flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

newmama, you're making me think. To be honest, I was in a R when my friendship with H started heating up . I split up before it got physical but still...I'm not proud of that, but it was 17 years ago and I was young and stupid. So I guess it was the thrill of the chase for H, to some extent, because I was not explicitly available. I loved my BF at the time and my friendship with H wasn't based on whining about my BF or anything.

I don't think that I looked particularly hot in those days...I was in a R and not particularly trying to attract men in how I dressed or groomed. H and I had a lot of intellectual conversations (we were in university classes together) and there was a lot of verbal flirtation, sexual innuendo, and a mutual interest in nature, cooking, books, ideas. H definitely did the pursuing and was playful and determined in his courtship. I'm sure I put out signals and I definitely participated in the verbal bantering, but I just acted like were good friends (and I was open and friendly in that way) but I didn't initiate anything sexual...I followed his lead.

From what I've written above, I see that it might be a mistake for me to intiate any flirtation or physical touch, even though I really, really, really want to. Work on being romantically unavailable but a really great friend who cares about him and can be someone for him to open up to??

I think I'm on the right track with going out in the evening and not disclosing my activities -- tonight will be my second time leaving him to put the kids to bed while I go out. Let him wonder...