She started talking about how the ego's insecurity is seeking something to cling onto, but the nature of reality is ever-changing, open, fluid. How the insecurity feels like dying. I sat down in the field overlooking the mountains, the ocean, the blossoming cherry trees...and I sobbed. Raw grief.
I had one of those the other night. And afterwards, I felt calm, strong and great. I hope you had a similar cathartic release that brought you peace and hope.
(((flowmom)))
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
(A) Put on comfortable clothes and big, obnoxious fuzzy slippers
(B) Turn off all lights and light a candle
(C) Fling (and I do mean fling) yourself on the sofa in the most dramatic fashion possible (it might take a few flings to get this right, keep trying!)
(D) Put box of tissues on coffee table (get the good kind, with the lotion)
(E) Start crying. I don't mean a sniffle or two but let it rip
(F) Continue crying for 10-15 min. Be loud, let the snot fly, the mascara run.... if you are going to do this, do it right!
(G) Wipe nose/face, go to kitchen and have a glass of lemonade and two cookies. Crying is hard work and you will need a break and more energy!
(H) Walk back to couch like you are the saddest person alive.
(I) Fling body back on sofa (again, repeat if it is not dramatic enough)
You're convincing me to ditch the drag-H-to-alpha-C plan.
Ruined, I did feel better after.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm so glad you did the run in nature listen to buddhist teachings and grieve thing! I know it hurts, but that is the way to get in touch with your feelings. I have no idea if you should have H go in to C or not. I guess I would think - what is your mini goal for that session? Is it possible to achieve? What are the best and worse outcomes? I do like the idea of alpha male telling H he can't cake walk. Take him down a notch!
Is there any way to address that in DBing other than looking good and GAL?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know it sounds cliche, but my coach told me to look like I did when we were dating, to try and remember how I acted....
so although I got used to wearing my stylish turquoise framed glasses, I went back to contacts. I started wearing my hair down every day, and even similar eye make up as to when we dated. I looked in some old pictures and saw that I wore form fitting shirts and jeans. I act bubbly and sometimes make sexual comments (i.e. at TV shows or if something comes up) BUT I will not flirt with him- he is with another woman! In your case, you might try sometime????
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
newmama, you're making me think. To be honest, I was in a R when my friendship with H started heating up . I split up before it got physical but still...I'm not proud of that, but it was 17 years ago and I was young and stupid. So I guess it was the thrill of the chase for H, to some extent, because I was not explicitly available. I loved my BF at the time and my friendship with H wasn't based on whining about my BF or anything.
I don't think that I looked particularly hot in those days...I was in a R and not particularly trying to attract men in how I dressed or groomed. H and I had a lot of intellectual conversations (we were in university classes together) and there was a lot of verbal flirtation, sexual innuendo, and a mutual interest in nature, cooking, books, ideas. H definitely did the pursuing and was playful and determined in his courtship. I'm sure I put out signals and I definitely participated in the verbal bantering, but I just acted like were good friends (and I was open and friendly in that way) but I didn't initiate anything sexual...I followed his lead.
From what I've written above, I see that it might be a mistake for me to intiate any flirtation or physical touch, even though I really, really, really want to. Work on being romantically unavailable but a really great friend who cares about him and can be someone for him to open up to??
I think I'm on the right track with going out in the evening and not disclosing my activities -- tonight will be my second time leaving him to put the kids to bed while I go out. Let him wonder...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Is there any way to address that in DBing other than looking good and GAL?
The spark is gone because he's depressed, and it can't return until he comes out of the depression--so, no, there's nothing YOU can do to change him and bring it back.
However, looking good and GALing will make you feel better about yourself, which will in turn make you take any pressure off your H, creating a friends-relationship that *might* later be the basis for something more.
So, what can you do to become the confident girl you used to be, the one that attracted H in the first place? At the same time (I believe you read Love & Stosny's book), how can you avoid triggering any feelings of shame in him, so that any negative spark-killing emotions are gone?
FWIW, I agree with CityGirl that your C needs to be for you alone at this point.
