Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Back from a weekend of skiing. Everyone had a great time. As far as my sitch with W, I really think a couple of bricks came down from the wall. Waiting on them to be rebuilt, but so far haven't seen it. The wall is still up and strong don't get me wrong.
Things were friendly all weekend, never cold and distant. I decided to try to reward the good behavior and possibly fill the love tanks a little on the first night when W was complaining of headache. I offered to rub her neck/shoulders and fully expected immediate rejection. But no, serious hesitation as I could tell she was considering. And she gave in and she really relaxed, gave me a friendly goodnight and that was first sign of brick coming down.

Next day W suggests we should try to run 1/2 marathon in June. She tells me a little later she's already researched training programs and such. So this weekend she decides to include me...hmmm....

Second night, wine and hot tub get to W and cause massive headache. I had done nothing, no touches, no compliments, etc all day. So I again offer the neck/shoulder massage...reward another day of good behavior. She doesn't hesitate this time and sits down literally dead smack next to me. Couldn't tell you when the last time that happened was. After a bit I suggest it would work better if she was laying down and she lays down with her head in my lap and within 5 minutes falls asleep that way. Another indication that brick came down. When we got in bed, I massaged just a little more and reached over and gave a goodnight hug this time...no resistance, she curled into me/the hug.

About the only negatives to the weekend were when the family was in the hot tub and the girls had their Barbie dolls and I was given one to play with and W comments oh look daddy has a blonde, a new step mom. That one didn't sit well with me but I wasn't going to say something in front of the kids, so I just ignored it and never brought it up again. That and W is still addicted to iphone and fairly protective of it, but I know there are no calls or TMs with any OM because I have access to online records. Would have to be internet chats...or could be nothing.

W only got into a bad mood once over the weekend and it was almost hard to tell...she wasn't being mean to me, just seemed off. I asked her why she was off and she told me about the bad mood, what caused it, and to be honest, within about 30 minutes of talking about it, she had snapped out of it.

I had a very good and relaxing weekend. In a way, made we a bit sad, because the kids had such a great time, I would love to get it all back.

And it really seemed when it came to being a mother, W had no fog. She was being the mother I remember to the girls.

We are talking about possibly doing it all again over the kids spring break for 3 or 4 days...

That's enough for now, will probably have more thoughts later

[Lost Rabbit]

Some good stuff there GW, lots of stuff there to work out what worked and what didnt and do the good stuff again! Really pleased to see she remembered how to be a mum again that is the biggest bonus of the weekend seeing your girls happy with mum again.

I'd say she took few courses of wall down to allow you to massage her and sit near you, and to be relaxed enough to nod off on your lap.. Just watch out for the rebuilding program though!

Its all positive stuff and her allowing you into her bad mood and explaining things show more responsibility for her actions. Its all early days still but you should be pleased with the weekend.

Well done mate!

[rockedworld]

Some really positive signs there GW!
And, most positive of all is the way you are handling things... you are in control of your own emotions and your own choices. Then, no matter what, you will be ok.

[gutwrenching]

Not much to update. Had an unexpected, last minute social gathering at our house last night that we had to throw together at last minute. After eveyone left, W did some work on computer but again did not lock herself away, in fact, used our main desktop computer not her laptop...rare thing.

Doing what works - in the bed, I reached over and provided short back massage after another good day...and W didn't tell me no or to stop and I kept it real short.

Everything friendly, peaceful again. No more bricks down but surprisingly, none regenerated either. Will be minimal contact today as I have function after work that W does not. I will have a slight smile on my face when I remind W that it is swim lesson night. She hasn't taken D8 to swim lesson in a couple of months.

[Lost Rabbit]

Way to go on the "doing what works" front.. its good news she didnt run screaming from your massage, that will come in useful later lol!

Minimal contact today is good it will give her time to miss you, I know its hard keeping the impression going that all is hunky dory in the GW house but tbh it will help in the long run, there wont be too many people knowing whats happening and passing comments and making things uncomfortable, if W is anything like my H she will want to forget some of her WAS behaviour.

Have to say Im giggling at the thought of poor W having to do swimming lessons tonight, been there done that and got the tshirt every saturday morning and thursday night for years its tedious just sat there as often you cant even see what your little cherub is doing!

Keep going chum enjoy this evening you are doing good!

[gutwrenching]

I realized I never did post the V-day experience. I did decide to give W a card. It was a humorous one that didn't have any key words in there (love, wife, beautiful, blah, blah...nothing mushy). left on bed in cabin for W to find when she went to change for hot tub. In tub, she says "thanks for the card" and "I didn't get you anything"...I simply replied I didn't think you would. Not another word was said about it nor about it being valentine's day. W did take card home with her (I would have thrown it away personally) and it is still sitting on her night stand...

[gutwrenching]

Well, not as good of a night, the roller coaster continued and I didn't see it coming.

Day started fine - little contact, nothing initiated by me, at work, all work related stuff. W goes home, I get ready for function and W starts TMing me on her drive home. Not normal, I notice. I get to function and W is TMing a lot at function. I am answering every second or third one after slight delays. She seems real interested in what is going on and how things are going. I of course tell her its great and I'm having a good time. As I'm driving home, another TM asking if the function was over and I was headed back yet...i said yes.

Get home and didn't see the foul mood coming at all. W in real bad mood and I quickly see, it is also being directed at me. So I call her on it, ask why the bad mood and I get an answer that it is because her laptop keeps on dropping its internet connection. She is blaming it on our router which then translates into my fault since I bought the new router a few months ago. I tell her we can change the router back, she needs to talk to me, she doesn't need to be cold, mean, and nasty. Normally calling her out on this snaps her out of it...not so. An hour or so later, I try again. I can tell there is something else. I ask her if she plans on telling me why she is in such bad mood. She says she's fine, and I don't let her get away with that, I ask then why am I getting treated poorly. I have done nothing to deserve to be treated this way. Again. she claims its the internet.

So now I try something different. I give her basically the same attitude and treatment back. That doesn't do anything so I head up to bed, take a sleeping pill, try to go to sleep. No luck, still trying to figure out what is going on.

At about 1 AM W comes into bedroom, I still haven't gone to sleep, so I try one more time. As W if she is going to tell me what is really causing her to be so bi$%thcy. She again talks about the internet and I say that not having an internet connection is no reason to get upset and treat people like crap. She tells me to stop, I ask why, she says I am starting to yell at her. That was not true, but there must have been something in my tone of voice, so I make sure that I am calm and talk to her again. I told her that I don't deserve to be treated the way I was tonight. Her reply was you're right, "no one deserves to be treated that way." Then she finally tells me what is bothering her. It is the e-mail I sent her telling her what our options were for the next ski trip we had talked about and that we needed to decide pretty quick to make reservations. Huh, didn't see that one coming. Didn't understand why that pissed her off, told her so, didn't get a real answer. So I said look we've been getting along well, I didn't expect to come home to this attitude, what is going on.

Her answer was borderline R talk. She says we always get along well as friends (I wouldn't agree with that but didn't say anything), we have converstations about work, the kids, and day-to-day stuff, so us getting along is nothing new. But there are no deep conversations. W says "I don't have deep converstations with anyone." I ask her to define deep converstations and she used words like emotions, future plans, feelings. I say to her that you don't want to have those types of conversations so we stay away from them, correct. W's reply was that she has no connection with me so no she doesn't want to have deep conversations with me. I just let that one hang, no response. I then debate asking one more question and decide to ask it because I want to know. One thing the W had told she was trying to look up on the internet was apartments for a subordinate since she was having to move out of where she is living. I found it very strange that my W would feel she needs to help this person find somewhere to live...this is another grown woman. So I ask are you planning on moving in with this other woman. W surprised by that question. Tells me no, tells me she wouldn't just move out without talking to me about it, and that there is no way she would ever want to move in with this woman. She then asks me if I thought she was lieing about looking at apartments for this other gal. I said no. W asks not even a little. I said no, I dind't think you were lieing, I thought it was strange that you felt it necessary to try to help this person find a place.

This morning, I try to snap out of the funk as soon as I can, hard given only 3.5 hours of sleep. I brought up the ski trip e-mail again, explain that I only sent it because I wasn't going to be home to discuss and wanted to give her time to think about it. She says she is worried about selling our house for our move, and that it isn't ready and she doesn't know if we should be taking trips. I said ok, I understand that, do you want to just take the time off and work on the house. She says no. HUH?!!? Then she asks me what I would like to do. So I tell her that I would like to get away for at least part of spring break, but it doesn't have to be skiing, but that I think the girls would love it again and we have to decide quickly because everything is getting booked quickly.

I then tell her that I will call the realtor today. In hindsight, that might be a mistake. That might be me fixing things. But it is the realm of things I normally handle.

Thoughts? Advice? 2x4s? Encouragement?

[Lost Rabbit]

Well, not as good of a night, the roller coaster continued and I didn't see it coming.Ok dont beat yourself up breathe for a starter

Day started fine - little contact, nothing initiated by me, at work, all work related stuff. W goes home, I get ready for function and W starts TMing me on her drive home. Not normal, I notice. I get to function and W is TMing a lot at function. I am answering every second or third one after slight delays. She seems real interested in what is going on and how things are going. I of course tell her its great and I'm having a good time. As I'm driving home, another TM asking if the function was over and I was headed back yet...i said yes. I'd say spoilt brat alert, H went out to play after a nice weekend with W and left her behind[color:#3366FF][/color]

Get home and didn't see the foul mood coming at all. W in real bad mood and I quickly see, it is also being directed at me. So I call her on it, ask why the bad mood and I get an answer that it is because her laptop keeps on dropping its internet connection. She is blaming it on our router which then translates into my fault since I bought the new router a few months ago. I tell her we can change the router back, she needs to talk to me, she doesn't need to be cold, mean, and nasty. Normally calling her out on this snaps her out of it...not so. An hour or so later, I try again. I can tell there is something else. There was your mistake you called her out that was good, but you kept picking at the spot, next time leave her alone, you stated her behaviour was unacceptable then continued on by nagging at her, enforcing her WAS boundariesI ask her if she plans on telling me why she is in such bad mood. She says she's fine, and I don't let her get away with that, I ask then why am I getting treated poorly. I have done nothing to deserve to be treated this way. Again. she claims its the internet.Right she told you twice and you still didnt listen, back you go into bat again its no wonder she hit you with it mate

So now I try something different. I give her basically the same attitude and treatment back. That doesn't do anything so I head up to bed, take a sleeping pill, try to go to sleep. No luck, still trying to figure out what is going on. DETACH DETACH DETACH Its not your problem its hers, leave her to figure out if she is being ar*sy or has a proper point

At about 1 AM W comes into bedroom, I still haven't gone to sleep, so I try one more time. As W if she is going to tell me what is really causing her to be so bi$%thcy. She again talks about the internet and I say that not having an internet connection is no reason to get upset and treat people like crap. She tells me to stop, I ask why, she says I am starting to yell at her. At this point she has now given you four attempts to back off and youre still going, how would you feel being badgered into a corner and by this time of night you sure as h*ll wouldnt get nothing too polite outta me pre DB lol That was not true, but there must have been something in my tone of voice, so I make sure that I am calm and talk to her again. I told her that I don't deserve to be treated the way I was tonight. Her reply was you're right, "no one deserves to be treated that way." Then she finally tells me what is bothering her. It is the e-mail I sent her telling her what our options were for the next ski trip we had talked about and that we needed to decide pretty quick to make reservations. Huh, didn't see that one coming. Didn't understand why that pissed her off, told her so, didn't get a real answer. So I said look we've been getting along well, I didn't expect to come home to this attitude, what is going on. Ok she is panicking that a pleasant weekend has given you ideas and she is still not sure she doesnt want you but on the other hand isnt sure she does

Her answer was borderline R talk. She says we always get along well as friends (I wouldn't agree with that but didn't say anything), we have converstations about work, the kids, and day-to-day stuff, so us getting along is nothing new. But there are no deep conversations. W says "I don't have deep converstations with anyone." I ask her to define deep converstations and she used words like emotions, future plans, feelings. I say to her that you don't want to have those types of conversations so we stay away from them, correct. W's reply was that she has no connection with me so no she doesn't want to have deep conversations with me. I just let that one hang, no response. Ok time now to see what works, she says she has lost contact with you because you dont ahve the deep conversations she said she didnt want, try some out this week, not deep but more connection if you can I then debate asking one more question and decide to ask it because I want to know. One thing the W had told she was trying to look up on the internet was apartments for a subordinate since she was having to move out of where she is living. I found it very strange that my W would feel she needs to help this person find somewhere to live...this is another grown woman. So I ask are you planning on moving in with this other woman. W surprised by that question. Tells me no, tells me she wouldn't just move out without talking to me about it, and that there is no way she would ever want to move in with this woman. She then asks me if I thought she was lieing about looking at apartments for this other gal. I said no. W asks not even a little. I said no, I dind't think you were lieing, I thought it was strange that you felt it necessary to try to help this person find a place.Ok panic set in and you let your nose get the better of you! Get back to if she goes she goes, nothing you can do about it, but you can deal with it, remind yourself of what you have managed over the last few months

This morning, I try to snap out of the funk as soon as I can, hard given only 3.5 hours of sleep. Good man cant say I'd be so charitable on three and half hours sleep (())I brought up the ski trip e-mail again, explain that I only sent it because I wasn't going to be home to discuss and wanted to give her time to think about it. She says she is worried about selling our house for our move, and that it isn't ready and she doesn't know if we should be taking trips. I said ok, I understand that, do you want to just take the time off and work on the house. She says no. HUH?!!? Then she asks me what I would like to do. So I tell her that I would like to get away for at least part of spring break, but it doesn't have to be skiing, but that I think the girls would love it again and we have to decide quickly because everything is getting booked quickly. Explanation clear and to the point, remember its her that is panicking and her emotions are getting rattled

I then tell her that I will call the realtor today. In hindsight, that might be a mistake. That might be me fixing things. But it is the realm of things I normally handle. You said it dont fix things, I know how hard it is to keep your fingers out the pie as Im a fixer too

Thoughts? Advice? 2x4s? Encouragement?

Right you have rattled her cage, step away and back of her, give her space to work it out herself, stop trying to get answers and fix things you CANT

[gutwrenching]

Lost - I feel so stupid. Ugh, I know better. Don't know why I handled so many aspects so poorly. The picking at the bad mood, I haven't done that in so long, what the heck happened to me.

I actually didn't panic about her moving out. I just wanted to know to be prepared because it would make my life tougher with the girls, but nothing I couldn't handle. I did wonder if she was dropping a hint, so I wanted to know to better prepare ME. Might not have come across that way, but that is what was going thru my brain.

[Lost Rabbit]

Right number one youre not stupid! You didnt see it coming but you sure will next time (())

Go write "I will not pick at things" and "I cannot fix things" on a piece of card and stick them in your wallet so that when you feel tempted read them over and over again and hear all your DB mates calling "dont do it" until you can stop yourself lol!

Honestly give her some space its so important I can say that as I had a degree in Badgering it doesnt work believe me.. its so much easier to walk away and let H work it out for himself, its his headache after all.

Might be a good time to write a list of your 180's on here again, remind yourself of how far you have come.. tbh you sound a lot like my H easy going, and probably just a bit too nice, but with my worry/panic tendancies. Dont beat yourself up tomorrow is another day and she is still there!