Thanks flowmom. I've gotten some rough comments, but I'm still here because I've found things that have worked so far.

Thanks for the book idea - I just finished it last Sun. The author talked about grieving...I'm trying to...not yet there.

Love meter - just a joke. Another poster said that love is a choice AFTER infatuation. I never got the infatuation - just jumped into caring for her. We tried a couple dates, I did a '2nd wedding' to try to get something going...

I don't want her submitting to something she doesn't like. If she had other options, that would be a turn-on! Usually, if she cares, it needs to be 100% her way. If she doesn't (most things) she doesn't give much for feedback, planning, invovlement. For example, I suggested we buy a house last year (we're in a duplex). She agreed, but didn't want to look at new houses with me. She would make absoulte statements, but not look for common ground. Finally, I found new area she accepted, got plans and everything done (it was like pulling teeth to get any feedback from her), and then a week after the deposit, she said she never wants to live in that area.

Yes, I control. I control because she leaves me no choice. If I didn't, she wouldn't have gone to see her father's grave overseas after he died, she never would've gone to English classes (people now compliment her on it), she never would have done her surgery, etc. I don't mean encourage, she wouldn't do them. Weird, is that not? So I have to choose between that, and contolling.

I brought it up to my IC last time, to which she said that I presented the need to compromise more, not so much control. The control thing for me is an issue most when I feel that she is controlling me, and won't budge or listen to reason. For example, she wouldn't take the kids to dentist appts that she made, because she felt that it was my job to do it. So even though I'm working and can't take time off under my work contract for this, the homemaker who is at home won't take them because she couldn't drive there.

I'm starting an anger-managment thing next month so I can work on not reacting to her, but responding. Hoping I'm not just playing victim, I think I've been emotionally battered by her over the years. She has from me, too. If I didn't control her into counselling, there is no way I could've lived with her emotional unstability, never mind love her.

Has it worked? Well, for once, I'm starting to feel something...but as TryTryAgain worried, I might be just feeling fine for today, but then be giving up later on. I have to be sure it isn't fear. 5 kids of child support for a non-working immigrant wife is very expensive. What's worse, is that my salary is low enough that we'd both be in pretty high stress. She also very badly wants our kids in my school (private, religious) and while I get a discount, it could never be afforded after a D.

If he did read it, it might explain why he's where he is. AFTER reading all the other books, that one helped me with accept that I could be happy in life, without being satisfied with my W. A great message for a man with many kids, or who is very attached to them. Also great for those who want money more than a warm, loving home for both spouses and family. If I were Catholic, I'd have to go fully into it because D isn't an option. To some degree, I partly match those ideals, so it was only partly helpful (and very interesting).