing to learn and grow. I've met a few in my life..but only a few. Some people are just equipped to deal, I think...and my hat is off to those who accept what happens to them as it happens.
I hope this will answer your question: Have you ever heard someone say that when a woman goes through the change, she literally goes 'crazy'? I had heard that many times in my life. Somehow the hormones are linked to the chemistry in the brain, but how, I don't know. When I went through The Change, and my hormones dipped and swayed, I experienced confusion, mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, depression...and the whole host of symptoms associated with going through the Mid Life Transition. I was not a very nice person when having episodes; I also cried alot from depression....and just wanted to be left alone. I was trucking during that time, and I got lost more times during a one-year period, than I ever did in my whole life. The hormones ARE linked to your moods, and feelings of well being; all this somehow does link to the brain; if hormones are unbalanced it will unbalance YOU; causing erratic behavior, the mood swings I spoke of..it has the look of mental illness but it's not.
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When their hormones levels out does the crisis end or subside?
Yes, it should, unless a mistake is made while going through...like a betrayal of any sort that provokes guilt.
I had made NO such mistakes, but as my hormones came back to normal, I knew within myself that I was different..it was a peaceful feeling.
I don't know if this will help, but I will post what I remember.
When I went into the tunnel...I was restless, had been having small episodes of hot flashes, mood swings..gradually it escalated. By July I was full blown into it...and I had a very rough year. I felt lost, disoriented,(never mind the times I read directions wrong, and got even MORE lost, LOL), wanted to be left alone, every time my cell phone rang it seemed to be my husband....and I wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE!! I also wanted everyone else to leave me alone...yet, I wanted someone to talk to me, to tell me this would pass.
I was carrying vague memories of what my husband had done..and those blew up into something bigger than they were supposed to be. I was literally consumed with hate for him...and for a long time after it was all said and done, I was ashamed of that, and had to forgive myself, though I never really acted on the feelings I was having. I simply bit his head off every time I talked to him....and it scared him badly, no kidding. It always has seemed that it was ok for him to fall apart, but if I did; that terrified him to no end...and so he did what I did NOT want him to.....pester the crap out of me.
An emotional distance sprang up between us, one of MY making, not his, and it drove him crazy....at times my mind would be clear, and I would explain each time that I was going through the change..and needed to be left alone so I could get through....he would say he was hurt because I was snapping at him continuously, I'd respond that he wasn't the only one who was getting snapped at and he never really left me alone..but there were times I managed to get clear of him by NOT answering the phone. I'd think about running away from him, and something would tell me I didn't want to do that..when I would ask why, I was told I'd understand later. I remembered that when my head cleared for good.
I felt like I was "burning up" I cried every time I laid down..and when I woke up I'd be soaked from head to toe...hot flash/night sweat.
There also came a time within that year when all of a sudden...I could actually see all the men I couldn't see before...and I was tempted to connect with one of them, but battled that temptation; I remembered what I'd suffered, and knew with some clarity that this was what I DIDN'T want to do. The pull was VERY strong. I mean, you see people all the time, but you don't see them. I'd always worn self-made blinders all of my married life and never really paid attention until all of a sudden. That challenge lasted around 3 months..then passed on to something else.
To help combat the physical symptoms I went to the GNC and got a natural herb of sorts that took the edge off so I could cope better.
I remembered mostly what I'd written, and what people had told me when it was my husband..and so, I did have most of the tools..but it was SO hard to remember what I was supposed to do for all the run away thoughts and such that comes with this.
And I prayed constantly for this to go away....after the physical symptoms, came the emotional battle; and I fought it...being forced to look at life from the beginning of what I could remember as a child; it was like I'd lived it the day before; it was THAT clear to me. I worked from there to my married life in stages.
I had an abusive childhood; and each event of abuse was looked at, resolved and worked through..peace was made, and then the next event was brought up. And so it went..right on into adulthood, marriage, having borne one child. My marriage was not perfect..but no marriage ever is; yet there were issues in it and another look at the emotional troubles that had shaped our marriage on both sides..but mine stood out MORE than his did.
I also remember a time when all I could see was where I'd failed...my son, who is 23 now, was an instrumental force in helping me past the Depression..and some of the Withdrawal stages.
I still remember that for everything negative I said, our son had a positive thing to say...and patiently he kept talking to me. He pointed out all the good I'd done in my life, all the lives I'd touched, the strength that he saw in me, the beauty that he saw, that I didn't see....but most of all; he supported and loved me.
I don't know how he knew how to handle me..but he had watched me handle his dad throughout...yet, I didn't have a problem with son helping me talk this out to see a different perspective...and the good..so, I was receptive to what he had to say...and we talked many times over the next two years.
I hate to say this..but during that time if my husband had fallen off the face of the earth, I wouldn't have cared...at least until I'd awakened...and I did..attaining some peace.
I continued to process along steadily; trying to get out of this as fast as I could..but the process doesn't allow for a speedy journey.
My inside life was pretty busy, several children did show in me..I don't know how many...but I know each child had their time in the sun, as was reintegrated within; that also took time.
Then things were peaceful, after I forgave not only everyone who'd ever done anything to me....yet, my husband was last in line; and I do NOT know why that was. I did reconnect with him, speaking of some of what I experienced, but not all. I had NOT done anything wrong..but some of the feelings I had regarding him were NEVER spoken of to him....I would have hurt him beyond belief, so I kept my silence on that...but there are NO guilt feelings in me for what I felt.
I simply talked about what I could talk about, and left some things alone; knowing that I was done and finished with this..THANK GOD! Little did I know..there would be one more episode of this... When I thought it was all over, I experienced a final "rumbling"..and things moved in rapid motion over a period of around three months. I think I went over my journey to see if anything had been missed...I'm not sure.
When that finished I was done, and knew it for certain....feeling like I'd been seared or something burned out of me...changed..yet, renewed.
Everything went back to normal within my body...hormones finished re-balancing, any rashes I'd developed during that time healed, and my skin even seemed to renew itself.
The only sign that got left on me, was my crow's feet around my eyes had deepened, and that was it.
I didn't throw a tantrum that I remember; and I didn't do some of the things that other people did. I don't doubt I would have been capable of doing wrong...but you STILL, even though you're in the thoes of this monumental change...have a CHOICE you can exercise.
It is possible to override a pull to do something you know within your heart and mind that would be detrimental to your moral character...you can damage yourself emotionally when you do something out of character...yet, if your morals/character are strong enough..you can overcome temptation.
It takes strength and lots of it... to withstand the changes that can overtake you like a whirlwind.
More questions?
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Gosh, I can remember the first 6 months of my ex's MLC he would sweat terribly at night. His shirt would be soaking wet! And he was only 30 at the time! I guess he had a hormanal imbalance.
Very good. I may have to read this a few more times. Your description of your journey matches up with the 6 stages. I think my last question which only I can answer is. If I still have to go through my own 6 staqes, I know I have gone through some already. Or am I to repeat this whole process when my own hormones go more wacko.
