You're both right - the pursuer/avoider pattern is something universally talked about in R books - thanks for reminding me to detach when we are in the pattern.
And yes, this is taking a toll. The MC is definitely encourIaging me to speak up and get this addressed. It's been on the table the past month.
Crazy day - big progress. Blowup this morning, I stayed calm and drew a boundary! I remember how you've all been coaching me and kept reminding myself he needs to make improvements, treat me better, etc. We talked after and I explained we need to be calm and gentle while S is sick. He listened and later....HE SHOWED UP WITH BELATED VALENTINE CANDY BOXES FOR BOTH OF US! I kept reminding me of FM's goal - H will give apology or show remorse after being mean. I think I got a variation He later said he felt bad about how he had handled the morning. That was progress for him to admit that.
Had a FABULOUS night with S who was thrilled everyone was calm, and happy. He kept kissing and hugging us and laughing. We all had a lot of laughs.
After S went to bed, we had to go over the paperwork of the separation agreement. We had a long R talk afterward and it was really good. We cracked it all open. Started with typical WAS script - "you have more hope for reconsiliation than I do", "I don't see how we could be together again" blah blah blah and eventually went deeper...
The crux is I remembered what rr22 said - I pushed him to be clear on what he wants. I told him it's time to get a direction in MC - say what is good and bad in our R, and what he would like to see in the big picture to move forward.
He agreed!
huh?
Later it came out he's been wanting to "bring things up" (big R problems that we need to look at) that he's been scared to bring up. He sheepishly admitted he's scared of me blowing up. He even admitted that legal sep is red herring to avoid opening up. He also admitted that even with D papers in hand, that is just an excuse to not open up. It still can't protect one emotionally.
I sat there stunned and said, "YOU are scared of ME? I see myself as the one scared of YOU" I realized all this anger, the moving out, the legal papers, all a defense against fear. He said, "Pathetic, huh?" I saw the vulnerable kitten under that raging bull. I said "no way. I'm just as pathetic then."
He admitted, "As much as I resist these late night talks, I'm glad to have come to this realization. Even if it did take me a year. Now I just have to do it."
This is big. This is touching the vulnerable stuff under the anger. We had some laughs as well after that - and H seemed just more vulnerable than usual.
My new attitude is to remind myself he's scared too - and this is why he needs space. This is why he's on pins and needles, attacking at the slightest thing. This is why he's built a wall around himself. Fear. Just as I am feeling fear. If we can start there, we may be able to work through it. This was the first night we actually talked about our MC goals and what we are feeling on a deep level. I laughed, I cried, I feel hopeful again.
He later said he felt bad about how he had handled the morning. That was progress for him to admit that.
