Question

[awest1217]

Actually Lucky, I do know quite a bit about ADD and ADHD because of being a teacher, and what you are saying is completely true. I am not used to the effects on adulthood, but that is definitely a possibility. H does have money, but not tons. He tries to live within his paycheck and not go into savings at all so when he says he has no money...he just doesn't want to touch savings, which is good, but he also drives me nuts with when we would have extra bills not touching savings is not possible.

Also H has said before he thought he was ADHD so I will definitely bring it up because if he is and he is willing to get some therapy for it, it could clear up a lot of his issues. He also feels he is autistic (I think that is just in his head), but also a reason why he can't commit or get too close to just one person. Definitely something to bring up at some point very soon. Maybe tomorrow before we get to his parents.

[Lucky11too]

Oh, of course. haha. I should have guess that. But I'm glad you already have a headstart on the whole ADD thing. From what I am learning about now, it seems to manifest itself slightly different in adults, so definitely something to look into. Also, I was just learning (and actually surprised) how much it really does affect everything in their lives! When I first found out H was ADD, I was like ok, so he can't sit there and read a book. But really, it honestly affects everything from paying bills, to be successful in work, to mantaining healthy relationships, etc...it was all just so mind blowing! It will be interesting to see how H responds to this and maybe having your support and someone actually believe him, could be enough motivation to get to therapy (although meds might be necessary too, especially in more medium to severe cases - something to keep in mind, b/c I know in general, we all like to stay away from meds. What is H's take on meds?). But hopefully a therapist could help him narrow down and address the specific issues - whether it is ADD, autism, both, or neither. Good luck! We could be on to something here.

[awest1217]

Talk to H about the ADHD and he said no he doesn't think he has it. So that is a no go. I went about it in a round about way so that he didn't think I was being pushy, but he still said no so oh well. I don't think I will ever get him to get therapy.

On the bills. He texts me tonight about how he can't find them. He said he thought he laid them aside when he packed some stuff and now can't find them. GREAT! His car insurance is in there and that will affect me because we are on the insurance together. AH! I was calm and reassured him that everything would be ok. Then when I am at church he sends me a text, "no luck yet - in case you cared. im giving up for a while and eating." S has not been listening and had a bad day at school as well so I had enough. I let H know I did not appreciate him saying in case I cared because I do care a lot and if he would let me, I would drop everything and go over to the house and help him look, but he won't let me in. I said I would help, but you won't let me. I do care, I care a lot. Or something like that. He then said he was sorry and didn't mean to come off rude. I said it was ok and that I would take care of hte car insurance tomorrow. He said no that he would take care of it and said sorry for being a jerk. I contacted a mutual friend from church who is an agent with the same insurance company we have and asked him what to do. He said H just needs to call and they will do the payment over the phone. I said ok and let H know (without telling who I asked because he would be so embarrassed). He hasn't text me anything back, but he knows I am upset (between H and S I am not going to sleep anytime soon and I need to) so he probably shut off his phone. Oh well...3 more weeks.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm behind. What is this countdown?

[awest1217]

H has to move out of the place where he is living in three weeks so he is forced to make a decision (the owners found someone who will pay rent). H either comes home and gets rid of OW or he gets an apartment and gets rid of me. Either way I am out of limbo.

On the owners, I didn't put this down yet, but the owner when she told H that he had to move out said "I don't really care where you end up living. I will let your mother worry about that." The owners are good friends of my in-laws so I am wondering 1. if they are fed up with H and 2. if they know H has been having OW stay there because they offered to let him stay at the house rent free so he could work on things with me. I will never know.

[ClingingToHope]

That catches me up. Let's hope it turns out the way you want.

I remember when my friend told me I couldn't stay there indefinitely. He was tired of me basically giving W all of my money and wanted me to move on.

When I told W I needed to find a place and would have to stop leaving so much into her account, she looked surprised and asked if I could find a place with a six month lease.

I took that as a positive sign. Maybe it was, but each day I was gone, at least early, she liked it better.

I wish I could climb in her head and figure out what's going on. That's part of the reason I snooped so much in November and December. I was hoping to find something, anything, that would indicate that perhaps she was second-guessing herself.

I never found proof of an OM and I never found proof that she's anything but happy with the end of this M.

[awest1217]

Actually I don't have a position either way. If he decides to leave there will be a lot of stuff to do, but I won't ever have to deal with him and OW again. I will be free at some point to find another man who will treat me right, unlike H for 10 years. If he decides to come home, I think I would like it more, but there would always be that fear that he never really got rid of OW because he is so secretive and I know he won't give that up any time soon. So honestly I am ok with either and maybe even hoping for him to not come home, although that would hurt my heart, I think I am leaning that way because I will then be protecting myself.

Funny story. A student was just talking about how her boyfriend was cheating on her and I let her know "dump him and move on". SHe is a sophomore in high school. I said you deserve better and he is not going to change any time soon so just grieve the loss and find someone who will respect you.

Other point. A little sad today because today is the 19th anniversary of the day my dad passed away. IT is a long story, but it was very traumatic for me because the day before he died we were playing at my grandparents in the snow and the next he died and my family watched it happen. He had the flu (the docs were supposed to do extra tests due to losing his spleen when he was young, but they didn't). It got into his blood and he turned blue. I spent the day watching my dad die, then right after that I became the mother of my little brother and sister. My mom was still there, but she was never a strong independent woman so she couldn't handle it well. I stepped in being the big sister. She was still the mother, but I was there more to help out and listen. WIth my little sister, I was the disciplinarian. It definitely changed my life. I wonder if H even remembers...probably not, but that is ok. I think it bothers me more now because if he were alive, lets just say H would have been hurting, my dad was all italian and you don't mess with his little girl.

[Lucky11too]

Well, I'm not surprised H objected to the ADD diagnosis. It took my H 6 months to finally come around and accept it and start treatment for his depression. I still think it's a real possibility given what you've written here, but I would try to read about it more and see if it does fit for your H given all that you know. If so, maybe you could try to show him proof. (I found round about ways to show H the symptoms of depression and it finally sunk in, but of course everyone is different). You could even try the "an acquaintance of mine H had it, so I looked into it more, and look at this, this is why you could be feeling this way, etc etc" routine. Unfortunately, in general, it seems that men need to discover these things on their own to actual believe in them, but if we can just lead them in the right direction...

In general, I'm normally all for just letting things roll off your back when rude comments are made, but honestly, "in case you cared". OMG, that was not called for. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. It seemed to knock him back to reality a bit. It was good b/c it let you reestablish your feelings for him but show that you were not going to let him bully you around with mean comments either. Good for you. Also good that he acknowledged that he was being a jerk and apoligized for it.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, all my sympathy to you today. I couldn't even imagine losing my father. But now I do see why you are such the strong woman that you are today. When you go thru something like that it definitely grows you up quickly for better or for worse.

Haha, hope that sophmore takes your advice to heart. It could save her from a lot of the heartache we're experiencing!

I think we are all kind of at the same place here - where we of course would like our H's to come home and be the loving H's they COULD be, but on the other hand, there's that uncertainity that things never will truly change and we'll be stuck in this, well, hell of a M forever, which we don't deserve. But like you said, either way these sitch's go, it's still going to be difficult and a lot of work, but just in different ways.

[awest1217]

Text H this morning and right after work asking about pizza tonight. He didn't text back until 4:30 (my deadline before I called to myself). He said he wanted to do pizza and is just really frustrated because he still can't find the papers. I tried to be sympathetic, but I am so tired of his whining. He whines about how horrible these owners are (they are shady because they sold the house right out from under the renters who were supposed to move in to make H move), how horrible it is that he can't find the papers, how horrible work is, everything. Then he says he is sorry for coming across as a jerk last night because he didn't mean it that way. The rest of the night he kept asking if I was upset....I wanted to say yes, but couldn't because then I would just go off on him about everything. I just said I am not upset, just a lot on my mind.

I was also upset becuase OW cut H's hair again and it looks horrible. She doesn't fade in the sides so it looks like the old school bowl cut. He always says he likes it when I mention I can fix where she messed up so I have decided this time to not even mention it. I can't say "oh you got a hair cut" because that would mean him saying he was with OW and on top of that me saying I don't like it because she does a terrible job. Oh well...

On one good note, S said something about painting daddy's room (we are goign to paint S's room once we get the tax refund). H said what would you like to paint mommy and daddy's room. A good sign, but he still won't come out and say he is coming home, also he won't say he isn't. There were times tonight that he seemed like he is going to not come home because I mentioned how it would be nice to get some boxes and start moving some of the little stuff now. He just said yeah, but still seemed like I am not sure where I am going to go.

Still very loving, but I definitely can tell he still has no idea what he is going to do, and the sad thing is that he is going to wait until the last minute and honestly have no where to go because he won't want to lose OW, but won't want to lose me either. he said before he left, I love you lots again, but won't make any plans to hang out this weekend. I am not going to push it. Just crazy stuff.