I think Coach has described it well, it is ICU for a marriage. The difference is the difference that BobbiJo talked about, the question of salvageability of the marriage. Where spouses are willing to forgive, there can be reconciliation. Where spouses can't forgive, the prognosis is not good. What's important is not the laundry list of complaints and faults. What is important is the willingness to leave it behind.
My husband's complaints about me did not include me being off in dreamland. He had specific things that he was angry about, and had been angry about for 25 years. And the things that I was angry about were more important to me than his affair, too. We forgave and let it go. As my friend points out, that is why we are a "model couple" because many people either couldn't or wouldn't do that. But that is what it takes.
