Oh, I forgot that I sometimes get the "Why are you treating me this way" or in more 2 yr oldish terms, "Why are you being mean to me?" When in fact, I am being either neutral or nice...
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
H and I had a talk yesterday evening before he left. It was about money as his business is severely under threat of liquidation.
He was grey, drawn and looked very old. During the conversation he struggled to stop himself crying. I listened and validated what he was saying to me.
What I find so difficult is that the man I love is in absolute turmoil. Just checking that I have to keep DBing and there is nothing else I can do at this time to help him through his tunnel i.e for me to acknowledge that he is in a bad place at the moment?
What I find so difficult is that the man I love is in absolute turmoil. Just checking that I have to keep DBing and there is nothing else I can do at this time to help him through his tunnel i.e for me to acknowledge that he is in a bad place at the moment?
NOTHING else you can do for the moment; best thing you can do is leave it be and just watch And it ain't over yet, LA...validation, understanding, patience, getting on with your life, not getting sucked in by his drama....all these things are important for YOU to learn. As for him, as he needs NO interference of any sort...just a friend at the edges of this who is supportive when he needs that.
Time is a factor..and quite honestly, tunnel dweller doesn't care if you understand or dont' understand..he is still going to what he has to do when he has to do it.
It IS VERY painful to go through the tunnel....I made my journey through and have experienced the pain.
You find it difficult because he's in agony as you're watching him..and it's harder because you cannot do anything for him right now.
I remember getting to the place I never mentioned anything about what was going on...when he wanted to talk, he knew where to find me...and he did.
I'm really sorry you're suffering like this; LA..but this too, shall pass in time.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Soco, It's never what you say, it is all how they perceive it. Perceptions are everything when it comes to people..and when in MLC, perceptions are ALWAYS skewed and twisted, as remember, they are masters of the twisted words AND sometimes actions.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks Heartsblessings for your advice and insight.
Just needed to check. This is increasingly more difficult as his depression becomes more visible.
I will continue on my journey of discovery and be a friend when he needs one. I know he needs to be where he is and I won't force anything that jeopardises his journey out of his tunnel on his own time frame.
LA, you're welcome..I can understand where you are; having been there so long ago. It will tear your heart out watching him go through this and not be able to help him unless he comes to you, first.
I know you're hurting; and I know he's hurting. Keep your expectations down to zero and below, strengthen yourself.
You just needed to make sure you're doing the right thing regarding what's going on, and I understand the difficulty of trying to do the right thing..when there seems to be no right thing.
You can do this; I know you can.
Last edited by HeartsBlessing; 02/19/1004:07 PM.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am right there with you. I have seen the depression in spurts throughout this MLC but never as prolonged and evident as it is right now. It is so painful to see and yet to realize there is absolutely nothing we can do . . .
He does know where to find you and knows you will be a friend for him. Hang in there!
In HB's stages of MLC (which I know are liquid) part of it in stage 5 talks about the H/W withdrawing into their own space to deal with their own issues. It also says 'during this time they must be gently but firmly led along and only when the time is right'.
Can any one give any insight as to when the LBS knows the time is right as it would appear if you get it wrong they can withdraw further for longer?
In my H's case, there were times during his Withdrawal phase (which for the most part meant that he was in his head a LOT, communicating very little with me) when he would want to tell me what he saw as the big questions he needed to decide on, or a bit about what was happening at counselling, or express doubts about something.
In responding, I tried to keep any R talks as short as possible, and to validate his reality (which was still rather distorted). I remember telling him calmly and understandingly that I could see that he wasn't sure he could live without the OW, and might have to chose to move to her city, away from us. I think that helped to make him see that he really couldn't cake-eat forever as he'd hoped, and that I was moving on.
So, essentially, respond to his cues. I came to dread the times he wanted to talk, because all that confusion was so difficult to listen to--and then next time I saw him he'd be in a completely different headspace anyhow.
