I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

haha, I had forgotten to finish my story on here.
Well, anyhow, we are where we are at now....BUT,
I just am having so many problems with me now.

Feelings of self-worth, not good enough, is he really here cause he wants to be or is it for the kids. For years he hated me- I kept trying but felt always rebuffed. He was very nice to me twice today and it almost sends me into tears. Why couldn't you do this years ago? I have feel alone and rejected in this marriage for years. Years!

I mean I had my failings. I didn't realize it, but I had corrected that. I was trying to be a great wife. A wife that would make him happy. I had tried for so long- only to be rejected.

I feel like I still can't communicate with him. It seems to usually get turned around about him. Or upset occurs on his end. I feel myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the sh@t to hit the fan. I feel tense, on edge. I don't feel that Yipee! feeling you would time one would have if a spouse recommits to you. Just unbelievably incredible hurt. And yes, I can forgive easily- I really can and really truly have. But how do you erase hurt?

A person may have accidentally broken my arm- I forgive them but the hurt is still there.

I feel like a man that I at one time I know was super crazy in love with me is no longer there. The marriage.... feels like damaged-goods. Tarnished, broken but repaired but not the same.

With all of this- I felt stronger DBing then piecing. I feel like a broken spirit now. I was ready to be done. He was making it easy for me to feel that way. But to feel love again for him? He eventually realized how I felt. I think that shook him up.

That is much harder. I mean I love him, always have but was totally ready to let go of him. Future plans on doing the D deed myself. It was clear that after being told month after month after month that you are not loved. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The marriage would have to end, I mean who could be married to a person that hated you, didn't respect you and looked at you with disgust.

Now, I am supposed to pretend like it didn't happen almost. Sweep it all under the rug. Talking about my hurt from the past years events just upsets my hubby so much. He always ask- Why can't you forgive the past? I explain- I have forgiven, I am having a hard time with my hurt. I really do not think he gets it.


I am just having a hard time.
I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.