Getting Ready For Divorce

[crushed_v95]

Hi Talia:

In the first week of January, right after the holidays, my wife told me she was dating other men, wasn't sorry, and she wanted a divorce.

I was frantic. I begged, I pleaded, she laughed.

In the second week of January, my wife gave me the "I'm not in love with you any longer" speech, and told me that no matter what I did she would never want anything to do with me again.

What are your goals? What do you want from this? What does DB mean for you? How are you GAL?

In the first week of February I found, quite by accident, a copy of Divorce Remedy in the public library. I read it about ten times. I actually encouraged wife to read it, but she just laughed and told me not to bother, that I disgust her and that she never wants to see me again.

Since then I've started resurrecting a lot of old social contacts. I've spoken to my old boss. I'm in the process of getting a new job and I'm registered for university spring quarter (another thing wife goes ballistic about even still -- she doesn't want me to get educated). Despite being an atheist and unbeliever, I've begun attending an Episcopal church and appreciating it for what I need (a bit of peace and time to think).

That's been my GAL

What does DB mean to me?

It means getting my old life back, which I gave up 15 years ago for this woman, and showing my two teenage kids a more stable, secure and peaceful way to live, free of squabbling, infidelity, drinking and gambling.

While I don't think anyone - ANYONE - disagrees with your plans. I know the running advice is not to leave your home... I would suggest if you do ... take your children with you. Did you adopt your oldest daughter? IF you leave - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS with that crazy woman...

I know it would be easy for me to paint my wife as the devil incarnate. Everything I've written here is accurate, but it's one sided.

She is not a terrible mother. She's not the best example of motherhood but she does try to tone things down around the kids. Our biggest blowup was about her bringing things home (I found a condom last winter that I discarded and didn't confront her about, then I found alcohol, then there was lingerie, and a cigarette lighter, and other stuff). I don't like my kids to see this stuff in the house.

I guess it was Monday morning (my birthday) at about 2 AM she woke up and began going through all the closets and drawers in the master bedroom, which has been "her" room exclusively for over a year. It took hours of banging around, quiet trips to the car, etc. I think she has removed all the "evidence" of her wild weekends at this point, but don't care enough to snoop around and check.

That day, my birthday, she worked and I went out with friends. I didn't get anything from her, naturally, and at that point I gave myself permission to leave her.

If she wants to GAL with me, following my example, it'd be great. I love her. I don't want her out drinking and carousing on weekends. I feel at this point that I've done my part though, and it's time for me to act unilaterally and set a better example for the next generation.

There's a part of DR that talks about forgiving oneself when s/he has no more energy to give to the relationship. This is where I'm at now. That doesn't mean I absolutely insist on a divorce.

How I would love it to have her tell me "I'm sorry, let's go to counseling and I will try to settle down," but as the saying goes, I have no expectations at this point. Right now I'm in crisis mode, wanting to preserve my kids' sense of psychological stability and work for their future. That's my only priority.

In answer to the question: I filled out a paternity affadavit after D15 was born, but before I married her mother. I met my wife when she was already pregnant from a one-night stand. I was there for the baby's birth. I have no regrets.

That's another thing that sent me over the edge. During a fight wife said "she's not even yours" with a smile.

Yeah, she is, b!tch...