Hey MB28. I posted this in a separate thread, but I am putting it here too. If you can get someone to pass SOME of this to your husband to read it may help wake him up... or maybe have someone EDUCATE HIM verbally with the notes below
--------------------------------------------------------------- Advice for Cheaters and their Partners
If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.
Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?
Think of the children. If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?
If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"
Be honest with yourself. Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.
Be honest with your partner. By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.
Accept responsibility. Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.
Assess your commitment level. Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.
Behave your way to success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!
Turn toward your partner. When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.
Re-engineer your life. If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
--------------------------------------------------------------- If You Are Being Cheated On:
Get real. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.
This is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.
What is your payoff? Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"
Assess your commitment level. You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.
Consider the consequences. If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.
Decide if you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?
If you can't forgive, let go. When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.
Allen A, Thanks for all the advice. I remember you saying something about maybe sending him a love letter. Do you think this is a good idea? If so, what should I say in it?
Puppy, Wishing you the best with your daughter (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I said find one from HIM to OW as PROOF!! GOOD GOD DO NOT SEND HIM A LOVE LETTER!!!!
His denial was point, we need concrete proof that an affair is going on.. i said it would be good to get a HOLD of a LOVE LETTER... meaning one from her or one from him to each other... NOT YOU.... NOoooooooooooooo... do NOT send him ANYTHING!!!!!!
I was worried you were sending him something... zero contact... I know it hurts, but trust me its hurting HIM just as much... Which is the idea.... it will MAKE him want you ... Just don't accept any calls and ignore his texts... You made it clear you didn't want to hear from him until OW was gone, he knows the score now...
mb, I am concerned about you. You're getting good advice on how to deal with the A, but I'm concerned that exposing the A is becoming an unhealthy preoccupation for you. Exposing the A, doing dark, etc. isn't going to "work" if you are not GAL.
I'm on the road with you feeling like my thoughts and obsessions are torturing me and that my whole world revolves around my sitch. But I am forcing myself to GAL. Yesterday I went for a run and listened to Buddhist teachings, then had tea with a girlfriend last night. Tonight I'm going downtown with an old friend to brave the crazy downtown Olympics crowds to drink in some of the spirit of the event.
What are you going to do today to GAL?
Posting about your GAL activities in your thread will likely get fewer responses than posting about A-busting strategies, but you have to decide what DBing looks like for you right now.
If a mutual friend told your H about your life right now, would s/he be able to report that you are GAL, and would what he heard make him think that you are moving on with your life? I'm struggling a lot with things, but my friends would tell my H that I am GAL and that he should not take it for granted that I'll be waiting around for him to come to his senses. I'm not trying to compare our sitches because I'm not dealing with an A, but I know that we mothers probably have greater-than-usual challenges with GAL and I want to encourage you in that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I actually consider affair-busting part of getting a life. The affair will consume you otherwise... BUSTING that up is the first step to taking your dignity and life back... the affair if not addressed will consume the abandoned spouse... clearly this is a bad thing.
Getting up, getting out, doing a variety of activities including exposure of the affair will get blood flowing again. I certainly do not reccomend hiding out in a safety zone waiting for the phone to ring... that's the LAST place I would reccomend anyone be during the exposure phase of an affair.
If I understand mb28's plan correctly, she's staying with a friend at this point, which should help that along?
Please confirm mb28 that you are NOT at home anymore, please tell us you are with a friend and exposed to some positive stuff now...
Thanks for everyones concern, I am at a friends and have had a couple of days of peace. However, H did tell my friend yesterday that he has made an appt with his L to file. I guess when he first saw L, they just wrote up the paper work and H didn't have him file yet. But now he say's he is ready. He told my friend that I don't really love him, and that it will never work between us.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
