Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

He listened and later....HE SHOWED UP WITH BELATED VALENTINE CANDY BOXES FOR BOTH OF US! I kept reminding me of FM's goal - H will give apology or show remorse after being mean. I think I got a variation He later said he felt bad about how he had handled the morning. That was progress for him to admit that.

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO! progress! I hope that this encourages you to work with the goals...I actually think that the goals are a genius part of DBing. Instead of looking for the next hurt from our Hs, we can look for the next meeting of the goal, and of course that shifts our energy when we are with them...when we allow ourselves to believe that their behaviour can improve.

I suggested that goal because when we are trying to change negative behaviours, the change usually happens like this:

1. realize we did behaviour after, and still do behaviour

2. realize we are doing behaviour during, and still do behaviour

3. realize we are going to do behaviour beforehand, but still do behaviour

4. occasionally prevent doing behaviour

5. consistently do behaviour less often

So when we want someone to change, we have to realize that even if the person is trying really hard to stop a behaviour, stopping the behaviour is the last step on the progression.

Later it came out he's been wanting to "bring things up" (big R problems that we need to look at) that he's been scared to bring up. He sheepishly admitted he's scared of me blowing up. He even admitted that legal sep is red herring to avoid opening up. He also admitted that even with D papers in hand, that is just an excuse to not open up. It still can't protect one emotionally.

I sat there stunned and said, "YOU are scared of ME? I see myself as the one scared of YOU" I realized all this anger, the moving out, the legal papers, all a defense against fear. He said, "Pathetic, huh?" I saw the vulnerable kitten under that raging bull. I said "no way. I'm just as pathetic then."

He admitted, "As much as I resist these late night talks, I'm glad to have come to this realization. Even if it did take me a year. Now I just have to do it."

H4L, what a huge breakthrough!!!! And such a good example of how we magnify the power of others to hurt us (both for you and your H).

Now would be a really good time to GAL. It will give him some space to retreat a bit, and help you be strong if there's any backlash.