Is this piecing?

[Lost Rabbit]

Wow when I read your first post I felt down for you and then the last post well Im bananaring round the lounge!

What a break through, feel you dropped the rope on believing your marriage could turn around, and accepted that it might not be what you wanted and the neediness legged it out the window and H felt that!

Its hard to admit we are scary but I reckon Im in the same boat as you! When mad, scared or needy Im down right demonic lol, well not any more. Believe me its killing me to stay calm with the danger of my house being taken out from under my feet hanging over my head, but Ive have now proved to myself it can be done.

Some big baby steps there today hun, just keep your expectations low for the time being, H has jumped right out of his comfort zone and by tomorrow will have scared himself sh*tless and back off. I am so pleased for you, I could feel your despair that H wasnt ever gonna bring anything useful to the table and Im so pleased he finally stumped up! (())))

[flowmom]

He listened and later....HE SHOWED UP WITH BELATED VALENTINE CANDY BOXES FOR BOTH OF US! I kept reminding me of FM's goal - H will give apology or show remorse after being mean. I think I got a variation He later said he felt bad about how he had handled the morning. That was progress for him to admit that.

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO! progress! I hope that this encourages you to work with the goals...I actually think that the goals are a genius part of DBing. Instead of looking for the next hurt from our Hs, we can look for the next meeting of the goal, and of course that shifts our energy when we are with them...when we allow ourselves to believe that their behaviour can improve.

I suggested that goal because when we are trying to change negative behaviours, the change usually happens like this:

1. realize we did behaviour after, and still do behaviour

2. realize we are doing behaviour during, and still do behaviour

3. realize we are going to do behaviour beforehand, but still do behaviour

4. occasionally prevent doing behaviour

5. consistently do behaviour less often

So when we want someone to change, we have to realize that even if the person is trying really hard to stop a behaviour, stopping the behaviour is the last step on the progression.

Later it came out he's been wanting to "bring things up" (big R problems that we need to look at) that he's been scared to bring up. He sheepishly admitted he's scared of me blowing up. He even admitted that legal sep is red herring to avoid opening up. He also admitted that even with D papers in hand, that is just an excuse to not open up. It still can't protect one emotionally.

I sat there stunned and said, "YOU are scared of ME? I see myself as the one scared of YOU" I realized all this anger, the moving out, the legal papers, all a defense against fear. He said, "Pathetic, huh?" I saw the vulnerable kitten under that raging bull. I said "no way. I'm just as pathetic then."

He admitted, "As much as I resist these late night talks, I'm glad to have come to this realization. Even if it did take me a year. Now I just have to do it."

H4L, what a huge breakthrough!!!! And such a good example of how we magnify the power of others to hurt us (both for you and your H).

Now would be a really good time to GAL. It will give him some space to retreat a bit, and help you be strong if there's any backlash.

[rr22]

Congratulations on the melting of the ice. I sent you a message on the alt. about the Fear Factor.

[Butterfly1]

thanks gals, I'm feeling so relieved. Not exactly good news but honest and vulnerable and I know where we stand now. I'm much more relaxed about giving him space right now, less threatened.

rr22 - I will read your alt message and respond soon. THank you so much for the support.

[Butterfly1]

Its a whole new perspective to understand his aggression as fear based. Doesn't excuse the behavior, but calms the panic in me. all this stuff of me being scared he's hiding some big secret - the wild lifestyle comment, the reluctance to tell me where he's going on weekends, fearing an oW - it's all just out of his own fear of communicating and being vulnerable. Not an OW. I feel calmer and ok with independence. I don't take his rejection as personally. HOwever, I'm still going to be prepared with my answers to his nastiness. Just because I see where it's coming from doesn't mean I intend to take it.

[Freckle6]

Yay, yay, yay! That reminded me of a Dr. Phil-ism (shhhhh, I used to watch him when I was pregnant, but haven't in years!) that anger isn't a real feeling, it's is an outward expression of frustration, fear or hurt.

[Butterfly1]

Wow, Freckle, that makes perfect sense. Now if I can remember that when he is screaming lol "Sorry you're feeling so hurt, hon."

[Freckle6]

Yeah, in the moment it's kind of hard to run the psycho babble through your head. But it does make sense. It's easier to show anger. If one was to admit exactly what they're angry about (if they even really know), it puts them in a very vulnerable place. Like how your conversation evolved into him telling how he's really been feeling and what the anger has been covering up.

You wanna make him angrier when he's acting like a bear? Tell him your new understanding is from Dr. Phil! LOL

[Butterfly1]

If one was to admit exactly what they're angry about (if they even really know), it puts them in a very vulnerable place. Like how your conversation evolved into him telling how he's really been feeling and what the anger has been covering up.

This makes so much sense! Under the anger is vulnerable feelings. It's progress to touch these levels!

[Butterfly1]

Of course now a new wave of emotions are surfacing inside me. I go from extreme sadness at H's pain, to total anger at his cowardice.