My IC Wed night told me that from what I had told her (+she was our MC last year), my W would likely not be changing very quickly, if at all. That would mean I would need to keep making concessions, not compromises as in many areas of disagreement between W & I, W feels that movement from her POV is giving up (so she doesn't).
I didn't tell my W when she asked how the IC went when she asked so I didn't eat feet. The next day, I did have a big talk with W because I was at home to watch the kids as she had surgery later that day.
I began with positive, the fact that I might be starting to feel some love. Then I said that it might be fear of the consequences, too.
I ended my recounting of where I was at be telling her that I'm really trying to make our M work, but I needed to get the fear out of the way. I explained that my fear of trying to live off 50% of my income as a teacher and losing my kids was making it impossible for me to know if I am feeling love, or fear of being alone.
I needed to see that I had two directions to go where the kids come first, we come EQUALLY second. Where the kids don't feel like they have a home with her, and a closet with me. Where my own love for my kids wouldn't be sacrificed so I or she could live apart.
She has had a real problem with my main suggestion which I've been holding on to since October. That IF we D, we get a house with 2 entrances and lock off any connection between. Then, divide up land, responsibilities.
I can't imaging how she'd feel knowing that I might be looking at marriage in the basement. Still, by having a shared house, we save about 20% of my monthly salary, the kids get a full sized yard. Most of all, they get to know that while life would certainly change and that the family they knew was going end, but that we are both 'there' for them for a few years before moving our separate ways.
After the surgery, we were driving home and she started to talk about it, but I said there was no rush to tell me what she wanted. This morning, she told me that she agreed. It would be hard, but for the sake of our 5 kids, she'd do it.
Weirdest part, I felt a bit warmer in my chest because she was willing to do something she's had problems with - compromise. I told her it made me feel better to be with her for making that decision. Usually, if I hit a nerve, she backs off and sticks to the lowest option. I really, really hope this wasn't the affect of being put to sleep for surgery!
2 more weeks to Retrouvialle...
I'm certain now that if come the end of the Retro weekend I still want to leave, that I will plan to continue D mediation which we stopped 2 months ago, and then plan to live separately in a one month only basement suite lease.
What I really need is this: DOES ANYONE HAVE A LOVE METER? Something like a blood pressure monitor, but for love. I could wear it on my arm, she'll see it go up and down and I'll see hers, and then we'll self adjust to 100% loving~
