Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

My IC said that I had to decide if I am afraid of losing my W, or losing the idea of being M to her - which one is it for you? In some areas, you seem like you really love her and don't want to lose her. That you want to have her change her mind. In others, you've written off any hope and seem quite angry with her. The anger that I read in your posts (not know) seems very deep, the kind I'd have problems hiding.

I've been struggling with the first question ever since I moved out. Am I truly in love with W or just addicted to being in the relationship? I don't know if I've totally figured that out. The money thing is a major issue for me right now. Like you said, it's bothering me that they have a "home" with W and not with me.

If I had certainty that I'd be OK for the next 10 years -- in a nice place that is comfortable for the girls -- then would I be so desperate not to lose her?

A little part of me is curious to see if there is something better for me out there. Even at our happiest, I admit it wasn't perfect because we are so different.

But I still feel I am "the one" for her. That together we are better than apart. I really am co dependent. Her happiness meant/means everything to me. I sacrificed my career and our financial future to lift her out of funks or help her advance her career. To me, we were a team.

You asked if I have the strength to throw myself out there again. Right now, no. I feel so beaten down right now. I feel as if I'm a piece of paper she is crumbling up and throwing away.

I am a hopeless romantic and it was last March where I did throw myself out there and admit a lot of my faults and that I didn't love her unconditionally and for three weeks things were back to normal. She even told our daughter's counselor that things were good between us.

I fell in love all over again.

Then the weirdest thing closed the door. My D10 was crying about school and I asked her what was really wrong, this was normal kid stuff. She said she was really upset about W and I. And I told her that we'd had a long talk and I think things were OK.

That night, when W got home, D10 went running up to her and hugged her and said she was so happy that we weren't getting divorced.

The look of anger on her face was deep. She told me later that if the M fails it's now her fault.

And the D train started to rumble again.

I think of that and wonder if I can't do it again, if I can't break through the wall one more time.

But then I also remember the wall came down for three weeks and then went up again, stronger and higher than before.

W has some deep issues she needs to deal with as well -- I don't know if she'll ever face them if we are M -- she seems so sure that I'm the ultimate source of her unhappiness. She's always felt like she wasn't good enough -- didn't have enough education, didn't like to stay active, didn't like to socialize much -- and that's beaten down her already shaky self esteem.

I've thought a lot about things. I can't stop. People tell me that will change. I can't imagine that.