Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Not a peep out of W today. Had work and then kept score at a girls basketball regional for extra money. The money is nice plus I always see someone I know.

When my mind is occupied everything is great. When it isn't, well it wanders.

Wednesday night is my night with the girls. I'm hoping they are done with their homework and we can go rock climbing at the Y.

Then Thursday I have to disappoint D10. She has a showcase with her theater group at 6 p.m. I have to work Thursday night at the regional finals. This basketball thing has been a Godsend. Still, I hate missing one of the girls' events.

The money is big though. This weekend I take the girls and one of their friends to Midevil Times. I never did ask W to go and D10 understands.

Still no reply from W on a couple of emails. I asked her about summer camps for the girls and whether she'd switch a weekend with me in May so I can work back-to-back weekends.

That'd be sweet, an extra $700.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm also guessing that W knows I hired an attorney and will be seeking joint custody. That letter should have gotten to her attorney today.

I turned in my loan ap with my work credit union for the other $1,000 for the retainer. It was depressing in my than a few ways. When I got a loan in 2007 for my car, we had very little debt. This application I have $23,000 in credit card debt. Thanks W.

So on to the next step.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

I understand your disappointment in the financial situation your W has put you and herself in.

My W's decisions on money have left me speechless. Her mail still comes to our home and I open some of it. Her monthly nut is in the neighborhood of 5K+ and she is unemployed. I saw her last two monthly cell statements $250.00 and $300.00 this piggybacks on $500.00 and $600.00 statements. She has become a teenager with no common sense. Her irresponsible wreckless spending is simply beyond words. Her thinking has to be that her brother who has made millions will always be there to bail her out if push comes to shove.

Fortunately I cancelled all shared accounts after I intercepted the first over the top cell bill. She is on a collision course for a financial meltdown and I will sit back and watch with jaw agape.

[ClingingToHope]

My W hasn't gone totally overboard. It's just without me there to say, let's wait two months for this, or we should pay this off first, she sees something she buys it.

And now that she knows the house is going to be an anchor around our necks, I think she's starting to get scared.

I am finally to the point where I'll see how frugally I can live. I have about everything I need in terms of household stuff and I'm through the dental and hernia bills.

I'm guessing with the second jobs I'll be OK if I can get out from under the credit card accounts.

That's where ALL of W's retirement money that she'll have to pay me will go and I'll end up draining my IRA to zero as well.

Oh well, I love my job. No need to retire until I'm 70.

Funny thing. The 7-year-old kissed a boy on the lips on the bus. She was all excited until I made her call W and tell her -- no way was I going to have W accuse me of hiding that from her.

W was mad and is going to have them switched on the bus. I would too.

Still, the whole thing made me smile.

D10 is very depressed though and says she doesn't know why.

[awest1217]

Watch both girls for any acting out in any way. Make sure they are taking everything ok. If D10 still doesn't know why she is sad, and doesn't want to talk to you see if there is someone she will talk to. It seems to me that she is the one taking this the hardest so just make sure she isn't putting a strong front up and taking on too much. She is probably starting to have to help out more around the house and with D7, plus school, her birthday with her parents separate...it is a lot for a 10 year old to handle. Make sure they both have someone to talk to that they feel comfortable with whether it is you, W, a close friend, a close adult, anyone to share their feelings with.

Good job making sure W knew about a big even with D7. That will show W that you are going to do the best to be coparents as possible no matter what happens between the two of you. Plus it shows the girls that you will work with W for them.

[ClingingToHope]

Strangely angry today and despairing about money.

Had a scare at work. I thought perhaps I was breaking the computer policy by bringing a laptop home every day and keeping it here.

I can justify it because I'm the stat guy and do have to work at home, but truthfully I probably use it 90 percent for personal stuff.

I think I'm OK, but it did put the fear of God into me. Losing my family and my job would be too much.

Then the thing with D7 happens and that brightened the day a bit. But W calls to tell me we have two parent teacher conferences on Feb. 25, which also happens to be D10's birthday.

D10 also has a performance that night. So let's see, I'll have to see W three times that day.

Hopefully I'll be in the right mindset. I haven't been shining lately because I don't feel like doing that part of DBing right now. I mean, this is a person who threw me out of my house for no good reason, lives in our home while I'm in a apartment always having to say shhhhh and be quiet and no yelling and then she's going to dig for every dime so that I have to spend the next 10 years living from paycheck to paycheck hoping I don't get sick so I can take my girls on a vacation.

I'm just angry tonight and feeling a lot of despair.

I just sooooo want her to feel some of this pain.

I also feel like I'm coming down with something and I have a good weekend planned with the girls.

Ugggghhhhhh.

[awest1217]

It is definitely going to be hard, but if you really don't want this D to go through then you really do need to put on a show. You need to show W what she is missing. Not that you have to be overly nice to her, but you need to be cordial. You need to show W the new you, the you that has made changes, the you she is going to miss out on by pushing the D. You need to for those few times show her a confident and happy person to make her wonder. So far you have let your anger, which you have a right to, dictate how you act with W. You need to take control of those emotions and put on a show for the few times you do see her so she can see the you that you have become and not the man that got kicked out 10 months ago.

Hope you feel better! Take some vitamin C and maybe get some zicam to stop any cold from getting too bad. Have fun this weekend and don't let what is going on dampen the fun you are going to have.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm feeling better today. By next Thursday I should be OK. The conferences are more about the girls than anything else. They'd be really disappointed if I skipped them.

Couple of things I'm thinking about today -- time is on my side. Each day I'll get a little stronger and, since I've been dealing with the financial problems now for 10 months, I'll get more of a plan in place on how to move forward. W? She never really thought this through and each day really gets more difficult.

Another weird thing -- and this may be counterintuitive -- but I've been reading other forums like BobbiJo's where once the D is final there is some peace and actually some opportunity because eligible people are waiting for you to actually be divorced.

Don't worry, I'm not pining to remarry right away. But when I think about W, I try to stop and think about somebody on Match that would be interesting to meet. I think I've favorited 30 or so that are my type and would be nice to talk to.

Hey, whatever works mentally.

I've also adjusted how I talk to D10. Initially, when she would ask if I'm going to get remarried, I'd right away say yes.

She seemed to accept that.

Now, she keeps asking, I tell her that I'll probably get married again some day, but it's likely not going to be for a while because whoever I find has to be perfect for me and D7 and D10. Who knows, that could be W again, you never know.

She likes that answer a lot better. And really so do I. I'd hate to jump into something where all of a sudden I have to weigh a new GF's interests versus the girls' interests.

Who wins in that situation? No one really.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm getting closer and closer to moving to Surviving the Big D and again I'm not nearly as strong as I'd like to be.

Went home to meet the girls off the bus. Letter from my lawyer. He talked to W's lawyer and he's going to send my L my W's "wish list" in the D.

He still hasn't received the petition.

I guess when we get it I have to sit down and go over it. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm not looking forward to any of this. Right away, it put me in the dumps. I haven't read much about that on the forums. How did everyone else handle these things.

Luckily I was pretty busy. I talked to my aunt and my sister for a bit and then I had my last basketball game to score for this school year. I made $215 over the past two weeks.

The truth is, deep down, I still wake up every day thinking that at some point W will call off this lunacy.

My sister and I talked about it. Why do I feel that way? I think it's because everyone that I know that went through a D got a second or even third chance.

What I've never figured out is how W could close her heart so totally -- unless the truth is that she never really did love me.

I still don't believe that. I mean, I couldn't have misread her that much. When I look at our first five years, she was troubled, but not with me. She always talked about how afraid she was that I'd leave her. She worried she wasn't good enough for me.

Still stressing over money although beginning next month I'll have running races to work at once a month for seven of the next eight months. I don't have anything in June, but I'm sure I could pick one up.

I make at least $350 every one of these plus it fills up my time. So essentially three of the four weekends are mostly booked for the next eight months. Any extra fun I find is a bonus.

[Onthemountaintop]

I don't remember if you tried mediation. Is that possible once lawyers get involved?

My W and I went to a first meeting (but no further yet) and found that it reminded us about why the marriage was worth working for. I know you've said that you're GAL, but I noticed you wrong that you still hope that she might change her mind. You've made it pretty clear that is unlikely, but mediation isn't as cat and dog as a lawyer route seemed to be. Of course, she'd have to agree...

I'm guess I'm a real fool for the ideals of DB, that the most unlikely things can happen to turn a M around...so I don't sound like I'm pressuring you to keep beating a dead horse. You seem like a H that deserves a second chance. When I've read Michelle's books and others, I just never got this idea that you give up. I got the idea that you go on.

If she won't give it, maybe she isn't worth it. But if you want it, even if she's disagreed before, maybe taking your lawyer made lists to mediation would work. The nicest thing about it is that you are at a table with her and have a chance to show your 180'd side.