Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

I know that I have to stop wallowing and start living and let go of this whole mess and the outcome of it. It is hard to do, though. Like another person on here said about letting go, I am scared of reaching a place where it would no longer matter if he came back or not and that if he did, I wouldn't want him back anymore. It's like if I let go now, then I will never be able to get the love back. I feel like this is my only chance at love so if I let it go I'm going to be alone and miserable and bitter the rest of my life. Irrational, I know, but it's how I feel at the moment.

I know one thing I need to work on is my weight. I have been unsuccessfully working on losing weight, all for H. I haven't done any of the exercising or watching what I eat for my sake. I'm only doing it because I hope that if I lose enough weight H will come back to me. And I know that's not a good reason to try and lose weight, which is probably why I have been such a spectacular failure at it. I need to get to the place where I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else.

I can see where I want to be, where I need to be. My face is pressed against the glass looking at it, but I don't know how to break down that wall and get there.