I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[MrBond]

There's a difference between pursuing and just getting what's yours. And the fact that she left without telling you so you can't even get your mail is just RUDE.

[Vulcanized]

Speaking of that, couldn't she see my moving back in as pursuing her? When I do move back in, and let's say she actually lives there for more than 15 mins after I'm back, am I then supposed to detach from her?

Well Quart, I'm in your same sitch, 'cept I'm a woman. This is what I did, which worked, and continues to work for me.

I told H point blank that me not living in my house [the one where I put up 70% of the down payment] was no longer a viable option for me. H. became very very balky when having this convo. H. wanted to know if I was throwing him out, etc. Calmly said 'no, but if you are unhappy here, you are free to move out'. That was 2 months ago.

H. has acted like a complete and total $hit since I've been back. We had one COLOSSAL meltdown fight, in which I was afraid that H was going to hit me, which didn't happen. I decided at that point, to move out. It's a very long series of events/reasons why I decided to move, which I won't bore you with.

But since I have been back in MY HOME, with MY PETS, sleeping in MY BED, I have managed to disengage / detach from H & H's A.

This is what I've done:

Gone to gym
Visit w/friends
Read
Leave room w/H enters it
Not initiate contact/conversations/look at H
Make H aware that due to his actions and his choices that I am no longer his W

This last one is very, very important. H has decided that he wants to leave our M, sell our house, deprive each of us of half of our pets for fantasy land w/OW. So I try to drive that point home to him EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY. In front of H, I am happy, calm, playful w/pets, chatty w/friends on phone & in person. W/H, I am quiet, avoiding being in the same room w/him, refusing to look at him, only responding when he speaks first, walking away from him when he enters same room. I didn't come home 2 Friday nights in a row. H is now snooping on me b/c he may be wondering if I now have a side piece. I don't, but I am encouraging him to think that.

Mentally, I have absolutely no choice but to detach / create space / walk away. I love H more than anything else in the world. But I love me even more. I think that once you realize that, you just automatically start the process.

Hope that helps.

[Quart9]

[quote=Quart9]
I told H point blank that me not living in my house [the one where I put up 70% of the down payment] was no longer a viable option for me. H.

Unfortunately, my W is the bread winner and I've never actually paid any of the rent for our apt.

I saw a L today and was warned that moving back in unwelcomed might result in my receipt of a restraining order. I have been going back and forth with this all this evening. I have not talked to my W in a week. I used to be pretty much be able to predict her - her moods, what she was thinking, even what she wanted for dinner, but the person I knew did get off of the cruise boat in Nov '09. She is especially unpredictable now after not living with her for almost two months and her being punch drunk with her pseudo-singularity and OM doesn't help much either.

[quote=Quart9]
H. has acted like a complete and total $hit since I've been back. We had one COLOSSAL meltdown fight, in which I was afraid that H was going to hit me, which didn't happen. I decided at that point, to move out. It's a very long series of events/reasons why I decided to move, which I won't bore you with.

If I were you I would have got the hell outta there too if you were afraid he was gonna hit you - no matter what else happened. No woman should put up with that.

[quote=Quart9]
This last one is very, very important. H has decided that he wants to leave our M, sell our house, deprive each of us of half of our pets for fantasy land w/OW. So I try to drive that point home to him EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY. In front of H, I am happy, calm, playful w/pets, chatty w/friends on phone & in person. W/H, I am quiet, avoiding being in the same room w/him, refusing to look at him, only responding when he speaks first, walking away from him when he enters same room. I didn't come home 2 Friday nights in a row. H is now snooping on me b/c he may be wondering if I now have a side piece. I don't, but I am encouraging him to think that.

Mentally, I have absolutely no choice but to detach / create space / walk away. I love H more than anything else in the world. But I love me even more. I think that once you realize that, you just automatically start the process.

I would like the opportunity to do these things you have suggested (I'm pretty sure I would not be sleeping in the same bed with her though -haha), and I may get that opportunity. It sounds like you have taken a great approach and made an awesome stand. I am interested in seeing how it works out between you two (and I'll pray for you that it does).

Thank you for your reply Ruined - and it doesn't sound like you are ruined at all?!

[sandi2]

People have to do what works in their stitch. What was said to Song on his thread may or may not apply to another poster.

It makes it very hard to move back home once the man has left, but it is the right thing to do for many....especially if there are children. However, your stitch seems to be changing somewhat to your first few posts.

I thought you were saying how flirty she had been since you moved out. In fact, she was spending nights at your place and invited you to hers (for the night). That was why I said that she apparently liked pretending you weren't M.

Now, she has suddenly left without notice to you. Well she considers herself S from you and owes you no update on her activites. That was why she wanted her "space" to begin with. She feels like a single lady and is acting like one.

The more I read your thread, the less I see any positive action of moving back. This is why I say that.......you were advised to do that for your own self-respect, right? But what I am reading from you is how you want to march in there and hit her with boundaries about OM and start acting like the king of the castle. If you had acted more like that "before" you left, it might be different, but as I told you before....if you go back uninvited and come off as Mr. Tough Guy now, she will react like a demon from hell. You are not to be afraid of her anger, and that is not what I'm saying. I am asking you if this is what it would take for you to regain your self-respect and would it be worth starting from ground zero....b/c that is what will take palce. She will not be attracted to you b/c she will resent you barging back in, so that will take time to get past that. You will spend valuable time with her fighting you tooh & nail and having so much anger toward you for "invading" her privacy (as she will think of it) and she will actually feel that you have no right to give any boundary. She will not think you have rights at all.

I personally think you should listen to your lawyer. Would it be worth S support and RO just to be able to go back into the home and verbally bash it out with her? That is just the picture I am getting from your emotions right now.

Remember the bottom line here is your self-respect. Can you regain that by moving forward and GAL without her?

[Gnosis]

Quart, in this case I'd listen to your lawyer. Lawyering up is one of the first things I did in my sitch -- and it's the best thing I did. Finding out where I stood legally is what helped me formulate my long-term plan and strategy.

With your W's current emotional state, her obsession with OM and pursuing her fantasy and her threats -- taking out a RO against you would be highly likely. Once she lawyers-up herself and finds out that it would save her paying you support the odds are pretty high that she will do it.

Q, I'd like you to face a little reality here. The success rate of turning a WAW around is MUCH lower than that of turning a WAH around. With that in mind I'd go with what your L suggested and file first for a few reasons:

(1) to prevent the damage of an RO being filed
(2) to ensure the payment of support so that you can complete your studies
(3) she is holding D as an axe to your head - filing first removes the power she holds over you.

Something to bear in mind is that filing does not mean the end of the marriage. Another benefit to doing it is the psychological boost you get by taking back some control.

One more thing: YOU DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT.... DON'T SAY A WORD TO HER, JUST DO IT... and have her served. Sure she will be mad and spitting venom for the first few days. And that's good because her mind will be on you and "HOW DARE HE!" instead of on the OM and how wonderful he is.

During this time you go NO CONTACT and completely dark. Switch off your phones. Ignore all emails. Ignore all texts. Let her obsess over you for a change.

[Quart9]

Thank you Sandi2 for your reply. Unfortunately, she has never really been flirty with me during this S and we haven't taken turns spending the night at each others place since I've moved out.

I made a mistake (I think) in thinking that marching back and hitting her with boundaries was protocol. Yes, I should have been more strict before I left and it does seem like it is too late for that now. I see what you are saying about having to start from ground zero if I tried to go back and do that now, plus I have always thought in the back of my mind that she would resent me rather than respect me for going back in unwelcomed.

It seems like I would be better served GAL and moving forward without her. She has told me before this is what she wants. It is hard for me to overcome the thought of doing this as it seems that this would lead to there being no chance at reconciliation between us - especially if I filed first.

[Quart9]

Thank you Gnosis for your reply. The L tried to get me to start the process yesterday. Mr. Bond also mentioned yesterday that she could hit me with a RO anyhow to prevent from paying me spousal support. Your three points make sense.

But how does filing first not mean the end of the marriage? It seems any chance at reconciliation would def be lost at that point. If she has been saying she wants a D aren't I just handing it to her on a silver platter (maybe even leaving her with a clear conscience since she was not the initiator?).

Yeah, I definitely would not tell her that I was going to do it before I did it. Should I talk to her once more though to see if there is any chance between us before I set the wheels in motion? Once she is served I go dark? For how long?

[Quart9]

Ha- I feel like I have gone from "busting" the divorce to "boosting" the divorce.

[Gnosis]

But how does filing first not mean the end of the marriage? It seems any chance at reconciliation would def be lost at that point.

Who says you have to rush things after filing? The filing is for your protection... it doesn't mean the end of the marriage.... which by the way is already dead. i.e. The marriage you knew and the W you knew NO LONGER EXIST. The sooner you let that fact register in your head the better. This does NOT mean however that that two of your will never reconcile and start a new relationship. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE.

You may even come to realize (as have many others) after the reconciliation that you have grown too much from the experience. The discovery that your W is not someone that you want in your life any longer does come as a shock.

If she has been saying she wants a D aren't I just handing it to her on a silver platter (maybe even leaving her with a clear conscience since she was not the initiator?).

See above. So far she has been throwing the threat of D in your face to keep you at bay. She knows that she wants to explore opportunities with OM while you hang around on the sidelines as option B. There may be other reasons for keeping you hanging on... In YOUR CASE (as in mine) it is to your own benefit to file first.

Should I talk to her once more though to see if there is any chance between us before I set the wheels in motion? Once she is served I go dark? For how long?

I don't know how much "talking" you've already done with her... how many times you've gotten on your knees and begged for her back... I don't know, but you do. So look at what the effect has been of all the "talking" so far... and make your own decision there.

As for going dark after she is served... let's see how much she blows up your cellphone with messages of outrage and revenge. Do yourself a favor and don't listen to any of them for at least 48 hours and IGNORE the content. She will threaten you and promise to personally escort you to hell... you ignore and don't take it personally at the time.

So... for how long... initially 48 hours. Then evaluate from there. Realistically, I'd say you're looking at at least four weeks. During those 4 weeks you're going to GAL like crazy. Go out and enjoy life and all the opportunities it presents. You're going to be BUSY, BUSY... so BUSY you won't have time to think about her.

[Gnosis]

Ha- I feel like I have gone from "busting" the divorce to "boosting" the divorce.

Nope. Not at all. GAL, 180's and detaching are all part of DB'ing.