What should I do?

[Lostforwords]

Eric-

Something my wife said to me during the height of it all..."Would I rather she was her because she had to or because she wanted to?"....made me think for awhile...ok a few months...LOL

[Mach1]

Also, if I confront now, I would be handing her back the power to control my emotions and right now that is not a good thing for me or my kids. You see, I have come to realize that if she is going to want to be with me, that is a choice that she will make based on the man that I am becoming not based on her r with the OM or her other needs i.e. for the kids, finances, etc. You see I know now that I want her to want me for ME. Yes, it hurts to think that I may loose her but I would rather be truly loved that have someone living with me going thru the motions.

Yet again......another layer peeling off....

This is where you need to be....

Keep striving everyday my friend.....

You are getting there.

[ericmsant2]

Thanks Mach1 -I kinda of feel a little like an onion these days. A few more questions I ask myself...Okay maybe these are additional goals..

1) Can I forgive myself of am I a little too confortable in the role of victim?
2) The fear of loosing my wife is probably a bigger sign that I have some insecurity issues to deal with. What R they and how do I deal with them?
3) We all claim to be patient...can I REALLY be patient? Can I live in a world that I do not control? The reality is that I have to - the only choice I have is to work torward acceptance or continue to try and control and fail.

Okay - I'm getting way to deep here.

[smith18]

Eric - I like this introspection you are having. And I think you are taking the correct hands-off non-controlling approach now with what your W may be doing. She knows from the first EA of your disapproval of such matters. She probably realizes you dont condone it and are not a push over wuss. Keep on you path, and as time goes on, the panic will wear off (but your appetite may return).

Cat - why are you still married to a habitual cheater?

[cat04]

oh please Kerry...

Because at first, I did not recoginize MLC as the problem and really thought it was me who was all wrong. I thought if I could be different, then he would be.

Then I realized MLC and well that was a whole different ball of wax. We all have our different tolerance levels, I chose to listen to the words of "friends" or EA, he still refuses to admit much more than that, and to be honest, OW5 was pretty much my breaking point. However, there is much more to the story than I care to share here.

[cat04]

Kerry,

I decided to give you a bit of a better answer. My H, is in his second round with the MLC mothership.

The first two A's, were during the first time, which ended in 2000. While I was not MLC knowledgable at the time, I knew even then that there was something more than a simple A or two going on. I had a small child, my H's presence afforded me the opportunity to be a stay at home mother, which my S needed. I loved my H, I still do. Many many reasons.

Then good years for a while. There were no OP during the good years. MLC event number two began in 07 and I would not believe it was MLC, no matter how many times I read the script (hell I could have written it with all that I had heard between the two episodes). Took me a year, to decide that I really believed it even though people around me did.

So that is the reason. We now have a mutual understanding within our situation, and we will be D'd when our S is 18.

My entire M was not a horrible one, and my H is not a horrible man. He is simply confused. I hope that this answered your question a little bit better.

[smith18]

Thanks Cat. I understand. You have done well to carry on your life with dignity. I have a similar attitude about my XW - she is not a bad woman - she just has made some bad choices.

[Lostforwords]

1) Can I forgive myself of am I a little too confortable in the role of victim?

Are you really a victim? Or is that some stereotype you learned somewhere?

2) The fear of loosing my wife is probably a bigger sign that I have some insecurity issues to deal with. What R they and how do I deal with them?

Very good question....What are they? Only you know that one.

3) We all claim to be patient...can I REALLY be patient? Can I live in a world that I do not control?

Do you really think that you control the world?

Getting better Eric...I was only two rephrase two this time. Question two is for you to answer...we are all awaiting your answers.

[ericmsant2]

Thanks Lost -

I am not a victim here. I guess my point was that I need to detach and move on and not fall into the trap of thinking that anything that I do can change my W. The only thing I can do is continue to work on me. In terms of forgivness - this has been hard for me but at the same token has identified that areas of my life that need to change. Not for her - she is gone but for me.

Ah...the fear question..
Why am I so worried about loosing my W? Why am I so afraid that when I look in the mirror I may not like what or who I have become? What will my life be like after all of this? Will I have enough money to support myself? Can I make it? Who is Eric? Yes I can say that I am strong but am I really? These are the questions that I struggle with.

Sorry I felt the need to share a little of myself with everyone.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Why am I so afraid that when I look in the mirror I may not like what or who I have become?

You have the ability to change, so that you LIKE and RESPECT the man in the mirror. That is ALL on you brother. ALL.

Will I have enough money to support myself? Can I make it? Who is Eric? Yes I can say that I am strong but am I really?

These...

You won't know, but you shoud strive to answer yes to them...maybe no the who is Eric one. That one is the mirror question. But the other ones, you goal is to answer YES.

You fear is a not an excuse not to try. Not trying is to fail. NOT trying is such...BS.

Even in failing we build ourselves. Even in failing there is the success of at least facing our fears.