I have to confess, I rather wondered about the goal of having male "friends and allies." What would these allies be allying themselves with/against?
While my H was having his EA, he used the old brainwashing line that they were "just friends." When I tried to point out ways in which it was NOT a simple friendship, he snarked angrily, "So you're saying I can never talk to another woman again!!"
I did considerable research into the question of appropriate friendships between married people and opposite-sex friends. Most experts agreed that while they could enrich a person's life, such relationships required firm boundaries. Most importantly, they should *never* involve close emotional sharing. Because men become protective when a woman reveals her vulnerability to them, and women feel close to someone they've confided in, being-in-love feelings easily arise. These make it difficult for the married person to continue to have an intimate relationship with his/her spouse. Therefore, the consensus was, yes, have the opposite-sex friend with whom you share a mutual interest, but keep your personal conversations either for your spouse, or for your same-sex friends. Often, when people are desperate to find opposite-sex confidants, it's a sign that they have problems with same-sex friendships.
Months after ending his EA, my H came to me and said that he finally understood why his primary emotional relationship needed to be with me, and finally saw what boundaries he had to put in place with all the women in his workplace (of whom the EA had been one) to prevent another inappropriate relationship from being kindled.
You seem a very focused, introspective person, and I'm not saying your goal of having male friends (and allies?) is wrong, but have you fully assessed why this is so important to you, and what you hope to get out of it? Also, given that you've been in the situation of having a male friendship end a loving relationship, have you thought about what boundaries you'd set in these new relationships?
