how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i am certainly directing where my life is going right now and making choices and improvements that are good for ME. but it's still hard to feel like you're in the passenger seat sometimes.

i did chose to talk to him last night. we ended up on the phone until 2 in the morning. i'm not a big phone person, and i can easily say that was the longest phone conversation he and i have ever had. i think it's good he reached out to me and at one point he even said "well, who else would i talk to about all this stuff?" which made me feel good in that he still values me as a friend and confidant. we really had a wonderful conversation, we talked a lot about things his IC talked to him about, and i'm seeing that for once he's trying to get to the real root of some of the issues that have driven us to split before. i'm taking these things as signs of his love, that he's working to make the right choices for the right reasons.

so. today i'm hopeful. he asked me if we could have dinner tonight and i do have plans with a girlfriend but told him if that falls through that dinner would be nice. it's weird but i almost felt like last night we connected in a way that we really haven't before. we were so honest with each other and he really told me what was going on in his head. so that was nice. i did tell him that i'm glad he feels like he can trust me to talk to me about what's going on, because you'd kind of think i'd be the one person he wouldn't want to talk to about this.

i do still have plans to move tomorrow, to a cute new apartment one floor up from where i am now. i leave for my service trip in 2 weeks, and i know my H is very proud that i'm able to find it within myself to help others at a time when i need help, too. for me, though, i kind of feel that helping others is a way to help myself and to heal the hurt i'm feeling.

sorry if this is rambling and doesn't have a real point. i just had a really good conversation with my H and am feeling a little all over the place. trying to keep it cool...but he called me baby on the phone last night, which i haven't heard out of him in over a month. THAT felt good!