me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Is there a chance he was expecting his friend to talk to you and pass that message on?
VERY OFTEN spouses do these sorts of things to take a measurement of your commitment to them.. they tell you they don't love you anymore in the hopes of prompting a positive response to reassure themselves...
HIS friend should be speaking up for you, telling him you still want to save your marriage but that he has to stop cheating... But ya I guess if its his friend the guy is gonna turn his head... a lot of my wife's "friends" just smiled and turned their head away when I tried to talk to them about her affair...
Your husband's words to his friend sounded more like a cry for help than a commitment to divorce... He just sounded sad and was prompting for something positive... at least that's what it sounded like to me...
I would have sat the fella down adn gave him a stern talk about what it means to be a husband and a father, and how proud he should be... and how committed... marriage isn't easy... he needs to learn there is hope and a marriage waiting for him... I think you have made that clear to him though...
Give it time, I suspect he will be attempting contact again soon... at that time, have your friend send him the standard position as before :
She wants her marriage, she wants her family, but she will NOT accept you contacting that OW at any time. Once you have made a commitment and promise to your wife to END CONTACT with this woman then your wife would very much like to see you again...
Something like that... consistently and repetitively sent his way...
The more people you expose the affair to that can send him the message above the better...
Ideally we would want a couple dozen friends and family pressing him to END the affair and telling him the note above... That he CAN save his marriage... He NEEDS to hear that... its a shame his friend isn't properly educated about these things or he could have been more help.
Hi Allen A. You might remember responding to my earlier posts about exposing my wifes affair. And no I have not done it yet. I have been trying to understand why I am so afraid to tell the OP's wife. Some info you have posted both from Dr.Phil and most helpful,"From Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. � 2003 published by Free Press pp. 77-79)" I have reached the point where I almost whish at times she would just leave. My willingness to forgive has greatly diminished. I do know that seeing two seperate IC's who were adament about not exposing the affair has had me second guessing my gut reaction.....I also have read some of your posts on unqualified IC's. Thanks again
Good weekend with no drama. Last night H asked me to set him up an appt for IC. He told me he has so much anger that he can't see any of our past happy times. And when he trys too, instead he can only see the bad times. He said he is confused and lost and feels whatever decision he makes, D or M, he will regret it.
The only reason I agreed to do this for him, is because I have the insurance and have access during the day to make this appt for him and he doesn't.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The feelings he's having are wayward spouse classics. He likely is experiencing stress and anxiety from the affair as well...
Most men and women I have talked to who had affairs have pointed out to me how stressed out they were most of the time, I am not at all surprised by your Husband's claims. He is very likley teling the truth.
The thing is, he needs to realize what he's feeling NOW is not an indicator of what he will be feeling like a year from now if he puts the work in. He has the idea that because he feels stressed out and miserable now and can't see anything else, that this is the way things MUST be. He thinks the future is limited to the scope of his stressed out imagination.
He needs to learn there is more to the world and his fate than how HE FEELS at this very moment.
No drama weekend is good, safety zones offter that one prize benefit.
When my wife was having her affair she told me she was really stressed out trying to make a decision. The sad thing is, the decision is very simple - you can't make one under current conditions :
From Dr Phil : It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
Good news though! He is recognizing he can't do this on his own.
My advice at this point is to get a FAMILY THERAPIST who has READ GLASS and who will support YOU on securing a No Contact agreement.
The first step for the counselor is to :
1. Offer your Husband Hope 2. Help your Husband understand how his current situation is clouding his judgement 3. Help your husband understand that affairs are not love stories and they almost never end well if pursued 4. Invite your Husband to a No Contact with OW arrangement in order to explore the possibility of reconcilliation.
The FT MUST do these items IN this ORDER... if the skip any he will very likely BAIL on the counselling... HOPE should take one or maybe two sessions... It may take five or so before your H agrees to NC.
But this IS good news, he's willing to talk to someone. You COULD even suggest he watch the Guerilla Divorce Busting video I sent you.. I HOPE YOU WATCHED it... If THAT does not inspire HIM, I don't know what will...
Watch the video, let us know if you think your Husband would benefit from it.
Make sure you got to a family therapist, not some quack psycho therapist who can't even spell infidelity!
The best way to find out if a FT is expeienced with infidelity is to ASK them for the names of some good authors on infidelity.. ON THE SPOT.. if they can't name GLASS inside of a few seconds... DUMP THEM.
FT will TRY to help you and offer to do so even if they CAN'T, so be VERY CAREFUL... this is your marriage and is not to be tampered with by someone who doesn't know how to repair these sorts of problems...
You wouldn't take your car to a plumber for an oil change, don't take your marriage to a quack for a reconcilliation.
Allen, Thank you for all this advice. I totally forgot about that video link you sent me. I will watch it on Wed night. I've made him an appt for this Thursday. Hopefully it will help him sort through his issues.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, I really hope your therapist understands infidelity! Itis crucial! no exaggeration. If not, it would be like seeing an ear, nose and throat doctor for lymphoma....could make the situation worse by not treating the source.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
