It might not be the action that others might expect to see, but if it is enough to convince your mind and heart, you're probably doing the right thing to give your M a fighting, not waiting, chance.
I felt great doing the monologue with my W. Telling her what I had been feeling, getting out some old pins and needles from the past. I didn't get a chance to hear her side of things, and I didn't want to - I was afraid it might lead into a fight or a comparison of who was hurt more or some junk like that. Still, I know that she needs that too.
In your long conversation, did you talk about your feelings and thoughts? Was there anything you said that was of the 'old' W or was it the more assertive and goal directed W of today?
I hope you don't fall asleep during the day! You *might* have a busy night, too.
TTA, No expectations. I think you are right that he SEEMS to be trying. I think there CAN be hope in that. Here's my debbie downer.... its barely been 6 weeks. Anyone can do anything for that amount of time. He is moving in the right direction with some of his actions - but don't read into them. He may determine through these actions that the marriage isn't right for him - please prepare yourself for this. You DON'T KNOW what will happen on his journey. I think you know this... I'm not sure you believe it yet... but knowing is the first step.
Just make sure you stay stand-offish in this. I'm not saying to totally ignore him... but protect your PMA. Just be happy to be you, living your life, growing into a wonderful you.
His actions MAY BE signs of good things to come, but there hasn't been enough time for you to know that yet. Taking them as anything but what they are would be a huge leap right now - despite some of the comments to the contrary. You CANNOT know what his actions mean yet and so you need to only think about you. If he REALLY wants to restore your M - he will work hard to do so no matter what is going on with you. Be civil, be kind, but be cautious. It will garner you respect.
(((TTA)))
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
TTA, No expectations. I think you are right that he SEEMS to be trying. I think there CAN be hope in that. Here's my debbie downer.... its barely been 6 weeks. Anyone can do anything for that amount of time.
I'd stay warm, but strong. For him, if he's like me this way, doing something for a few weeks is a lot harder than it is for others unless it is really rewarding.
That is where Talia reminds well that caution needs to be. When you are extremely stimulating, but you know that kind of natural reward can't be maintained, then know that he might respond in ways that are his "freight train" style - full steam ahead!
At the same time, who wants to be friends with a wall? Does any man think, "I want that - she's cold, calculated, independent and will never need me?"
TTA, Talia is right. You're setting yourself up for a huge crash if you start believing everything H says or does right now is meaningful. Have hope but continue to work on detachment. It sounds like you are happy when he calls and unhappy when he doesn't call. This is NOT good. No matter what happens you need to learn how to create your own happiness and not rely on someone else for that.
Moving to your own place, your service trip--these are good things to focus on. Keep your focus on yourself.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
thanks to all of you for the advice and thoughts. i am definitely working on making my own happiness. of course i'm happy when he calls, but when he doesn't i'm sad momentarily. i just miss his voice. i don't linger in the unhappiness of him not calling. doing the things that do make me happy, like my service trip, taking yoga, spending time with my girlfriends, those have all felt very good in the last month, so that's what i'm keeping my focus on. but i am also focused on DB-ing. obviously that means focusing on myself, but i'm also watching for signals to gauge what's working and what's not. if he's calling, i'm counting that as baby steps. if's he is telling me he loves me, i'm not necessarily setting myself up for dissappointment, but i'm using that as a sign that i'm doing the right things.
he did ask me to dinner tonight so we'll see how that goes. i'm not getting ahead of myself and i do know that he may indeed find that our M is not what he wants. i also know that while i'd be very sad about that, that i would ultimately be fine. HE is reaching out to ME, he is calling, he is emailing, asking me to dinner...i see all of these things as signs that he wants to continue contact with me and for me, now would not be a good time to shut him out. i'm not throwing my arms open by any means. but the whole point of doing all these things i'm doing is to get him to walk to talk about things, which is what he's doing or working on doing. i'm working on being the best me i can be, and i like where it's been taking me.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
OTMT, you obviously do not understand detachment. It's not about physically or emotionally leaving or being absent. It's about not depending on anyone else for your happiness, not being co-dependent. It's about taking responsibility for your own emotional well being and allowing others to take responsiblity for theirs. Perhaps you should also do some reading on the topic. Because on page 139 of DR in the list of Mandatory Do's When Divorce Busting, number 8 is "Read as much as you can on this subject."
Pearl, "obviously you do not" is not the kind of langauge that gets most men thinking to listen. BTW, as an ADHD adult, I've been learning to accept that my minds comes up with some creative but different looks at the same problem. That doesn't mean I didn't read something.
Now the article, much more useful. I'll read it, but not because #8 says so, but because I figure reading can't usually hurt.
Having read now my 9th book in 4 months, going on to the 10th, I don't call myself an expert. We are on a blog and we're here because we've screwed up or been screwed, but usually a little of both. That doesn't mean the 40th book I might read will make me any more of an expert, or you.
Sorry for the harshness, but this is now the 2nd hit you've given me.
The Last-Resort Technique, Step 3--Wait and Watch, pp 129-130
The second possible resonse from your mate is that s/he becomes curious. S/he might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend soome time together to talk or do something enjoyable. It's also possible that your souse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here's my advice:
Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
Do not ask any questions about your future together.
Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.
Continue to be upbeat.
Do not say, "I love you."
Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partner's new interest, but not too responsive. If you go overboard, your partner will get cold feet. I've seen it happen many times before. If you are excited that the last-resort technique is working, share it with a friend, write it in your Solution Journal, go for a run around the block, but don't wear your emotions on your sleeve.
You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you're met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can. Resume your interested but distant stance until things move in a more positive direction. This might take a whole lot longer than you would like, weeks, even many months. However, you must be patient. As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it's okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern. It will try your patience, but what else do you have to do right now that could be as important as trying to save your marriage? Be patient.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
