flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

I really don't understand the male friends as allies goal you have posted before. You have shared your fantasy about the man in the jazz club, you have spoke in a tone of admiration about your "alpha male" C and now you seek males as allies. I guess what I am trying to say (in a rather garbled fashion) is it feels to me as if you crave a strong man in your life that somehow will "help" with your marriage. I am not saying it is the wrong approach it just seems very odd.

I can see how it would seem strange. I guess there is a lot of context missing for readers to understand my comments.

I guess some of it is not having a father since the age of 3. It sounds dumb, but that's a base of security that most women take for granted (even if the R isn't perfect) that I don't have.

Also, since becoming a mother I live in a woman's world. My "job" as a SAHM is of zero interest to men. Because of our special needs child, I've had less opportunity to GAL than most mothers...I've given up a lot. I have trouble relating to men, not as individuals, but as a gender. Their attitudes/priorities feel alien to me right now...I never used to feel that way. The people that I have things in common with now are all women. I don't feel that's healthy for me as a person.

I've never crossed a line (physical or emotional) in the 15 years of being in a committed monogamous R with H. I know where the line is and I think I even knew when I crossed it in my last R.

But pre-mothering and while I was in a R with H, I used to have wonderful and totally appropriate shared experiences with men, mostly through my work. I was part of teams of men and women and we had great experiences together, that weren't about sex or self-disclosure. A lot of my peak experiences were being dropped off by helicopter in totally remote and beautiful wilderness areas with a colleague, often male. We shared all sorts of experiences, including breaking through the shaky ground of a wetland, being tracked by aggressive bears, getting lost, etc. And it always ended up with beers at the pub at the end of the day. Sometimes I'd be alone on a trip with one other guy, or sharing a home with colleagues for months on end and hot-tubbing with them every night. These trips were really bonding experiences and I had great connections with the men and women who I worked with. Totally platonic with not the slightest sniff of inappropriate self-disclosure on anyone's part. I could be "part of the gang" in a sitch where my role was not defined by my gender (as now: wife, mother).

Am I making any sense?