I can see how you'd be frustrated that it appears as if 2 different standards are being used. However, I think the 2 situations are actually somewhat different.
When my H ended his EA, he was still in withdrawal for some time--for months he still thought she "had done nothing wrong" and missed her, even though (I believe) he never contacted her, and simultaneously felt stupid for ever having become involved with her. Whenever he'd become really sad and withdrawn, I'd wonder if there had been contact. I knew that if there had been and he hadn't told me, our R was doomed because he hadn't learned that a M requires transparency.
When I read what the poster you mentioned wrote about not telling her H that her OM now lived so close and had contacted her, it looked like a slippery slope ... if she once withheld that info from her husband, it would be restarting the secrecy which allowed the affair to flourish in the first place. Besides, her M was still struggling, so voluntarily telling her H would begin to rebuild his trust in her.
Lotus's position is different, partly because both partners had affairs, but mainly because they had ended them before going to Retrouvaille. They both went with the (necessary) attitude that they had chosen to put the marriage first, and were on a much more emotionally connected plane before they made the MUTUAL decision not to ask/tell any more about the affairs. They were therefore a lot further along in their healing journey than in the other case.
At least, that's how it appears to me. I wanted to add, I really admire your kindness, generosity and openness--I know when you're responding to someone that they'll be well taken care of.
