I didn't want any of this. I just wanted a second chance.
That is exactly what I'm talking about. You really do seem to want to not progress with this D. She seems like she's going to be the 'nasty' divorcee, too. I really hope the things I'm saying don't make you go backwards in moving on, so read with caution~
My IC said that I had to decide if I am afraid of losing my W, or losing the idea of being M to her - which one is it for you? In some areas, you seem like you really love her and don't want to lose her. That you want to have her change her mind. In others, you've written off any hope and seem quite angry with her. The anger that I read in your posts (not know) seems very deep, the kind I'd have problems hiding.
Like you, I realized that the D will totally mess me up financially. I tried suggesting things to W to make a middle ground where the kids don't feel like they have a home with her, and a closet with me. Where my own love for my kids wouldn't be sacrificed so I or she could live apart. For you, it's 28%. For me, it is almost 45%! Like you, my net income would be low enough that I don't know how I could even handle an apartment, never mind a second home for my kids. Yesterday I came clean and told her that I'm really trying to make our M work, but I need to get the fear out of the way so love can grow. It was hard to tell her. If we aren't working on fears though, I don't believe permanent goals can be met.
DB is busting, that's hard and painful work. In Basketball, to beat the best team, you seem hundreds of strategies, not one or two. Are you "man enough" to go to her and touch her cheek kindly or hold her hand while you talk knowing she might reject you and still continue with a smile on your face? I'm not sure if I would be, but I had to try because there was no way that I would improve my sitch by running away. If I hadn't gone to touch my W and more, then our near certain D would have already occured. We're not out of the woods yet, and there are days I feel I shouldn't try, but I do. Some days, I was very happy to get a D because it would mean an end to the life I couldn't handle with my W. She gave up on me for a while and that made me sad, but much more ready for a D. If your W feels you've gone from the R talks that rarely work + pursuing to giving up, you are just releasing her from the guilt of choosing to D.
So some questions if you want to answer them: 1. Are you willing to try different approaches? You've been told to not pursue, to go on with life, etc. What has not worked? 2. Do you think your IC could hely you figure out what she is so upset about. 3. Are you willing to accept continous meanness/rejection/fears, if it increases a slim chance of a M from a near certain D? 4. (Others would disagree) Are you willing to try to understand her better, so that you can figure out what is bothering her and why she feels so hopeless that a D cheers her up?
I'm not defending your W - she seems to deserve punishment from what you've told us. But if you really love her, keep reading and making long term changes like you have been in the last year.
Don't lament, but don't give up either - unless deep down, you don't want her in your life. If that is the case, then fully move on.
