Need Help! - Am I wrong? Should I hold out Hope?

[DestinyUnknown]

All, thank you so much for the continued encouragement..

Here is what happened after my last blog.

H and I started taxes. While he was installing the software, I noticed that he seemed "bothered". SO I asked if there was a problem (not attacking) and that if he preferred that I not watch over his shoulders and just go do somthing else while he began entry of tax information. H said that is the one thing he DID NOT want me to do....leave him alone.

So, I helped him arrange his file of receipts by month and organizaed the folder where we kept all tax related information. H ran into an issue with the tax software and took a break. We then sat and talked about the R. He really wanted to talk about.

According to my H, he "doesn't feel like he wants to be with me nd that he did not really missed me and he thought the time apart would have made him miss me." He says he is now convinced that a D is the only way to end the pain.

H then told me he wants to move back into the house and remain separated. His hotel agreement is up tomorrow 2/20. He says he doesn't want to spend the money and he really needs to be someplace where he can prepare for deployment. He then shared his deployment orders with me and he will check in for Active Duty 4/30.

Says he doesn't necessaily want to be home because of "our situation". I did ask if he had planned on coming home if he was not going to be deployed, he said no.

I asked him how this was going to work..staying and living in the same house? Don't get me wrong, but I had been praying to God to give me strenthg and clarity. I wanted my H home, but not still separated. In addition, how can he live here if he is angry with me. He goes from on the surface being nice and then reacting badly to questions accusing me of being the reason for everything bad. He then yelled, and said he grows tired of questions and that need to be "normal". Then he asks me why "couldn't you just be normal?".

He came out and told me finally that he was angry with me for the last 2 years because in his eyes, I didn't turn out to be the woman he thought I was...he had tears in his eyes and they were red.

This was hurtful to me. I have been though so much and feel that I couldn't even defend myself. Within these last 2 years, I have been dealing with past incest by my stepfather, I have been dealing with the knowledge (that triggered my abuse memories) that my sister was abused by a family friend (she was so distance and mad at the world, I had no idea why), stress at work, discovery of an OW, his MLC, and unfortunately, my M suffered as a result of that.

I want to work on this M. He leaves in little over 2 months. He says we havea chance with him moving back ito the house to see if we can be a couple again, but that I should not have any hope.

I feel like dying inside......How do I do this?