Hello. This is long. I appreciate your time. My wife and I have been together for the better part of 10 years. Married for the last 3 years. We have one son (8). Last Bomb dropped 1-27-10. She moved in with her father. We see our son equally. I have read DB. I’m trying 180 and some other techniques. I have made all the typical mistakes in how to handling this. I got the book 3 weeks after she left and realized what I was doing wrong.
This is the third time she has left me. The first time she left was 5 years ago. I was a big a$$hole to her, said cruel things, basically didn’t care. I really messed up. Her and my son moved to an apartment for a year. I did all the same “don’ts” then too. But I was able to change and she saw that. We got back together and got married a year later. I thought everything was going good, not perfect but good. I knew I still needed to work on myself. I knew it would take time. My wife didn’t think it was fast enough. To her defense she always begged me to get professional help for my anger, depression and anything else I have wrong with me. I never thought anything was wrong with me. At best I thought I could just fix myself. I thought there was something wrong with her and asked her to seek help (she didn’t). So that’s where we sat. You can about imagine the problems that arise from that.
The second time was 12-26-08. I came home to a mostly empty house. There was note on the table telling me she was at her mom and dads and couldn’t be with me right now and needed time to think. That killed me. Did all the things I shouldn’t again. I did give her the space and time she needed. The best I could anyway. She was talking about divorce, but didn’t do anything about it. She came back to me right after Valentines Day agreeing to go to MC w/ no guarantees. I told myself I was going to do everything I could to make this work.
While she was gone I asked her if there was OM. She said no. I had no reason to doubt her. I noticed our cell phone bill had doubled. She was having hour long phone conversations. She wouldn’t even talk to me face to face that long during the course of a week. I asked her about the calls. She says they are girl friends and people from work. I was happy with the answer, but I had a feeling something was off. So I did reverse look up on all the numbers with a lot of talk time. They were all legit but one. I confronted her and she said he is just a guy “friend” from work. And how dare I do what I did. The amount of defense she put up made me even more suspicious. I put a key logger on my computer to see if I could catch an email or two. She was having an affair with him. She was emailing him telling him they needed to go back to being just friends. I confronted her with it. She confessed, said it never got physical. I told her to stop communicating with him. She said she would. I actually believed her. That didn’t last long.
MC started to have a positive effect but we where still not getting it. She told me she wanted a divorce again because I found out about something she did when she moved out the first time. It was my own fault for even trying to find out,(I wished I never did) but I thought if she was lying to you about this affair maybe it happen before too. When she was gone I kept getting reports from others saying they have seen her and my “best friend” out at times. I asked her back then if anything was going. No of course not, and I believed her. Well I called him and asked him one day what happened, (Keep in mind I’m still messed up from the finding out about the latest one so my judgment skills where gone.) he told me what I had feared. The whole time she is with him she is telling me she needs time and space, not going to see anyone; she just wants to be alone. But we would try to work things out, we not broken up just need a break. Well to me she cheated on me. She led me to believe we still had a R. She told me she would not be seeing anybody else, blah, blah. I also found out she got pregnant and had another abortion. Here’s the best part. We were both having sex with her at the time. More than likely it was mine but she says it was his. Starting to get the picture yet?
A few weeks after all that she said she wanted to get divorced again. I know I was still making mistakes. It seemed like it was supposed to be a process that would take time to fix, but I wasn’t doing it a pace that made everybody happy. So she wanted out again (I don’t blame her). She said counseling was not working for us. It was over, she is not “in” love with me anymore, she had enough, to much baggage. She admits to her wrong doings, says she is sorry for all the hurt and pain she caused me but can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough.
The couple of months we’ve “worked” on us wasn’t near long enough to fix anything. Not to mention she put in maybe a 25% effort. I once again stepped back and let her breath. I knew she was still in there some were. I knew she was just angry and need time to cool off. We would still go about our lives like we were fine. We even maintained a good sex life. Then one day it all changed, she was the person I fell in love with. She started to put in the effort. It wasn’t fast but it was something. I asked her why and she said, instead of looking at all the negative things in our life she would look at the positive. She said she would let her guard down and see what would happen. Life got better after that. Than one day I get word she and the OM are still “friends”. I find out she it still communicating with him at work. She tells me nothing is going on. They are just truly friends. I am just supposed to deal with it. I can’t tell her who she can or can not be friends with.
Fast forward to month ago, we just got back from our first big family vacation in Florida. We went out on the town and met up with a friend of ours. He was my best man in our wedding. He was also the only “friend” I had. I know sad. I confided in him earlier this year. He was drunk and told her a few things I did when before when I was spying on her that she didn’t know about (I had stopped). This brings up the past and puts her right back where she was a year ago. I come home from work, and the same song and dance starts all over. It’s a broken record. Doesn’t love me, moving to her dad’s (her mom died in October) and taking our S. I break down again. She was gone the next day.
After reading DB I have started to change. I told her I wanted to have a family day. She agreed. We hung out on Valentines Day. We even kiss each other from time to time. Not just a peck on the cheek but some good kissing and hugging (that does seem to be fading now). We talked about sex. She says she wants to come to me for it. Only if I can do it with out thinking it will change things. I think that is not right. Thoughts? She tells me there is no OM. She couldn’t possibly think of some one else right now (sound familiar). She says she is confused but no matter what wants a divorce and is done. I still see a spark. There is passion. There is something there. We talk, she calls me, emails me ect. She even said she loved me the other day. But she is not even considering stopping the divorce. She wants’ us to be friends. I’m having a real hard time not helping her when she needs it. For safety of my son I put new tires on the Jeep. It needed it before she left but I never got to it. She told me her dad was going to “borrow” her money to have it done and wanted my opinion on what to buy. I told her no way is he doing that. He will not support my family. Now she thinks I hate her dad. I kind of do right now. She is helping with the bills, but there is no way either one us can live on one income. There is a lot more to that.
I know she is after the OM again. They meet at a bar the other night. I asked her if she is involved with him again. What do think she said? I don’t know what to do. Should I confront her about it? I was thinking of confronting him in a non violent manner. I have already emailed him telling him to back off when I found out the other times.
She tells me I’m nuts. She thinks I’m going to hurt her or our son. I have never been a violent person. I have threatened suicide each time she wanted a divorce. I don’t talk to my relatives anymore. They have no advice, don’t care, bad advice, or think I’m nuts too. I'm starting to believe them.
It looks like I'm a gluten for punishment. But I see only the good in us. I love my family. I know we can make this work. But it will only work if she wants it to. I can’t stand to see how this affecting our son. I'm think of him and I starting some IC & FC together. If she wants in she will have to make to move. I convinced her not to get an attorney. Mostly because we can’t afford one. Unfortunately our SIL works for a big law firm and is giving her advice. Hell everybody is giving her advice. All of it in favor of divorce. Now she has list of mediators. It seams like the more space I give her the more distant she becomes. I think she is truly done. I have lost all hope. Is there a chance to save this? Is it three strikes and your out? Should I go to a C? What are my next steps? I am all alone.
Yes.. go for counseling, ASAP, regardless of the outcome of your relationship. Threatening suicide for any reason is a serious red flag.
Let her go. A woman who continually leaves the marriage physically, seeks an emotional confidant with a member of the opposite sex is not a happy camper. Let her go, no strings attached. She knows where to find you.
It's not about everything that you can do to make her happy. It's about finding your own personal joy that is not solely defined by another person.
Learn how to set your boundaries. What is and isn't a deal breaker for you. Have firm consequences if they're violated.
First of all before anything else, get into counseling with a highly regarded professional. Get healthy first, the rest will follow.
Consider consulting excellent lawyers to find out your legal rights. The first session is usually free and gives great insight.
I'm very sorry about your situation. I know that you're going through some very hard times right now (to say the least), but you've done the right thing by reaching out on this forum.
In response to one of your questions, I think you have the right idea about going to counseling or possibly even seeing a doctor for your anger/depression issues. I think this could make a big difference for your emotional health, and it would likely make an impression on your W. You MUST take care of your own emotional well-being before you can work on having a happier relationship.
Keep following the advice from the book. Giving her space is difficult (I'm having a hard time giving my H space right now), but you don't want to drive her completely away by pursuing her.
Good luck with your situation, and I hope counseling or seeing a doctor helps you find some peace.
Thanks, for the responses. I have an appointment to see counselor tomorrow. It's so hard. She has such hate in her voice. How could she go from being head over heels in love with me to this in a couple of days. How do I just let someone go after 10 years. I have contact with her almost everyday. Contact that she starts or because of S8.
She is terrible with money. Since she left she has spent twice as much on her own than if we are together. All that money is coming from our "joint" account. It's my account originally but I added her later. She thinks because I have money in my savings she can just drain the checking account. Thoughts? Keep in mind I have yet to see an attorney. I was hopping I wouldn't have to.
I saw the C today. No progress or anything like that. I just explained my sitch. We talked about why my W is doing this. Next week we get into my problems. I don't know about C. It doesn't feel like I'm going to get anywhere. I know it's just the first session, but I did all the talking with no real outcome.
W went out last night w/ coworkers. She got had few to many to come and pick up S from our house. I had already agreed to drop him off if that happened so no biggie. Gave me a chance to at least see her. At least when S is with her she will not be a possibility of OM being there. I don't think she is "seeing" him full on yet. YET.
I hung out for a few minutes. Didn't ask her how her night went or anything. Put a smile on my face, said goodnight to the kid. She said thanks for dropping him off. I said your welcome. Left without saying goodbye to W. Just shut the door behind my self.
Cried all the way home. I had a set back, texted her later that night to give S a big kiss and hug for me and tell him goodnight again. And that I missed them both. She said she would. Only got about 4 hours of sleep. It's getting harder not easier.
She thinks because I have money in my savings she can just drain the checking account.
You need to stop this behavior - As in yesterday...Get yourself to your bank and empty the account and open a different one in your name only - Trust me.
Originally Posted By: BigJake
It's getting harder not easier.
It is always darkest before the dawn. However you will survive this.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Well I just got a call from W. She went ahead and got an atty. She thinks I will put up a fight with her. I can't afford one. She can't either. We don't have anything to fight over. Just how we are goign to pay off our huge debt. Of course now the atty. filled her head with all she can get off of me. She brought up full custody. She won't do it but she was expecting me get angry. I didn't. I tried to talk as rationally as I could with her. She will not listen to reason. I knew that though. It feels like I'm out of time. I guess I am.
She doesn't have a plan yet. I know she has yet to think any of this out long term. I started to layout what is going to happen with our money, how I would have to file for bankruptcy and sell my house. According to her atty. it is part hers too. I owned it before I met her, so I don't how much of it she would be entitled to. Well when I laid it out in plain English, she saw it was going to be huge problem. She actually stumbled for a minute. She asked if I was trying guilt her back. I said no way, and if you think that I will leave right now. I think for a second reality started to sink in.
She told me again she is done. Doesn't think I will ever want to get married again. Most certainly not to me. We did have a few laughs. I told I would let her go. She can do what she wants. She has no idea what her next step is. I guess I just sit back and wait.
One more thing I found out OM is getting a divorce too. His started right before we left for Florida. She says it has nothing to do with us. Right! She swears nothing is going on. Saying I wouldn't believe her anyway. I don't. So I said after this is all done I don't want my son around him. She said she will not be seeing him, he is a bad person and would not make her happy. I call B.S.
My medical Ins. is under her. If we get D than I can't go to IC.(cost too much) I think I'm finally starting to give up. At least she will be happy.
W changed her mind about atty. now she wants to get a mediator. I don't know where to go from here. She asked me to get together all the financial information. I told her I need a list of what she needs. I want to be helpful but I don't want to hurry the process.
Her best friend called to tell me nothing is going on with OM. We talked for 45 min. She told me they are just friends. She is too hurt to even consider being with someone else. I'm going to let it go for now. She also said my W still cares for me and is really frustrated.
Anybody out there think I still have a chance? What do I do?
