Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

Exactly, I don't understand how H can get upset with me because I am frustrated because I haven't had a day off in...probably 6 months. I am with S every day. Taking care of him every day and he just gets to buy what he wants, live where he wants, do what he wants, without any concern for anyone. It drives me nuts! Of course this is why H says if he do D, he wants no visitation because he can't take care of S by himself. Just this weekend he got so upset with S about stuff that I just let slide.

They just don't get it at all. Part of the reason I want to know what my H's plans are because we have a lot of reintegrating to do before he were to move back in. Life is not a bed of roses, and you can't just do whatever you want when you have a potty training two year old.

[Lucky11too]

Exactly. A lot has changed since they haven't been around and it's definitely going to be an interesting task if we ever get the opportunity to reintegrate them back in our lives. It seems to me (at least with my H) that they expect everything to be easy and perfect. Life is not easy! We're going to have fights, S is going to give us trouble, etc, but that's just part of life and learning to be a team to get thru it together. I think he's getting a taste of real life in some ways now, but I still think he has it way too easy. He has to learn too that he just can't pond S off on the grandparents all the time. I'm glad it's b/c he wants to spend time with me, but what about S? He wants time with his mommy and daddy too (well at least with his mommy =P). I just don't want to become too distracted with this whole H issue either that I'm not there for S.

I feel like I'm in a weird place right now. I feel like harping on all the negative things b/c there are so many things that are still wrong. I think too about how I’m scared that if we get back together, that we’ll probably be able to “make it work” but will we ever really be happy? I keep thinking about how I know how important M is and want to give that family for S, so I see myself sacrificing and giving it my all for H and the M, but I just can’t see him doing that for me. I'm going to have needs too and I just don't see him willing to put of the effort to meet them. Maybe it’s all just intertwined b/c it all comes back to the selfishness. But in the complete opposite of all that, my heart aches and I just want to be with him right now. I just want him to sit there and hold me. I don’t know, it’s just weird to be feeling such extremes. I feel like there’s this inner battle playing out right now between my heart and my brain, and I think my love sick heart is winning…

In a more productive state, I asked my MIL this morning if she could call their dr and get that appt set up for H to get his referral to the ENT for the sleep apnea surgery. It was horrible this weekend. We had 2 nights together and I was amazed about how bad he really is! He just doesn’t sleep. Every time I woke up, he would be awake. And too, I slept on his schedule Sunday night and I’m still trying to recover from lack of sleep! He’s finally coming to terms with the fact that he needs to do this and he needs to do this now, but he still just can’t seem to pick up the phone and call. Hopefully, MIL will help with that. I fear that I’m just sitting here in wishful thinking though that it will some how save our M too. But one step at a time...

[awest1217]

I completely understand the inner struggle, but although I think it is important for S to have a family, I don't want him to learn that a relationship is what we have. S will say that daddy loves me, but then will say how daddy lives at his house with OW. He is learning that a family is a mommy who lives with him and a daddy who loves him and mommy, but lives with another woman. Yeah that is great! Especially at an age where S is learning more of his moral values.

I said all of that because you really need to weigh the positives and negatives. Make sure you have boundaries because the last thing S needs to learn is bad habits.

The inner struggle will always be there, but as long as he keeps making progress and he is showing you off, which to me proves the OW are gone, that you just keep on. He is still going to therapy and although it is taking a while, is making progress on the points you are most concerned every day. He is still drinking, but showing you off is great! He is making time for you like taking off of work. He is trying, maybe not as fast as you want, but he is trying and as he continues therapy and hopefully gets the surgery, maybe that will help alleviate some of the drinking. I still believe he is an alcoholic and will need to get into a program, but the first step is him to stop denying it so it may take a while.

You are doing great and the inner struggle is completely normal. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you and S. H has been gone for quite a while so it will take quite a while to reconcile, but if that is what you want, you can do it.

[Lucky11too]

Very true point. There is definitely a lot to weigh. If H can be a good H to me and a good F to S, then of course it's best to have the family together. But if he's going to continue to be a role model that shows S that a H leaves his W every night to go out partying, not so good. It's unfortunate, that even if we aren't living together, he's still his F and will have an impact on him. S will still seeing the drinking, partying, etc. I think that's why I'm trying so hard right now, despite what happens with me and H, to nip these problems now. If you ask me honestly, i don't see how we will ever get back together but it's worth the fight for the above and for that chance that it might just work out. And too, maybe it's still just hard for me to see the end b/c it is progressing so slow, but it still is progress, and it took us a long time to get here and it will take us a long time to get out.

So a little bummed out. It's just hard for me with these ups and downs b/c H will show me so much love and attention and then just nothing. So I'm still full of emotion and basically just want to pour my love out on him, but he's back in his own little world again. I texted him about a few things yesterday and he responded but would just answer the question and not allow for any further communication. Finally last night, my dad was going to make a special dinner tonight but needed to buy the ingredients today, so I asked H if he would like to come (b/c it couldn't be a last minute thing like he normally does). He just replied, "Sounds yummy, but I can't commit". And that was that. Ug, can you commit to anything in life?

So, last thing on my mind - our 4 year anniversary is in two weeks. Of course I would like to do something and hopefully something romantic - not like V-day which was all about having fun (which is was fun, but I want time with just the two of us). I know, what a girl! I'm a true romantic at heart but unfortuantely, H is anything but that. So do I plan something or at least suggest some ideas or try to see if H does anything. From his tract record, IF he comes up with anything, it won't be until the day before or day of. I mean it is supposed to be OUR day, so I don't know how much I should leave just to him? He did plan V-day (if that's what you call planning), so maybe I should just plan this? Hmm...

[awest1217]

It is definitely still a fine line that we walk each day, but as long as progress is made, and if you read over your thread a lot of progress, you have the strength to keep going.

About your anniversary, that is up to you. If you feel like you want to do something and would be let down by anyting less, I would say then go ahead and plan it. At least that way you will have some control and you will be able to show H that you are invested in the marriage. On the other end, it might be a little pushy. However, he has made comments about the two of you together so I say go for it. Be prepared for him to want to change the plans or add to it, but have some fun.

[flowmom]

Lucky, I'm fuzzy on the details of your sitch, but here's what comes to your mind for your anniversary. Make really fun plans for yourself that don't include him. But don't mention them to him. If he comes up with a plan, you're busy for most of the day, but you could make time for him between 10 AM and 1 PM (for example). That forces him into working around your schedule and sends the message that you are not going to wait around for him while he parties or be available for last-minute plans. I'm trying to channel from the book Why Men Love Bitches.

[Lucky11too]

I definitely get what you are saying, but I think that might be a little too harsh given where we are now. I feel like we are in the "dating" stage, which I am ok with as long as progress continues to be made. He is finally drawing to me and desiring to do things, so I don't want to push him away either. So my thought was, (so I'm not being to pushy and just saying this is what we are doing) is to kind of feel him out next time we hang out and see if he had any ideas about what he would like to do for our anniversary and if not, throw out some of my ideas and monitor his response. If positive response, I'll go ahead with it, but if he seems reserved, I'll just step back. I would be let down if he didn't want to do anything, but I don't want to push on him to do just what I want to do. Hopefully, we can work together on a idea that we would both enjoy. Maybe he can use some of his "connections" again. =P So, I'll probably feel like one out this weekend.

So H left before I got there to pick up S tonight, but I guess he had other "committments". I was just looking forward to seeing him though. He did send me a text though shortly after letting me know he had put my license that I had left with him from the weekend in S's bag. I thanked him and that was that. I am struggling if I should start to be more opening affectionate with him. Like when we were dating and in early marriage, I used to always text him good night. Now I don't know if he would appreciate something like that or be completely turned off by it. Hard to know. =\ There's definitely a lot of second guessing in these DB mind games. I'll probably just let it go for now and see what tomorrow brings...

Oh, and in other good news, talked to MIL and when H was there today, she set up an appt for him tomorrow the the dr. That will be the first step in him getting the referral to the ENT dr. Yay! Hope it all goes well!

[awest1217]

Although H didn't stay to see you, he did at least think of you and bring back your lisence. He is starting to be a little thoughtful...a little. I think you have the right idea about the anniversary. Feel him out. I would be really surprised at this point if he didn't want to do anything at all. He really seems to be wanting to connect with you. I know the ups and downs from him are hard, but remember he is still depressed and is self medicating with the alcohol so until he gets that under control the ups and downs are going to come. I still think you can't be overly affectionate because I don't think he is ready for that, but remember the big step last weekend was showing you off to all his buddies. He is proud of you and glad you have you around so just remember that and keep pressing on through the ups and downs of the depression.

I am glad to hear H is going to go to the doctor and hopefully then the ENT. Good things heading your way. Once again, a few months ago you wouldn't have even imagined him going to therapy or a doctor and now he is. Yes he needs someone to take the first step for him, but at least he is going.

[Lucky11too]

Isn't that the truth! I'm still in somewhat disbelief that H is actually going thru with these things. I of course was hoping for an overnight miracle as soon as he went to therapy, but I just have to continue to be patient! There are definitely some ups, as in last weekend, but then these immediate downs are a little harder to take. I'm trying to figure out how to be open and there for him without pushing myself on him. He's been pretty quiet regarding texts, so I'm trying to just let it go, b/c I agree with you, I still can't overdo it yet. He's just not there yet and I don't want to push him away by being too needy, clingy, or however else that might come off. Well, hopefully he'll include me in on how his appt goes today and hopefully we'll get to plan some time to hang out this weekend!

[Lucky11too]

So, not sure what to make of yesterday. H texted me in the afternoon to get more info on the ENT dr and then we kind of texted back and forth about dr stuff - mostly businesslike, but I would try to throw in a few flirty comments now and then. I told him the pool instruction video had come in (he asked me to get it for him b/c he is teaching a group next week at work) and we had talked about us watching it too, so I could get better (after my v-day basic instruction from H). I brought up watching it last night or this weekend and all I got back was a "where is it being delivered too". Ok, that's just annoying - way to avoid my question! When I went to pick up S, no H again. He had left a little bit before. I don't know if he had work or what (doesn't usually work Wed or Thurs nights anymore, but he could have picked up a shift). I tried to play it all cool, but I just wanted to see him - I hadn't seen him since v-day! I left very annoyed and was basically in a whatever mood now. That night, H texts me to ask about S and then we texted back and forth a bit about how big S was getting. That was that so I went to bed, but then i got a text at 3 in the morning asking if I wanted to hang out tonight or as he calls it, have a "slumber party". Stupid, huh. I just said "sounds good. Good night" and then no other response from H since. I just don't understand how we are good about responding and how they can be so good at not responding. Several times this weeks, he has totally ignored or avoided my texts. Whatever, I think I'm just a little bit tired and grumpy right now...