OP - Great advice. Hey can you give me a little more info on the mirroring. If I understand...does this mean that you mirror how they treat you. For example if they are pleasent and friendly you are to be the same towards them?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Something about mirroring that doesn't make sense-if they are in a bad mood, it doesn't make sense for you to be in a bad mood, too!
Destiny, I'm so deeply sorry for the pain you have experienced in your life. Sorry if I forgot but are you going to IC?
I think you should a) give him space- if he moves back in, avoid him b)give yourself permission to work on you meaning go to IC and GAL, just do not focus on him right now c)be polite but don't bend over backwards for him d) NO MORE R talk
keep posting! And rememeber some of what he said is blameshifting- so the last 2 years have been hard, this makes sense. But "being disappointed" because you didn't turn out to be the woman he expected is just ridiculous....and blaming you for his actions. For God's sake, marriage is supposed to be a built in support system for husband and wife as we change and experience bad as well as good things in life!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Something about mirroring that doesn't make sense-if they are in a bad mood, it doesn't make sense for you to be in a bad mood, too!
That is the time to distance yourself and detach
Quote:
If I understand...does this mean that you mirror how they treat you. For example if they are pleasent and friendly you are to be the same towards them?
Yes.
Remembering that you need to validate anything that they say and be non-confrontational.
OP - you know my sitch...we rarely if at all speak. This only adds to the despair that I sometime feel. I know that when I fully detach this will pass. I know buddy..i know...
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Catching up on your stich....very interesting and screams MLC. Definitely for your husband and I would say it almost sounds like you have tinkered on the edge yourself. I don't come to this board to often since I float around with the MLC weirdo's......I do have to give the disclaimer about MLC LBS's...we do thing differently
From your accounts of your tax meeting...it sounds like your husband was setting the whole fight up. You initially set boundaries and controlled the situation......but his continued prolongation of the day seemed very controlling. Almost like he wanted the fight to happen so he would have vindication for his actions.
As far as the affair...unless you live in a state that has tort laws regarding infidelity....let it go. If you think there is another woman...there probably is. Knowing for a fact will not change things for you or the situation....it will only cause pain. With your H in deep MLC, which I feel he is, he needs to find his own way...you can't help and you need to give him what he wants...that is space.
The good part about MLC...you get to find your way with out the confusion or carnage.
Thank you all for the advice and support. OP - I can do this..I just need to keep telling myself that. I know reacting based on how speaks to me or how he interacts with me is NOT GOOD for either of us. I felt like initially when he came over, that things were moving positively.
But I have to agree in thinking back to yesterday, LostforWords was right. I think he wanted to bait me because he is nice and amenable when I am not (in his mind) in his way. I will be nice and courteous and I will promise not to talk or ask questions at all. He seems to be anry about everything.
I feel like I was being "tested" yesterday.
I will detach and GAL and stay out of his way. He plans to move back on Sunday. I am going to keep myself busy that day and try and not be there when he arrives (but I hear there is another snow storm heading my way). I have dinner plans with a couple of girlfriends on Monday night, so that will be good to be out of the house when he gets home from work. I will continue to add daily events to my schedule so that to him, I am not even there.
My IC called while my H was at the house to check up on me. She is a good one!. I am meeting with her on Tuesday and I have my 1st DB Phone Coaching tomorrow morning.
Has anyone, if you wish to share, ever considered taking mediation to reduce the anxiety? I had an appt with my medical Dr today and he did prescribe medication, but I just don't want to depend on this to "be happy". He said I can use this for a short time, it depends on when I may need help when I am feeling anxious.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Has anyone, if you wish to share, ever considered taking mediation to reduce the anxiety?
Yes I am on lexapro. Psch. said I had too much stress. What do you think? Are you under any stress? Meds aren't forever, actually trying to ween myself off them now.
We are keeping your thread going on the MLC board. You might want to come over and read it. It might be better to stay there, even though some of us are coming over here to help you.
Hey DU, I just want to wish you luck with your H moving back home. I got hit with D papers in the mail yesterday so am not feeling very DB right now but I am pulling for you and will keep checking on you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are in my prayers.
My H is only moving back because he is lacking the cash to maintain his living in a hotel. He still wants to remain separated. But is still sending mixed messages. I had a great DB Coaching session this morning, so I am feeling pretty good and I am drafting my "Four Columns".
This may be an opportunity to both my H and I. However, this time I am living for just me. I will try to avoid him at all costs within the next week. This is not for him, but for me. I know that I am not the one who is UNWILLING to look at myself. When I used to suggest that maybe he talk to someone, his response was always, "why?, I don't have any issues".
Boy, is he living in a fantasy!
So, I will focus on me and continue to detach. I had to stop by my dry cleaner this morning and all the workers commented on how much weight I have lost. It's good that "someone" notices and can share in my happiness about getting that under control. My H doesn't notice a thing even though he use to tell me that he liked it when I was slim.
Oh, whatever, I am feeling good about how I looked which is a far cry from where I was 4 months ago.
Well, I am going for a run today. BTW, I signed up for my first race on 3/14. That was something I never thought I'd do, but I am SOOOOO looking forward to it.
Take Care and will be back on line in a while.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU I used Amiltriptiline for a few months when H first went, mostly so I could just stop my brain working and sleep, Im not at my best without sleep so didnt want to make things worse.. You can take a very small dose of it as an anti-anxiety drug to help take the edge off things but not knock you out.. Not sure if you can get it in the states worth googling though and it was easy to come off the 20mg when I needed to I just stopped after a couple of nights I realised I hadnt taken it.. but you dont have to come off it slowly at such small doses!
Good luck with him coming back, my H came back because he wanted too but at the same time couldnt afford not too and that is enough of a struggle not really knowing if its me or the money, especially as he wants to be with me but not where we live..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
