I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

The day when I told him I would be sad if he died- he was the love of my life. He said he wouldn't feel that way- just sad for the kids. I was suprised. really, truly, nothing? Nope- he would not miss me he stated. Mind you at times he was starting to get lovey-dovey with me. Well, that was IT folks. He had been wishy-washy- showing me some loving actions but talking differently, etc. I felt like he was totally playing me for his benefit. I had HAD IT. . In no uncertain terms. I let him know the entire marriage was a big mistake, blah, blah. A D will happen in the future b/c I have shone month after f' month my love and dedication to him. If he wanted treat me like this- no one would blame me I would let the world know that my hubby no longer loved me- therefore after much, much effort on my end to work on the marriage- sadly the conclusion had to be D.

I really let him have it folks. All the times I felt regret marrying him. On and on

Afterwords, later on, I actually felt bad that I had said those things. I boldly went up to him and kissed and told him I loved him. He said it back and I was actually stunned. I told him you don't have to say it. He said no I mean it, I Love you.

My immediate thought- WTF?????? There was no happy feeling there just shock. How can you one minute tell me if I am dying you will not feel sadness for losing me and then the next minute tell me suddenly you are "in love" with me again?

I put up with 14 months of "I am done with you, I am hate you, I do not love you, I don't even want to be friends with you, etc" "I'll have sex with you but only for the sex not cause I love you"

14 months of my tears and heartache

So I tell him it's done in my mind and he suddenly has an epiphany? I don't know, I call bullsh@t, folks! Bull f' sh@t!

I think he has been super manipulative and controlling, and I don't know have to handle this. He states he felt the marriage was miserable and he didn't know what to do any more. IT seemed like a solution to him. It seemed to be working. I was acting super nice and trying to appease him, etc.

I am having hard time accepting that I could have been treated like this for so long, to be hurt in this manner. For his gain. As a way to get what he wanted.



So now he is on anti-anxiety med and he blames all past behavior on his anxiety and his "problem's as a person with his dysfunctional family". He is acting nicer and trying to show he loves me but....
I just don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know what the hell is going on some days. I mean, why? Why would he do this to me? He knew, he saw how much pain I was in, Why? Why?

IDK, it's super late and I am just ranting.

I think he is in a panic now that I am going to leave him. Towards the end of the "in-house separation" He was getting more and more anxious. I didn't understand why. Why would he be upset? I am the rejected one. It is b/c he could see me starting to give up? The control was no longer there?

I am just speculating about everything tonight.


Again, I feel like the marriage is now tarnished, damage goods. And I kind of feel broken myself.